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Day 494 – Underneath The Shadow

May 2, 2018

It’s been a dark day… A dark month… A dark six months… Hell, it’s mostly been a dark ten years if I’m being honest. The Decade of Darkness, I’ll call it.

The Lord hath said it is time for an end. The decade of darkness shall end today. Lord, if you will hold my hand, I am choosing the Light now. I am choosing to step into the light…

A friend of mine was supposed to come out to visit – my writing bud. We have this major opportunity that presented itself, and I’ve been so unstable and overwhelmed lately that I didn’t think I would be able to rise to the occasion if I didn’t have someone here with me, and so I asked him to come, so we could just help motivate each other and knock this project out and finally move on to the next level of our lives… He has had a dark decade as well.

I made the request on Sunday, and by Monday morning, he said he’d be here on Tuesday. Then by Monday night, he said he’d be here on Wednesday. And finally, today, he said that something had come up, an opportunity for another one of his projects in the city he lives in, and he would be here on this upcoming Sunday.

I was distraught. You see, when he said he was coming, I imagined myself like one of those people in the video games, or like a character from “Ready Player One”. I had found the last key. I could finally unlock my life and move on to the next level.

I had found a bonafide power partner. Someone who would be here for me. Someone who wouldn’t tap out when things got rough and someone who had the guts to go for his dream all the way. Someone who wouldn’t get jealous of me when I started succeeding. Someone who truly cared about other people and was willing to put his money where his mouth was. Someone who could be kind and honest… I thought I had found a power partner at last. He wasn’t a woman, like my Feminine Power course had suggested, but nonetheless, he qualified and he was coming!

And then he wasn’t. And now I don’t know if he will. I don’t know if I want him to. The moment has passed. He didn’t come, and honestly, I am angry with him and disappointed with him for not taking the action that he knew he should have taken, for letting his mind and fears get in the way, and for not being there for me in the way that I really needed. “How much support do you need?” my hater under supported friend asked me not too long ago.

Truth be told, I will survive. But I’m not sure if anything else outside of survival happens all on one’s own. I know. We are not supposed to say this, especially not in America. We are supposed to say that we can do everything on our own and that we’ve done everything on our own, and I’ve touted that story for most of my life, but I don’t believe it anymore.

And my mind says, “well just believe it again”, but I don’t believe it anymore. I don’t want it anymore… I have been searching for a power partner since I heard about the concept in a course I took called Feminine Power over a year ago. A power partner is like a vision holder. It is someone who stands with you and stands for you and helps you step into whatever vision you have for yourself. There is harmony and love between you and them. You stand with and for them and do the same thing for them as well. In the Feminine Power course (which is created and taught by Claire Zammit), there are three keys to unlocking Feminine Power and creating the life of your dreams, living your destiny and helping to change the world.

1. Get into your true identity and align your behaviors with true identity
2. Get into an empowered relationship with God as a co-creator
3. Get into an empowered relationship with the collective field and find you a power partner.

I have been working hard on the first two, but still haven’t found a power partner, and last night when I thought my writing bud was coming, it felt like I had the third key in my hand…

It’s 2:35am. I’m at my alma mater in the computer lab, because I had to do some work and I knew it wasn’t going to get done if I stayed at home. There is a man in my life who I’m breaking up. I’ve broken up with, but he still says he’s my man, and he’s still around and now we just be mean to each and dig deeper into all the reasons we don’t need to be together without really talking about it.

Today, he made a comment as to how it would be nice if I essentially got my life together and had something good to talk about sometimes. That has been on my mind. I have many poems to write about it. “Fair Weather Men”. “Good Time Girl”. “Talk to Me When You Get It Together”. “Lift Your Vibe if You Want to Vibe”… There is an epidemic of spiritually “conscious” people who think being conscious means only surrounding yourself with “happy” people and only pretending to be happy all the time, and not really dealing with any negative emotions, and definitely not being in the presence of anyone who expresses negative emotions. I had the inclination to tell him about himself in a passive-aggressive poem that would hit him straight in the gut. Of course, I know all about him. He never told me, but I could tell him why he’s never had a successful relationship and all the ways he’s just not good boyfriend or spouse material. I’m pretty sure no one he’s cared much about has ever told him these things, because he doesn’t really get close enough to anyone for them to see these sides of him…

I have a way of bringing out the monsters and the shadows. I’ve made peace with that part of myself. But I still want to write a poem to this guy. I’d like to do something different. For once, I don’t want to be that girl. That girl that recognizes all the shit you’ve got going on and tells you about yourself. I want to flip it. I don’t want to be a liar, either, and act like it’s ok to just be someone who only wants to hang out with folks when stuff is good. But what I know is that he doesn’t want to be that person, either. He’s wanted to be better for quite some time… He’s just too invested in his false identity to do anything different.

This blog may be long because I have a lot to write about. I hope you’ll bear with through these bad, sad times. I don’t want to cover them up and not write about them, and you know why? Because so many people don’t talk or write about the sad and bad times, and then other people feel like something is totally wrong with them for having negative emotions… Because I can be an asshole and I have a fighting spirit, and because some kind of way I’m compassionate, too, and I ask people questions like, “How do you fee?” I am very privy to the deep, dark feelings of many. And many have very deep, dark feelings that they just don’t share.

We keep them bottled in until we get sick as dogs and our hands start trembling and our lives fall apart and we get diagnosed with psych issues. And then, finally, we confront our shadows when confronting them is our only option to survive. We are, indeed, survivors. But how can we thrive?

Underneath the Shadow

Underneath the shadow is the bridge that leads us home
Not saying you should stay and witness demons exorcised.
You might get hurt, and you must survive.
But underneath the shadow, my light remains
I, too, wish to see the sun.
I, too, wish to speak of ease and joy
And, oh!
To feel the safety of arms unafraid
of gnashing
phantom
teeth
Not saying you should stick around and see the ugliness of butterfly birth
But when this time passes
And my shadow becomes lighter and lighter as I spread my wings
higher and higher
Know I will remember you
And I forgive your missight
I will remember Love you shared when you could see my light
And I will Bless you with my butterfly wings on your darkest days…
I Love you.
I am here to spread the Light.
I have always been…

Day 494
Underneath the Shadow

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From → Time to Live

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