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Day 490 – This Part of My Life (Integrity)

April 2, 2018

My mind is all jumbled up and I’ve been procrastinating for the past three hours or so. There’s so much to do… Feel like the lady from the glass menagerie. Real stuff.

Not quite sure how I feel. Not quite sure what I think. Only know that I am unmoored. Nothing like I used to be. I think I have lived about four years worth of life in these past four months. It has not been easy. It has been hard. The hardest ever. On the outside, my life looks easy. I travel a lot. I always seem to have money and food and I have a decent sized apartment by myself in a newly gentrified area of Los Angeles. There is always some man around taking me out on dates.

Inside, though, I have been suffering. I have been confused. I have not known how to deal with all of the grief I’ve been experiencing these past few months. I don’t know how to rebuild after the storm. And the worst part of it all, which I am discovering, is that nobody knows.

Something happens to grown-ups when we reach a certain age. Somewhere between 22 and 28, and for some people much sooner, we forget. We forget everything. Someone breaks our hearts. We suffer some deep disappointment, and we stop. We stop being honest. We stop Loving. We forget about everything that we wanted to do with our lives. Our mantra becomes survival. And this lasts for a while. For some people survival is a mantra for life. But for most, there comes a time when something happens and you see that there is more to life than survival and you have to make a choice, which is where I am. I have to make a choice. And it’s a hard choice. I have to choose to live or die. Rather, it is not a choice of living or dying, but a choice of surviving or thriving.

I am looking at my life, and looking at all I have done with this time on Earth, and I am not satisfied.
I am in my dirty thirties, and although I can congratulate myself for some things, mostly I am not satisfied with what I have done with my time on Earth. Where did all the time go? It is like I have been under a spell for many, many years, just going to and fro. And I look around, and so many people are under their own spells, just going to and fro, trying to survive. Hurting each other all along the way. I look around at the world, and most of us are very small, scared creatures. Even myself.

I have been a very small, scared creature, too. I am brave in my own way. I have been brave, too, but I have not broken free from my deepest fears. Until now. I am just beginning to break free. How do you break free, though, God? How does one break free? I miss my friends. I want to call them, tell them happy birthday, see them, help them, spend time with them, but whenever I do, I am brought back to the darkness that was us. I want to call my sis, ask her how she’s doing, but she will be just as guarded and suspicious as she’s always been and probably ask me to do something for her… I want to go and hang out with my favorite best friend, but he can’t help himself. He find a way to betray me and look at me like he’s just tasted a bad thing. I want to do my nails with my female friend, but I know that after about thirty minutes, she will dive deep into her neuroses and begin comparing herself with everyone, start smoking up a storm, and then look at me like her food while I suffer. I want to go and walk on the grass with my angel of a friend, but he will fall in Love with me and I won’t marry him, so I choose not to lead him on.

And this is where we are today. Alone. I have been here a while. I just didn’t know it. And I am thinking of rebuilding, but I am trying to build a thing on my own and so few people know how to build it – Love. Fulfillment. Happiness.

Take me where the giants are, Allah. Is it all a lie? These books I read about Love and happiness and peace and fulfillment. Is it all a lie? Take me where the giants are. I am tired of this little, small life. I need help. Take me where the giants are. The man I met – the abusive one – he had the right idea, but the wrong execution, and he was abusive. But he understood something most people don’t. He understood how hard it is – how deep you have to go – how real you have to go if you really want to change your life.

Allah, I am petitioning you. I know You know the way. I know you know the answer. My little, small life won’t do anymore. The other day, I looked at a man and thought about how much I would like to Love someone. Just be there for someone. Breathe life into him. Give him a safe space to call home. Not just anyone, though. Not these stupid busters who don’t understand what it is to Love and appreciate a diamond. Someone special. Someone kind. Someone integrous. That is the word for the day. That is what I seek to be. Integrous. Integrous. Integrous…

I am tired of holding all this baggage in my heart. I am tired of all the sadness and confusion. I am tired of being so small. When I say small, I am not talking about my influence in the world or my money. I am talking about my Love. I am talking about how little I Love. How did my big, big heart become such a small and closed up thing, with so little going in and so little going out? How can I Love all these assholes that I used to call friends? From a distance, You say. Love them by letting them go and letting them grow…

Sometimes I wonder if the voices in my head are from God or if I’m just making it all up. I view life like the character on Life of Pi. I don’t know what is true or what is not true. All I know is that I have to pick something. Choose something. You understand? It doesn’t matter if the Guidance I hear comes from God or it comes from the voices in my head. I choose to follow the Guidance I receive from within. It is a dangerous choice, I know. There are books and religions and so many things that have come before me with so much Guidance. And sometimes the voices in my head lead me to those books and those religions…

Something in me feels like this part of my life is serious and important. There is no more time to play with bullshit men and relationships. There is no more time to be small and pathetic and just crying every day without taking action. There is no more time to withhold so much Love. Show me where I can Love, Allah. Show me what I must build. There is no more time to be sitting around waiting for heroes. Yes, support will come. Friends will come. A man will come. Family relationships will find their way to peace… I miss them, Allah. I miss having relationships like Oprah described, relationships that are comfortable, easy, filled with light and laughter and consoling when I am down…

You tell me to go ahead and do the things I need to do now. The relationships will come. Work on being integrous for now. Work on letting Love in and letting Love out. You are right. This part is not a part you can do on your own. Work on being discerning and learning who it is you need to build with now. You will know them when you find them. Open your heart to them. Open your heart to them. It will not take so long like you think. Have faith, my sweet, sweet child. Choose to be there now. Choose to be here now. Be there, in this space of Love. Be this space of Love. Move into integrity now. Life will rebuild itself around your integrous intention.. And so it will. And so I will.. Ameen.

Day 490
This Part of My Life (Integrity)

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