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Day 488 – On Making Meaning (Living With Sadness)

November 30, 2017

Hey y’all. Your girl’s over here suffering. Don’t feel sorry for me. There are worse things happening in the world than a sad woman sitting in an apartment in LA.

My brain is on overload. Now I see why people drink and do drugs. I kind of want to stop thinking about things for a while and stop feeling the way I feel. I won’t, do drugs or go to my tried and true escape mechanisms, though (relationships and sleep). Instead, I will write a blog.

I want to share something. I was listening to a recording from one of my spiritual mentors today, and on it, she said that the reason so many of us are in so much pain is because we are not living the lives we are here to live. That resonated with me. It’s like there’s a little whisper in your heart somewhere telling you to do and be and say and experience and create a thing, but you are not doing it. You don’t know how to do it. And so you are in pain.

The catch 22 is, because you are in pain, you don’t do the thing that is whispering to you to be done. You find ways to ease or avoid your pain. You work very hard at trying to get rid of that gnawing in your belly and the tremors in your heart. And that becomes a life.

So, I’ve been feeling really sad this week. I’ve been feeling really sad for a little over a month, but most of the time, I’ve been engaged in battle with friends. Now, for the past five days, I’ve been here by myself processing everything. My first instinct was to run and find something to ease my pain. Make a new friend. Go to sleep. Go to one of the hundreds of social and film events that happen in LA every week. Work a job that I could care less about… I didn’t do all those things this time, though. This time, I just let myself feel as sad as I feel. And I haven’t felt this sad in a while. It’s been almost a year since I’ve felt this low…

My mind wants to grasp onto something stable, but there is nothing. I want to go back to the religion of my youth, where everything made sense. Read this book, do what it says, be good and you will get a reward of everlasting bliss when you die. It’s easy. I wish I believed it again. I pretty much live the same lifestyle of the people of my childhood religion, but not for the same reasons as them…

My mind has been looking for a way to get out of this feeling of sadness. My mind has been looking for a way to come back to the world of the alive people. I have been hearing lectures and having conversations with people about how to be happy. One spiritual path says seek and welcome the mothering aspect of God into my life. Surrender to her and she will fix everything… Maybe.

A question arises in my mind, though. Can I be sad? Can I just be sad until I’m not? Must I strive so much to feel a thing that I don’t feel right now? Why are we always running away from sadness? Surely sadness has a purpose, too. I don’t know it’s purpose, but I’m tired of running from it for now. If I am sad, it is because I am sad. There is pain in me needing to be released. Sadness is a messenger.

But what is the message?

We try so hard to make so much meaning out of everything. A friend says that the message is, I shouldn’t eat cake anymore. Another person says that the reason I am sad is because I don’t have many true friends. Someone else says it’s because I have too many friends and I need to learn to be alone. Another says I need to get married. Someone else says I need a hug. I need a child. I need a new religion. I need my old religion. There is too much sage in my house. There is not enough sage. They say I am sad because I need more money. I am sad because I have too much money and I’m idle because of it. I need to exercise more. I exercise too much. They say I am sad because I need to work on my passion. They say I am sad because I need to forget about passion and this foolish notion that we all have a passion and purpose. Follow the book. They say I am sad because I don’t follow the book. I need more sunlight, they say, or Vitamin D pills at least…

And what do I say? Why am I so sad? The reason is none of the above and all of the above. The reason I am so sad is because I haven’t been able to make meaning of it all. And the meanings that I used to make just aren’t resonating with me anymore. I am sad because the fairytale is over – my naive eyes have opened up, and I see the darkness in the world. I see the darkness within me. I am sad because I am grown up now, and I can’t pretend not to know what I know… I am sad because there is no one to reach out to – no one knows the answer. Most people are trying very hard just to survive. Just to survive. Just to eat and breathe and run away from sadness. I am sad because how is it that this is our world? My innocent eyes are opening up.

I am sad because I am losing my innocence and seeing things for what they are – the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, the indifferent. It took me long enough…

I am sad because I lost my best friend and, although I know he love me deeply and I love him deeply, I can’t figure out a way to be close to him without being hurt. I’m heartbroken about being betrayed by the one person whom I expected kindness from…

I’m sad because I changed. Somewhere along the way, I changed. I became someone who I don’t recognize. Not in a bad way. I don’t know if it’s a bad way or a good way, but it is what it is. I’m not interested in going back to the way I used to be, but I’m not quite sure who I’m becoming…

I don’t want to lie anymore. I don’t want to make believe. I don’t want to try and make sense of a thing just so it can make sense. I don’t want to say, “Oh. I’m learning all these lessons and growing and unfolding and the people around me are going to have to grow and unfold and I’m experiencing dissonance and that why I’m sad,” etc etc… or “I’m getting stronger so I can live out my destiny and do something magical and I’m going to need to know how to overcome sadness so I can help some sad person in the future, so that’s why I’m sad.” I don’t want to say those things, because maybe they are true and maybe they are not. Someone could just as easily say, “I’m sad because I forsook my childhood religion and now I’m being punished,” or “I’m sad because I’m letting go of friends who have been there for me in the past.” You understand?

I am feeling sad. That’s it. This is what I want to share for the day. I’m feeling sad. There’s no need to fix it. There’s no need to change it. It will change itself. There’s no need to make it mean so many things. It’s not as complicated as we make it. I interacted with certain people and I felt sad. I don’t know why. They betrayed me, but their betrayal was so small. It wasn’t enough to make a person cry for a month on end. But it triggered something in me that had already been so hurt for so long, something that is deeper than my understanding of it.

What is also true is that I want to be alive. I can be sad and also be alive. I don’t want to run from my feelings anymore, you understand? I have been running for such a long time. I want to face what’s in me and give it a chance to come out now. I want to give it a chance to heal now. I want to heal now. For real.

I’m writing this because I realize that I’ve had this notion in my head. I’ve had this notion that I have to be happy and feel all these good things in order to get off the bed, but it’s not true. I can cry and still write a script. I can cry and send out emails. I can cry and make money. I can even cry and be nice to people. I can cry and clean up my house and eat nourishing food. I can cry and go out and get sun for the day. I can cry and exercise. I can cry and be open to Love and be Loving to people. I can cry and be a part of the visible world… It doesn’t have to be one thing or the other…

I would like to believe that the sadness passes, but what if doesn’t? What if you can’t make meaning of it? What if there are too many things that it could mean? What do you do then? I say we still keep living. It might be hard. It might be heavy. Somewhere in your heart and mind there is something that you’ve been needing and wanting to do. Do it now. Don’t make it hard. Don’t make it heavy and burdensome. Don’t set a schedule that you know you won’t stick to it. Don’t force yourself to be all enthusiastic and gung-ho about it. You’re not enthused. You’re feeling sad and bummed out. It’s ok. You’re confused and you don’t know why this shit is happening to you. You don’t know what you did wrong. You don’t know what you did right. You don’t know how to fix anything. You don’t know what steps to take. It’s ok.

Know what you know. There are a few things that you know. They have nothing to do with what he said or she said or religion or guilt or love or hate or desperation or survival. They are things that you know you are supposed to do. Little things like making your bed up or maybe big things like ending or starting a relationship. You know because you know because you know that this is what you need to do now. You’ve known it for a while. Do it. Don’t make it mean anything. Just do it.

Love you,
xo Laydie

Day 488
On Making Meaning (Living With Sadness)

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