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Day 492 – The Energy of Love (Support)

April 14, 2018

Lord have mercy. My heart is all over the place. I’m procrastinating a bit. I think I’m having a bit of anxiety. About moving forward… I need help, God. Sometimes the emotional stuff that happens is too heavy for me to bear on my own. I need a friend. I really need a true friend.

I am in the library and some old man is looking at me with interest. I want to scream. I am tired of old men looking at me with interest. AAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!

So, what happened since my last blog entry is that I spoke with three different people. The first was a guy who I’ve been flirting with for over 8 years. Many moons ago, we worked a customer service type job together. There was chemistry between us, but he was living with his ex-girlfriend and I was in limbo because my boyfriend Dream Lover had disappeared off of the face of the Earth and had been MIA for about four months… As I think about this, I’m thinking, “What a load of shit. How you gon’ be someone’s boyfriend and speak all these promises to them and then just drop off the face of the Earth?”. But I digress. I met this guy at work. We liked each other but we never pursued each other because we both had too much going on in our lives. After a while, he decides he’s moving to New York to be a musician. He packs his bags and leaves. After he gets to New York, he calls me and tells me about how much he’s into me, asks if I’d be willing to come out to New York to be with him. I tell him I’ll consider it. He becomes unreachable by phone for the next week. I get mad at him for being unreachable and send him an angry email. He sends me an angry email back and then stops responding to any of my attempts to contact him. For six years. A couple years ago, he finally responded to a message I sent him. We talked and apologized about stuff. He says he’s still into me, but he’s always dating someone out in NY. I’m always dating but not dating someone in LA…

I realize that I’m always dating but not dating someone in LA, and this pattern of always having some kind of man around who is covertly trying to be my man while I ignore the fact that he’s covertly trying to be my man because I just want some company and don’t want to be alone actually gets in the way of me really being in a relationship with anyone. There are too many “man doors” open in my life. Anyone serious about me doesn’t think I’m serious about them, and if I’m being really honest with myself, I can see why. I can see that I’ve been dating but not dating many of the men I call friends. I’m not having sex with them, but I’m acting like their girlfriend. They’re acting like my boyfriend. They’re making romantic plans for me, and I’m acting like I don’t know about it and hoping they never say anything out loud so we can keep hanging out together, and all the while the energy remains. The pulling. The guilt… So, the other day, I decided that I was going to either break up with or commit to all of my non-boyfriends.

I should tell you that this is a very hard thing for me to do, because there’s no one else in my life. There’s no one else here. Yes, I have family, but my family is far away and most of them are either not willing or not able to give the emotional support I need in my life. They have their own lives and their own beliefs about living life with people. In spite of my mother’s best preachings that we should be there for each other as siblings, we ultimately from her actions to not ask people for help and to give help from a distance, but not to live life with anyone except for our husbands/wives and kids. We also learned to trust no outsiders. When you grow up and get married, outsiders are now anyone outside of your new family, including sibs…

I am feeling sad, Allah. I don’t want to write about this stuff, but I’m going to write about it because it’s making my heart heavy and I need to let it go.

So, there is no one in my life who I’m particularly close to except for my non-boyfriends. My women friends are gone. We grew apart, meaning I grew and they became insecure and jealous. I don’t know how to feel about all these things. I don’t know what to do about all these things. I want to reach out to my female friends and say, “Hey! Come be my friend. I need someone to talk to. I need someone to go places with. I need someone to do all my myriad self-help programs with and eat dinner with,” but I know that they don’t want to listen to whatever it is I have to say. They need someone to talk to and just want someone who’s going to listen to them blab on and on about themselves. They are not going to go any place with me just because I need company. They only go places they want to go when they want to go. They are not going to do any self-help programs with me because they don’t want to, and they are not going to eat dinner with me, because that’s more intimacy than they can handle. But they are going to want me to jump, hop and skip and do all those things with and for them when they get the notion. And to add insult to injury, they’re going to get jealous and maybe even try to mess me over if I tell them that anything good is going on with me. And yet I have deep bonds with these women. And yet I Love them. And yet a part of me misses them, but I don’t really believe that they have the capacity to be good friends, so I stay away in my little lonely bubble… And I am not at peace with that decision, either.

I am wondering if I should continue writing this blog. It is already too long and there is much more to say.

Yes, Spirit says, go ahead and finish writing.

So. If I get rid of all my non-boyfriends, then I have no one here. No support. My family will probably send me money if I need it, but no emotional support. No one to live life with. No one who champions me. No one to share my successes with. No one whose presence is comforting… If I keep my non-boyfriends around, though, and don’t make a decision to actually close those doors, I know that I will never have a real boyfriend, much less a husband.

I wonder if I really want a husband. I wonder if I want anything. This is where the rabbit hole goes when I feel low…

I was praying the other day and asking for guidance on so many things, and the message I got was, “Follow the energy of Love.”

My birthday is coming up next week, and if I dump my non-boyfriends before then, then I might not have anyone do anything for me for my birthday. LOL! These are real considerations.

But back to the story. The three things that have happened since my last entry. Young Blood (what I’m calling the guy I mentioned before because he’s young). We talked about being together. Long talk. Talked about coming or going to visit each other so we could see if things could work out. Talked about how we have this chemistry between us that could possibly mean that either of us are “the one”. Got somewhat excited. Texted each other and said we’d see each other within a month, but then I said my prayers. And everything changed. “Follow the energy of Love” was the message I kept receiving. “Open your heart and follow your heart.” I looked at Young Blood. The energy of Love wasn’t there. Sure, he could be a great guy and is a great guy, but right now he is bitter and closed up. Right now he is running away from being in relationship with anyone. And yes, I could do like the movies and go towards him and maybe if I love him enough, he will learn to trust and open up and we could have something magical, but the whole endeavor feels exhausting. I’m not interested anymore, but I haven’t told him yet. Emotional blow #1.

Number 2. Yesterday I got a message from someone close to me. This person is the person whom I had a big blow-out with in February. We had this blow-out because I agreed to help this person with something for an amount of time. Our communication wasn’t clear when we made the agreement, and I thought the amount of time that I was supposed to help was shorter than the amount of time that she thought. When I realized we had a misunderstanding or the commitment, I didn’t address it with her. Instead, I addressed it with her partner because I was scared of her and didn’t want to confront her. When her partner told her about my misunderstanding, long story short, she made new plans to find help and then told everyone that I was going to bail out on her and forced her to make new plans and the situation just escalated and escalated. It ended up with a physical altercation and me ending the help arrangement. Me and said person have spoken since our situation in February, but our relationship hasn’t been healed. In my opinion, she only sees me as a tool for her use and doesn’t give a shit about me, or anyone else for that matter. She only cares about other people when she’s feeling bored, which is hardly ever. So anyway, this person reached out to me yesterday and asked me to do something for her. She ain’t checked on me since I left the help situation. She ain’t called to see how I’m doing. I can literally count on two fingers the amount of times she has ever just called to offer anything to me, even a word of advice, and I have known her many, many years… I am angry and hurt. I don’t want to do shit for her. This is the truth. I also wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish I knew how to forgive all the way, but I don’t think that’s the problem. I think the problem is, what happens after you forgive? What happens after you forgive people and they are still assholes, but you still love them and you still want to be a part of their life? That’s the real question. She’s still an asshole. She will still try and use you if you come too close. She will still feel like her problems are more important than yours, no matter how bad off you are, and she will still ask you for shit and treat you bad while you’re helping her. And although working in tandem with her might help both of us grow in ways, I’m not really interested. I don’t think she’s interested in me being her teacher right now, and I’m not really interested in her being mine. I’m interested in Love, reciprocity and harmony. For some reason, she is interested in me being there for her. She wants me to approve of her, Spirit whispers to me. She wants me to forgive her wholly. She wants me to know that even though she is about as selfish as they come, she loves me as much as she can… She wants me to accept that. I will work on it

Third situation. Went to get a massage yesterday. One of my non-boyfriends, whom I actually intentionally dated some years ago, is a massage therapist. The Old Prophet. He made it to this blog many years ago. We only dated a few months, and have been broken up for about three years, and we’ve made peace with each other since then. He works at this store where he gives massages, and every now and then I go there and get a massage from him. Yesterday I went to get a massage, and he had just gotten done packing up. I ran into him in the parking lot. He started looking at me all funny and when I asked him what was going on, he said, he was thinking about the way things could have been between us. He’s dating and living with another woman now, but he said that he had waited a long time for me before he got in another relationship. He said that I was everything he was looking for in a woman, and in his whole life, he has never had a deeper connection with another woman. We talked about our lives, and this is what broke something in my feelings. He said, that, for where I am in my life, what I need is support. He said, that when we were together, he had been saving up money so that we could move in together and he could pay for everything while he supported me in my career… It broke me down in tears and I am in tears now because what he said is so true. He understood. He was always good at understanding the deeper things. I needed support. I need support. So many people look at support as usury, and it is usury when it is usury, but I am not talking about usury.

We were taught not to ask for things. How dare I think that I deserve to just have some random person come up in my house and help me clean and help me cook and help me sort out my papers and be with me to help encourage me to write and hold me when I cry and listen to me when I talk about my day and celebrate me when I do cool stuff and celebrate me even when I don’t do cool stuff and go places with me and do other things that I can’t even think of.

We were taught that we are the givers of these things. It sounds so backwards when I write it down. We were taught that we are the ones that are supposed to do these things for other people, but if we have other people do it for us, or, God forbid, if we actually seek out other people just so they can do these things for us, we are usurious bastards and we are bad people.

I don’t know how I feel about all of these beliefs I was implanted with. Some of them have not served me well. I’m not even mad at the people who did the seeding. They believed what they believed in order to survive in this world… But the Old Prophet understood. The reason he and I didn’t make it very far in our relationship at the time was that he was an asshole. I met him right around the time I had started getting sick, and he had so many fears about being used, etc. etc. that he didn’t really help much with my sick issues and was really mean to me at the time. He has grown since then, but it is too late for us. He is still willing to let his pride or other considerations get in the way of being there for me when I’m in need. But, he has grown…

Those three incidents kind of busted my happy bubble and got me all caught up with tears again. As I write, the tears are leaving and my head and heart are getting clear.

I need support. I need to accept and forgive and heal from the things in the past. Oh yeah. In addition to my non-boyfriends, I have one guy that I’m actually dating. It is understood between the two of us that I’m actually getting to know him with the possibility of being his woman. But he messed around and fell in love with me the other day. I saw it in his eyes. And I’m not in love with him. And I don’t know if he’s “the one”. I think he’s more not “the one” than “the one”, but I’m not sure. But I don’t want to lead him on and/or hurt him, because regardless if he is “the one”, he has been good to me and deserves Love. I want to keep him safe, God. How do I proceed?

Mind blown on any answers on much, but asking the questions and writing it out have at least gotten rid of the hurting of my chest and made me aware of what I need. I need Love. I need support. I need to give Love. I need to give support. I need to heal and forgive completely and let go of all these attachments to my non-boyfriends from the past and shift relational dynamics where possibly. I need to intend harmony with all my relations… Tall order, Indeed. I’m committed, though. I’m really committed to moving forward and I will listen, God. I will follow. I will follow… I will follow the energy of Love.

Day 492
The Energy of Love (Support)

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From → Time to Live

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