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Day 509 – Fantastical Musings

October 27, 2018

So much to say… I just deleted an unfinished entry.

I’m closing my eyes. Want to get to the deep place. Wanted to reach out and touch someone. Share. I have been learning a lot lately. Taking a lot in. And feeling the urge to give out now. Balance. Incomplete sentences.

A new chapter beginning. New job. In film. Tell you what it is when the check clears. Eyes open. Sunlight shining in from the windows in my gated apartment in the ghetto. Everything is the same except it’s not.

Ideas of normalcy and happiness flood my mind. What if I could actually scrub my walls down and clean my house? What if this part of my life could actually be over? What if I could have true friends who wished me well and didn’t get jealous even if I was doing better than them – a flow of goodwill between us? What if I was happy? What if I always had more than enough money than I needed in my account and a passive income and a big bank account? What if everything was paid for and paid off? What if I was a real writer and real filmmaker, living in a house with a lot of color that smelled good? What if I lived in a house? A house… What if it was somewhere with a nice sky and streets that felt good to walk down? And what if there was a back yard and clean sheets and comfy beds and sheets and towels and a bed for guests? Ooooh! What if there was guest house? What if I had neighbors I liked and a community around me? What if I had good relationships with all of my family members? Am I dreaming too big? What if I was actually a professional writer and I really wrote movies and shows and books and plays? What if it was real? And people took me seriously and were moved by my work and inspired and they thought my creative works were at least interesting? What if I was really a writer and I got paid really well for my work? What if I really did do heal the world work and the things I know were taken seriously and my leadership and my ideas and my work actually helped people and made the world better? What if I had a kid? What if I had kids? Little people whose bellies I would rub and play with?

What if all of my inventions for products came to pass and people were helped by the things I thought of and I made a lot of money – so much money that I never had to think about money again and could just make decisions based upon what I wanted to do with this body and soul that I call my self?

What if I had a man? What if I had someone whom I could pour all of my Love into and he could handle it? What if he wasn’t scared of me and didn’t leave or be mean to me when I made mistakes? What if he Loved me? What if he Loved me so much that I didn’t cry so much anymore and he thought that I was awesome just the way I am. What if I was his dream girl and he was my dream guy? What if we had awesome sex and he was able to hold me? What if he was strong enough and wise enough to hold me and comfort me? What if I could work with and collaborate with awesome people all of the time and we all had a mutual interest in living goods lives and being a beneficial presence on the planet? What if we could be integrous? It wasn’t just a fantasy…

What if I could be integrous?

These are my thoughts this morning. These are the kinds of thoughts that I haven’t had in years… I am thinking about what I can do with this life. I am thinking about possibilities. Is my life possible, Allah? Are my dreams possible? What if they were? What if I just believed a little bit that these things were possible for me? What if I gave myself a chance for them to be possible? Surely there are people who are doing the things that barely dare to speak of. Surely there are people are living the lives that I barely dare to imagine. Or at least they are experiencing parts of that life.

A fog has lifted and I can have these thoughts and wonder why I haven’t had them in so long. I never really believed that these things could be a part of my real life. They were fantasies – relegated to a space outside of me. Only to be dreamed about but never had or lived or experienced or given.

Today I’m going to step out of time and pull these fantasies here inside of me. I’m going to see if I can make an imprint on my brain and tell myself that they are possible. I’m going to see what I can do about this life, see if I can actually have a good life now. God, can I have a good life now? I’d like a good life now. Will you help me, please? I know You will help me if I am choosing to do Your will and if I am choosing the highest good for all involved. And I am choosing to do Your will and I am choosing the highest good for all involved.

So I guess I’ll start my day now. I’m grateful for these thoughts. I’m grateful to be alive. I’m grateful for the sun. I’m grateful for everything that has come before this moment. I’m grateful for a new day and all these fantastical musings. Have a beautiful day. I Love You…


Day 509
Fantastical Musings

From → Time to Live

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