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Day 510 – The Wildfires (On Surrender)

November 24, 2018

Well, everything that could fall apart has… My fake boyfriend is gone. All my mens are gone. Most of my female friends are gone. Still waiting on this big film check but in the meantime, bank account is very low…

I started seeing a therapist about three weeks ago. We both acknowledged that I generally leave my body when I am in situations that seem too painful for me, and I don’t come back and revisit them until things become too painful and I am forced to face them. My therapist gave me an assignment. I was supposed to feel my feelings. Like, feel them while they are happening. Every time I felt something strong, I was supposed to stop, feel it, and write about it in my journal…

And Lord have mercy. I felt like a drug addict getting off drugs. I mean, I’ve never been a drug addict, but I can imagine how it must feel to have years where you don’t really feel what’s going on, because you have some substance clouding your body and mind and making you feel good, and then to lose that substance and actually have to feel the depths of whatever you feel.

It was extreme for me. I felt so much sorrow. I saw a pic of my old teacher, The Advisor, and felt heartbroken. Heartbreak was a feeling that I hadn’t acknowledged in years. I felt so much grief. Wailed in my car for four hours straight, full of grief. And the worst feeling of all? Hopelessness. I had never felt that in my life before, and I wouldn’t wish that feeling on anyone. I felt hopeless. I felt like selling and giving away everything I owned, packing a backpack, getting in my car, and just going somewhere away from this life I had created. But there was nowhere to go. There wasn’t even any gas in my car… Nothing made sense. This life here didn’t make sense any more.

There was no joy in it. There was no passion. There was so little real Love. And there was no one to call. I didn’t know too many people who had figured out how to be fulfilled on the inside. How to be at peace on the inside. Most people were just faking it… I felt so much pain. I felt hopeless. There was nowhere to go. There was no one to call on. Nobody was coming. Nobody was going to save me. Nobody was going to hold me. Nobody seemed to care, and most of the people in my life only seemed interested in giving the least they could to me while trying to get the most.

My fantastical musings seemed miles away. How was I going to create any of that when I had none of it right now? How was I going to do anything when I was feeling so much pain? Pain in my heart. Pain in my head. Back pain. I caught a cold. Confusion. So much confusion. I couldn’t see the light at the end of this tunnel. For the first time in my life, I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing. I laid on my futon and cried. I didn’t go to work. I didn’t ask anyone to help me. For the first time in seven years, I didn’t pay my rent on time. My manager sent me a text message saying he was charging me a late fee, and I didn’t care. “Maybe I’ll get evicted and I’ll be forced to get out of this place,” I thought. That would be good.

I spent about a week just crying and sleeping. Don’t ask what I was crying about. I don’t know. Everything. Anything. My life. The world. Things that had happened. So much sadness. I felt sorry for myself. For the first time, I saw what a sensitive being I am. Super, hyper, extra sensitive. I don’t know how I survived my life thus far, and perhaps I wouldn’t be alive had been feeling all the things I felt all along. Perhaps my brain would have busted a long time ago, and I would have been for real plum nuts crazy. So many dark feelings and thoughts were overwhelming me, and I didn’t know what to do. So I did nothing…

Eventually my best friend (I’ll call him Dark Angel because he’s been my angel for most of my adult life, but he has a very dark side to him) called me. He asked if he could reach out to people on my behalf so that I could get some help. I said ok. He reached out. Asked some people that I was going to do contract work for to advance me some money so I could pay my bills. They did. I paid my bills… And here we are today… Spent about two more weeks feeling my feelings.

These darned feelings hurt so bad, but I felt like there was something good on the other side of this experiment. I felt like it was a move forward. I couldn’t feel all these things if they weren’t in me already, I wanted them out. Hopelessness left me after about a week and hope returned. Just a little bit of hope, but it was enough. It was enough to get me off of the bed to put some food in my belly. It was enough to spend Thanksgiving with a small group of people, my brother and two friends, instead of sitting at home alone and crying.

My mind is blown and I am just getting out of the dark woods. I still feel fragile. Opportunities in life are opening up, like they always do. I am thinking about my fantastical musings and wondering if any of it is still possible for me. I don’t see it. You understand? I don’t see the path from where I am to where I imagine my life to be. Nothing is clear.

“Take the steps”, a voice in my soul whispers. “Take the steps.”

I know I will have to become something I have never been. I will have to walk through the world in a different way… Straighten up my back a bit. Be a little more kind, or rather, be as kind as I am. It’s been a tough year. Wildfires have come and set my whole life ablaze. Burned everything down. Started about this time last year. Everything is lost except for me. And me? I am holding on to everything by threads, but the voice inside of me tells me to let go.

I don’t have the affirmation, the book, the plan to move me into my True Place in this world. I know, though, that I must choose to be moved – to move – or not. There is no more room for half stepping on this leg of the journey. Commitment and surrender are required. I, of myself, can do nothing, says the Voice of my soul.

Pride falls to the wayside. I am a beginner again. And what is left of my life – what is left of my identity is me and God. This not knowing what will happen next; this not knowing what to do next or where anything will lead in five days, much less five years – is the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. My brain is not connecting the dots. Survival mode has exploded. The wildfires have come and they have burned down everything except the little child in me.

The little curious child who wants to live still remains. The little child who has heard stories of Love and joy and passion still remains. Will I be taken care of? Will I survive this world.

I name the little child in me Good. Her name is Good. Extraordinary Good. Her middle name is God is With Us. God is with us, OK? God is with us. Just believe it. What if we believed it? What if we believed that we would be taken care of? What if we took care of ourselves? What if it was really True that our old life fell apart because it was not in alignment with our True Place on Earth? What if we are finally starting anew, with a real foundation, partnered with the entire Universe? What if it was possible that the entire Universe actually was in support of our thriving?

Something in me says this is true. Something in me says that it’s time to surrender. One step at a time. One day at a time. One choice at a time… It’s time to surrender.

Day 510
The Wildfires (On Surrender)

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From → Time to Live

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