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Day 512 – Planting Season (Healing Roots)

February 6, 2019

I learned to Love my mother…

I’ve been out in the world living. Now I’m sitting at a Starbucks at one of my favorite parts of LA thinking about my next steps.

So much has happened in the past two months. Epic adventure. I went to my mother’s land. Across the ocean. Another country. Another way of life. A strange combination of the most beautiful and the most horrendous things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I Loved it there. I began the “heal the world” work that I’ve been wanting to do for so long. There is something about beginning…

I started planting a cacao farm. Twelve trees in the ground and one baby tree nursing. I organized with the local university to teach a film course this fall and also use some of the students from the course to work on the film that I’m shooting later this year. I did research for a book program and radio program and medical program that my family is working on.

And I spent six weeks sleeping on the same bed as my mother. That was the greatest part of the adventure. In her, I found the amazing power partner that I had been looking for for so long. She was there for me every step of the way. She was on my team wholly. She was my biggest fan and supporter and we went on wild road trips, slept in mansions, walked on beaches together, strategized and fought for our rights, and shared many laughs. It wasn’t easy. My mother and I are about as different in personalities as you can get. There were many moments that I felt all the things that I had previously felt with her – not accepted, not safe to express who I am fully, etc, etc. There were many moments where I didn’t particularly like her and I’m sure she didn’t particularly like me. But I managed not to fight with her or snap at her the whole time, and only once, in those whole six weeks, did I have an emotional meltdown. Only once, for about three days, did I get sick.

Mostly, I was full of joy while overseas. I was myself again. I haven’t been myself in so long. I was so happy. My skin was radiant. I was doing every blessed thing I wanted to do with my life. My boo the Advisor was there. He’s not my boo, but I’ll still call him that, because he Loves me even if he doesn’t want to. As God would have it, all the way across the ocean on a thirteen hour plane ride, in a country as far away from America as you can get, my boo lives a five minute drive away from where I was living. His brothers are good friends with one of my mom’s close family friends, and on one occasion, me and my mom ended up spending the night at one of his brother’s house, not through an intentional arrangement.

I left my heal the world homeland about a week ago and came back to my city of angels, LA. My original plan was not to go back overseas until May. But when arrived at my LA apartment, I came home to a roof that had fallen in due to the rain. There was a big hole in my roof and water was dripping from it. It smelled like mold and mildew in the house…

All of my old friends were here, most of them men whom I had either dated or whom have wanted to date me forever and it never happened… Everything looks different here in LA. All of a sudden I want to take care of my sweet mamma. She ain’t that sweet, but she’s sweet enough to want to be around sometimes. All of a sudden, I want to joke around with my grandma and hear her tell me stories. I want to hang out with some little kids every now and then.

And as fate would have it, my lead farmer called me today and said that he wanted to implement a phase of the cacao farm – planting 400 seeds, ASAP. My mom can be there to supervise it, but I would love to be there. Don’t ask me how or why I became a farmer. Almost every plant I’ve ever had has died. But I Love these cacao plants. They feel like my babies. I want to love them and give them safe spaces to grow. Cacao takes about three to ten years to come into maturity, and me, Mrs. Afraid of commitment, I, am actually excited about sitting around for about three to ten years and watching something grow.

I know. There’s no rhyme or reason to any of this. Why did I thrive so much in a country that has many more challenges and much less opportunity than the country I live in? I think it was because I had what I needed over there. I had real, deep love that doesn’t abandon. I had a partner who is going to get up every day and get it done. I had a community that I was living life with, whether I wanted to or not. I had enough fine men to look at to keep my passion and my girly playful side excited. I had time and space to pray and meditate. I had sun and water and fresh food. It was enough. And Truth be told, I could have all of those things right here in LA, but I just haven’t created them yet…

So the question is, what to do next? Where to go next? We are somewhere else is consciousness. I have become a new person since I left LA. I became myself. I experienced being myself, and I think I must say, it was the best month of my life thus far… I was in my true place. I was a patient, Loving, Joyful, Creative, honest, integruous leader. I am still in my True Place, but this is the part where I start to plant seeds. It is planting season, and I am looking for the perfect place to nurse this baby of a new identity whom I am becoming. Where will I get the right amount of nutrients that I need? Where can I grow strong? Where can I express the fullness of who I am? Where can I experience the fullness of Love.

God, you tell me that I am finally asking the right questions. I’ve been drifting for many years, not fully excited about much in my life besides relationships. Now, I feel like I am in my body at last. I can feel. I feel excitement. I feel love. I feel disappointment. Maybe there is an awesome job for me overseas… Maybe I can make money. Can I finish out all of my LA business at last? Can I be completely free and clear at last? I have been afraid of being free and clear but freedom is finding me nonetheless and I believe that this is what they call Grace.

So, I am finding the place to nurse this new life that is birthing in me. After I have nurtured it in the womb of my soul, I will put it in the best natural environment, root it at last, in a place where it will blossom and thrive. God be with me. I know you are always with me. I am willing to be everything that you have created me to be. I am choosing to give me all to this seed of a life that has been dying to express for so long. I thank you for keeping me alive. I thank you for keeping me alive. I thank you thank you so much for keeping me alive. It’s Planting Season.

Ameen. Ameen. Amen.

Oh. Btw. I spoke with my mom today. This past six weeks is the most time she and I have spent together consistently in my whole adult life. We usually don’t spend more than two weeks together. My mom told me that she’s finally getting to know me, and she sees that I am a leader. A leader who brings joy wherever I go. It is the best thing that could ever happen to me. To feel Loved and seen by my mom. Thank You so much, Allah.

Ameen.

Day 512
Planting Season (Healing Roots)

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