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Day 491 – Time, Focus and Energy (Time to Live)

April 12, 2018

Hey. I’m at the writer’s library in LA. I didn’t really sleep last night. Spent the night doing a writing session with my writing partner until the wee hours, and then went out to my yoga class at 4am, then went to the park and stretched and exercised, meditated, read my daily uplifting book, ate breakfast, parked in front of the writer’s library, took about an hour nap in my car, and voila! Here I am.

It’s 11:30am and I want to write about time, focus and energy. I can’t keep up with all the events that happen in my life from day to day, but the other day, I had a profound realization: I choose most of them.

I haven’t worked a 9 to five job in three years. Two of those three years, I was sick and almost completely nonfunctional, so I won’t count that time. But for about a year, I have been relatively healthy, and I have not worked a 9 to 5 job or generally worried about how I will eat, and in this past year, I have been so ridiculously busy and my life has been full of so much activity that it doesn’t even make sense. You see, I wake up in the morning and decide exactly what I want to do with my day.

If I wanted, I could watch TV all day. I could learn gardening or ballet. I could work at a thrift store, like I did last week. I could get involved in a relationship and have sex all day or browse the internet. I could do yoga or decide I want to write script and movies and stories and blogs. I could skip cities or states or countries and move in with some family member or friend somewhere… The list goes on and on and on… The other day I realized that I am just ridiculously busy, and I had to pause and ask myself what I’m doing with my time.

In her 21 day meditation program that just ended, Oprah recommends that you spend time doing what lifts you up and what bring you love… Most of us don’t realize that we have this choice.

We can literally stop what we’re doing, unplug from the nightmare that is our life, and do something different with our time; doing something slower; do something that lifts us up and brings us Love; do something that makes us feel like we have lived a life well spent…

I came to this realization the other day. The spell over my life has been broken, and I see so many things, so many erroneous choices I’ve made.

How shall I spend my life now? What should I do with this time? Do you know what I want to do the most? Love somebody. I’m not even necessarily talking about a man. I’m talking about anyone who will receive this love without punching me or recoiling. I finally discovered my superpower: Love. I remember, sometime in my youth, I was a very Loving and caring girl. Life put a spell on me and made me forget, but I remember now.

I don’t want to be running back and forth to and fro, fighting people and being alone. I want to Love people. I want people to Love me. I want to laugh like a giddy little girl, like my nieces and nephews laugh when they are having fun. I want my heart to be free for this part of my life. Forgive everyone.

And yes, I want to give stuff to the world. Cool stuff. Fun stories. Things that excite people and make them marvel and think and want to live. Inventions. Spaces that create connection. I want to leave a piece of my heart here when I die. I didn’t know that I was a prolific artist, writer and entrepreneur. It has taken me so long to know who I am and what I came here to do. I guess if I hadn’t experienced so much pain early on, then I wouldn’t be able to see how much pain so many others are in, and how much we are all lacking in Love.

I want to start over. I want to pack my bags and go somewhere where my heart will be received. I want to partner with someone(s) who understand where I’m coming from, who know that there is just no more time to be running to and fro, making a mess of our lives. I want to hold hands with someone fearless who can quit a job and not fall apart. I am just now thinking of all these thoughts as I’m sitting in the writer’s library, and tears are streaming down my face.

How will I transform my lonely, miserly life into these words I’m writing? I know, it’s a tall order, especially starting from where I’m starting, but I’m going to start. I didn’t know that I had so much to give and share with the world. I thought I was a nothing, you see? But I’m not.

I’ve got so much Love to share. I’ve got so much Love to give. I finally get it. I’ve got so many brilliant ideas, and I’m ready now… It’s time to Live.

Day 491
Time, Focus and Energy (Time To Live)

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