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Day 496 – What Are You Gonna Do (With All That Power/Love/Life)?

June 18, 2018

So… Well… Where to start? I’m at a Coffee Bean in Beverly Hills. It’s 8:35am. Went to an early morning yoga class, did some stretches at the park, and then I wasn’t sure what to do about my day. I’m at a crossroads. Major. The first time in my adult life that I’ve been at a crossroads and I recognize it for the crossroads that it is. In one direction, there is more of the same. In the other direction, there is everything that I’ve never known.

I am choosing the other direction. I won’t speak about the fear. It is there. But more than fear, there is desperation. More than fear, there is the knowingness that I can no longer do more of the same with my life. I can no longer be a nonentity, full of Love and full of ideas and full of so much joy and sharing it with no one fully. I can no longer be a lonely single woman living in a box with wooden floors in the middle of LA, barely making rent every month, finishing nothing, and being sad all the time.

In the Coffee Bean, there are rich people talking about rich things. I came and sat at what I thought was a quiet corner, but a loud couple came and sat next to me, and they are being loud and loudly chatting up everyone who passes them by. Please leave. Please leave now. The acoustics in this corner echo..

What was I writing about? What do I want to write about?

I want to write about many things. Power, Love and life. A couple of weeks ago, my sis and I went to an intimate concert. There was this lady there that really liked us. She came and sat by us and spoke about how powerful we are. Said she practiced Reiki and could see auras and that we were the most powerful things in the room. Then she asked, “What are you going to do with all that power?”…

For some reason, for the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about Love and death. My uncle died the other day. I didn’t know him too well, but I knew his daughter, my cousin, very well and spent my teenage years with her. What comes to mind is how little Love I’ve shared in my life. What crosses my mind is how much Love I want to share.

The world can be so cold and dark. So many people are suffering. The ironic thing is, most of us are suffering from the same thing: a lack of love, a lack of a sense of belonging, an inability to have the life we sometimes don’t even dare to dream of. You would think that, with so many people wanting the same things, more of us would have figured out how to have it and how to help others have it. I think that’s what I would like to do with my life. Help people have more love. Help people have a sense of belonging. Help people at least have an inkling of the life they dare to dream of.

I have a lot of cleaning up to do. Still… There are relationships in my life that are still sitting there taking up energy with their unresolved issues.

I don’t have any answers, understand? How do you go from a single, middle-aged broke lady in the middle of LA with very few fulfilling personal relationships and no finished projects and no real religion to the image that I have of myself in my head? A world leader. A happy, Loved wife and mother who only has good relationships with my biological family and who has amazing friends and colleagues who band together and support each other in living better and better lives. Super rich. So rich that I pay people to manage my money. Prolific in my projects and inventions. A spiritual healer or saint of sorts who has a sure sense of my spiritual path and my sense of belonging in the world.

These are my dreams. I haven’t given up on them yet. I can’t. I know, people give up on their dreams every day, but I can’t. The little bit of crazy in me won’t let me. I’d rather die than live a life of the walking dead.

But how to get from where I am now to where I want to be, where I know I should be. My mind can’t figure anything out. My mind has all these plots and plans in it, but there is a part of me that is more than my mind… This is where it gets crazy. There is a part of me that I know exists. Call it Spirit if you want. It is more than my mind. It has saved me and informed me on more than one occasion when I have listened to it. It edges me on and tells me to listen to it now.

There is no way I’m going to reconstruct my life without it. It tells me to do all the things that I’m so afraid to do: reach out to all these people, write letters, just do all this stuff. Travel all these places when I haven’t even paid all of my bills for the month…

So today, since shit else has worked, and since I’m not giving up on myself, I’m going to listen to it. I’m going to listen to my Spirit and go where it leads me. It says to stop writing this blog now and do other things, so here I go. Wish me luck, my Loves. What am I gonna do with all this power? With all this Love? With all this Life? I don’t know… I’m going to surrender and see what happens. Wish me luck my Loves. Wish me luck…

Day 496
What Are You Gonna Do (With All that Power/Love/Life)?

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From → Time to Live

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