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Day 495 – For the Martyrs (Be Blessed) (The Energy of Love)

May 27, 2018

I just deleted the post I put up yesterday…

I’m supposed to be working on a script, but it’s been a few weeks since I’ve been deeply in touch with my inner world. My writing partner/house guest left this morning, and I just want to take a moment to process and set a clear intention before I move on to the next thing.

I wrote a blog badmouthing him yesterday. Everything I said was true, but, for whatever reason, I didn’t feel good about saying it, so I took it down.

I went through a thing with him. It wasn’t his fault. Whatever we went through seemed to represent my relational dynamics with most people in my life – up until this point. I saw the pattern clear. God brought stinky feet and everything that I can’t stand and shoved it in my face to deal with.

All the anger and unforgiveness that I had been harboring inside of me for so many things for so many years – even anger and unforgiveness for myself – came to the surface and was released. All the patterns were made crystal clear.

I was mad at myself because I have spent so many years being a martyr. I was mad at myself because I had spent so much time giving my time and energy towards people and causes that couldn’t refuel me even if they wanted to. I was mad at everyone who ever looked at me as their hero, or their source for progress, and latched onto me for the express purpose of being saved by me, and never thought once to care for me in the process. And I was full of unforgiveness.

That was yesterday, and this is today. Today I am full of gratitude. There was a heaviness, like a weight in my brain and in my body, and it has been lifted. Today, life doesn’t feel hard. Oh, I am still right here at the beginning with so many unknowns, but what I know is that I am going somewhere better than where I came from, and knowledge is enough for me to keep walking and taking action.

In me, there is a seed of joy and Love that wants to express and flower. It is like the seed was always there trying to find good place to take root. And finally, finally, it has found a space in me where it can be rooted and grow. And it is ready to blossom already.

I’ll give my old friend fear a break. Matter of fact, I’ll give my old friend fear some Love. I’m sure my wild ass would have been dead without it. And so I am grateful for the fear that kept me safe. I no longer need you to keep me safe anymore, fear. I will keep myself safe with Love. I will keep myself safe by Loving myself and taking action that reflects that Love. I finally understand. I finally get it.

I don’t want to talk too much about this idea because it’s fairly new to me, but martyrdom ain’t it. Martyrdom is not the way. You end up dead and then nobody wins. I hear my good friend Matsemala’s spirit speaking to me from the other side. He says it’s time to do work now. It’s time to create. It’s time to be Blessed.

Take that focus. Take that energy that I so willingly give away to any and everything all willy nilly, and give to the nurturing of the seed that has been planted. Give birth at last to something True. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Follow the energy of Love and be Blessed. Be a Blessing. Be Blessed.

And so it is. Ameen.

Day 495
For the Martyrs (Be Blessed) (The Energy of Love)

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From → Time to Live

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