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Day 511 – If I Can Love My Mother (A Chance To Be Free)

December 9, 2018

Feeling my feelings. Extreme. Here with my mother. She doesn’t make it to this blog that much. On an island. Literally. My sister works and lives on a beautiful island. I’m here with my sister and my mother. In a few days, my mother and I will be traveling together to another country, the country of her birth.

Electricity is not constant there. We take baths from buckets. There are villages and deep-rooted cultural traditions. I am going there to continue on the heal the world work that my family and I started many years ago. I am going there because my Spirit is directing me to go there. I don’t really know the true purpose, but I am thinking that it has something to do with my mother.

It occurs to me, that if I could Love my mother, then all spells would be broken and all would be right in the world. My therapist asked me if my mom and I were close, and I didn’t know how to answer her. We are not close, but we are deeply bonded and we deeply affect each other. We have been fighting each other since I was five, when I first asked her if I could have a boyfriend.

8, 11, 13, 17, 18, 19… 20, 25, 26, 28 and many more ages, we had major battles. Heartbreaking episodes. Men and religion always seemed to be involved in our disagreements. I never really felt Loved or accepted by her, and I guess she always thought I thought she was bad. I remember being a little kid and she was telling us how hard she worked for us, and I told her that she didn’t take care of us – welfare did. I remember her telling us how she had done something really hurtful to her mom because she didn’t know better, and I told her that she was always blaming others for stuff. I don’t know why I’ve been so mad at my mom for so long.

Maybe I needed more hugs than she was able to give. Maybe I needed to be protected instead of blamed and told to be strong about everything that happened to me. Maybe I wanted to be understood. My mom would tell me that I was her strong one and that I made her proud, but I didn’t want to be her strong one or make her proud. I didn’t care about those things. I just wanted to be Loved and accepted for who I was, whether or not I was strong or whether or not I made anyone proud or did anything exceptional with myself… I liked to dance and my mom had mixed feelings about dancing. I liked to smile at boys and boys were not allowed. I liked to let people know who I was for real and know who they were for real and I was not supposed to let anyone know the bad things about me. I wanted friends and friends were not to be trusted. I was supposed to be friends with my siblings, but when I was younger, my sibs around my age didn’t want to be my friends and the younger ones were too young to hang with…

As I got older, I explored other religions than the one I grew up with. Not because I wanted to be bad, but because I didn’t get it. I wasn’t wholly sold on the religion I grew up, although I liked many things about it. This was a big point of contention between me and my mom. I was supposed to be the religion I grew up in or I was going to hell and that was all there was to it. I’m not supposed to be writing this blog and telling you all my deepest darkest feelings. I never told my mom about it. Someone told her that I had a blog somewhere where I share things about my life, and she was appalled. Told me not to do it. Somewhere, I think my mom has been trying to protect me from many things over the years. I think it’s a mix of protection, ego, control… I don’t know. I am trying to find the energy of Love.

At the beginning of this year, we had a huge blow-out that involved my older sister. My older sister had been telling my mom things and letting her assume some things that were going on between us, and my mom was just taking everything my sister said and led her to believe at face value, and then calling me and attacking me without questioning anything. Finally, after she attacked me for a lie that my sister had bold-faced led her to believe without questioning anything, I asked my mom why she hates me so much. She said she doesn’t hate me, but I could not feel the Love… I can not feel the Love…

Now I am here with her, and we have been bumping heads for the past week. She has been fighting with her family overseas, and I said the wrong thing. Said I could understand how they feel. I actually think her family overseas is in the wrong, but I can understand how they feel. I was just supposed to say that my mom is right about everything always. Then, after telling me how I’m supposed to be the religion I grew up in and don’t do anything else, she invited me to go to one of our religious services, and I declined, she got mad at me… If she was not my mother, I don’t know that I would ever be friends with someone like her, although I have been attracting female friends like her most of my life. It feels like there is no space to be powerful around her. My head is always bowed, waiting for approval that I will never get. I do not feel ok with being myself around her, unless myself is what she wants me to be. I feel terribly misunderstood in almost every conversation. I feel like she is mad at me always for everything and I am mad at her always. And something has got to give.

Somewhere in my relationship with my mom is the answer to every other relationship in my life. I feel like if I could Love my mother fully, then everything would be all right. Let’s say the worst case scenario was true. Let’s say my mom didn’t Love me. Let’s say my mom will never approve of me if she knew who I truly was. Let’s say my mom will never understand me and will always be mad at me for something I did in the past or something I’m doing in the present. Let’s say that every time I do something good, she will be happy, but there will be a sadness in her eyes. Let’s say I never really feel her hugs. I wish I could feel my mother’s hugs.

I wish I could feel my mother’s hugs…

I wish I could feel the energy of unconditional Love flowing between us, but I don’t know that I’ve ever felt it. I don’t know that I’ve ever given it. Somehow I know that my relationship with my mom has something to do with what I came to do in this life. Somehow I know that Love and Forgiveness are big parts of what I have to contribute to this world.

Somehow I know that if I could Love my mother, fully and unconditionally, even if I wasn’t convinced that she Loved me… if I could look at her without judgement, if I could give those things to her that I can not feel her giving to me, if I could accept her exactly as she is, no matter who she is or how she is, then somehow, someway, she and I could both be free…

This year has been so hard, Allah. This Life has been so hard for me. I have not known how to be myself and walk around on your Earth and be safe and be happy at the same time. But I can’t stay locked in my apartment in the ghetto anymore. I want to be Free…

So I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna open up my hands and I’m going to forgive. I’m going to forgive myself, too, even if no one else will. And I’m going to turn every ounce of Love within me towards myself. Then I’m going to turn it towards my mother. I’m going to be Powerful now and I’m going to shine my Light and my energy as bright as I can and I don’t care how she feels about it. This is what I came to do. I have had enough of these curses and spells. I am going to Love my mother now, regardless. Regardless. Regardless. And through the mercy and Grace of God, I’m going to give us both a chance to be free… A chance to be Free…. A chance to be free.

Day 511
If I Can Love My Mother (A Chance to Be Free)

From → Time to Live

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