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Day 489 – Untitled

February 25, 2018

Almost three months later… I am still feeling sad. LOL. I just read my last blog entry, which I made almost three months ago. It has been a while. The sadness got worse, but has lifted a bit today… Don’t even know where to start with this post except to say that the winter has been cold and harsh.

I am tempted to lay over and go to sleep. Put the pillow in place, but I am forcing myself to sit up and write something and push “publish” before I go to sleep. It’s 2:21am. What have I been running from? Why have I written so many unfinished posts in the past few months but published none? There has been too much going on and I was sick of my sorry life. I went from sad to bad to worse.

And now, after getting assaulted by someone close to me down south, and then coming back to LA and getting verbally assaulted by a man who demanded that I slap my own face (I didn’t do it) before telling me what a piece of shit I am (in so many words), I am officially done with this part of my life. It has all gone too far. That’s all I have to say about that.

The bed beckons me again. I pulled my blanket out and almost leaned over, but didn’t. It means I’m trying to run from something painful. What is it, God? I am willing to face it. I am willing to face it. I am willing to face it. Please carry me through to the other side. I am willing to go through it.

My heart has been broken. It has been breaking for the past three months. I feel sorry for myself. I feel sorry for so many people like me. Us sensitive souls who are born into the most harsh of situations. It’s like it’s some kind of cruel joke. Take the most sensitive and kind of empaths and place them in a families of narcissistic, abusive, controlling, egomaniacs who don’t give a shit about them and see how they turn out. I am angry a bit, but not that much. I don’t understand it all. I don’t understand why my life has been so painful.

I don’t understand why someone assaulted me or why a man was sitting across from me yelling and trying every which way to break. me. down. Oh, there goes the bed again. Ooooh, wee. Is it because I’m a smart alec? I don’t say too much, but people always try to test me and I am good at knowing the words that cut. I always see people’s bullshit and lies miles away. Have a harder time seeing my own. It’s my gift and curse.

So, I think I’m trying to go to sleep and not write this blog entry because I have nothing profound to say. I have no answers to anything. A lot has happened since my last entry, but mostly it’s been me fighting people and people fighting me and me feeling like shit. Oh, I also wrote a new script with a writing partner and that process was fun and tormenting. Met men. Someone offered to pay me to be his girlfriend. He was gonna whisk me away and move me to the rich part of town, pay all our bills and buy all our food, and give me a hefty monthly allowance. I had to put in up to 14 hours a week doing housewife type stuff: cooking, cleaning, giving him a massage. Sounded like a grand plan. Except he wanted me to slap my own face. And when he did offensive stuff, he just wanted to not address it and say “It’s a new day. That’s the past.” And he wanted to tell me that I can’t sell my scripts to Hollywood. I think that’s what did it. I know. Him telling me to slap my own face wasn’t enough. Him lying about stuff and being mean as hell wasn’t enough. This bitch told me that I can’t sell my scripts to Hollywood and then started talking about odds and statistics. And when I think of it, on our first date, I remember when I told him I was a writer, he opened up his mouth and asked me how I made money. By writing, bitch!

Can you tell I’m a little upset? There’s a lot of curse words in this entry, and I haven’t even been around a lot of potty mouths lately. Please forgive me. I do believe I’m a little angry.

My mom just came out of the room to ask me if I stay up this late writing every night. Yeah, my mom is here. Don’t ask. It’s been a long winter…

The bed beckons. The demons grin. You will not win tonight. My energy is drained. Why is life so hard? Why are there demons and mothers and men and friends to fight? When will I be safe here? When does this all end? I long to relax. I long to be held. I long to feel safe here in this world. A friend tells me to imagine that the Dora Milaje, the women soldiers from the movie Black Panther, are surrounding me and walking with me wherever I go.

My dear God, you said I am your Beloved. The ones who were to protect me tried to hurt me, and I am so hurt, Allah. I am so disappointed. I am so heartbroken to know that it has always been this way. We have always been this small…

The bed is really calling me. I want to push delete on this whole entry because I think it’s dumb. I recognize that I have a lot of negative thoughts going through my head. I want to not publish this so folks don’t judge me. I want to not put negative thoughts out into the world. I realize that I’m probably tripping out right now and being a little extra. My mom didn’t go back to sleep. She’s up in the room making noise. I want a magical man who’s not abusive to whisk me away and take me into the experience of a new life…

I could go on and on whining and talking about all the horrible thoughts in my head. If I keep on long enough, I’m going to push delete and not publish this. What I wanted to do today is write because it has been a long time and I have not been sharing myself or keeping track of my thoughts, or really sorting out my thoughts that much. My hands are trembling and I feel like throwing up. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me… Lawdamercy. My mom is calling me from the room. You gotta be kidding me. My mom just came back from a trip and is staying with me for a few days. She is sick with a cold. You gotta be kidding me, God.

Ok. I know there is some lesson to be learned from these past few months of shitterling happenings. I know there is a through line somewhere that I am missing. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna push publish on this blog, I’m gonna keep living, surrender to the moment at hand, be present, imagine good things, and intend to allow for the highest possible good of the collective in every action that I take. It is so much easier to do these things when I don’t feel like shit. I guess that the point. Good night, world.

Day 489

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