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Day 487 – Breakups and Breakdowns

November 28, 2017

I just wrote a whole blog putting myself selfish friends on blast, and deleted it…

I’ve been trying to write a blog for some days now, and keep deleting stuff. I’ll post this one, no matter what comes out.

I’ve been heartbroken and sad, feeling betrayed by my closest friends, feeling alone, and feeling like people just keep me in their lives because they think they can get stuff from me. They don’t even understand the concept of just giving and just feeding another without an interest in gain.

I’ve been wondering if I want to keep so many asshole selfish people in my circle, and I’ve been conflicted. On the one hand, there have been times when these people have been there for me, and they would try to be there for me again if I really needed it. On the other hand, the emotional cost of relating to them is high. They will be selfish. They will try to use you. They will hurt you. They will compete with you. They will have a hard time really being happy for your success. They will not feel compelled to be there for you and support you unless you are really, really dying. And for reasons that they’re probably not even aware of, they won’t really be truly happy or truly comfortable around you. There will always be a slight guardedness.

I’m realizing how people in the world see me. They don’t see me like I see myself. They either think I’m super lucky and super smart and charmed and successful, or they think I’m a super loser and delusional. I don’t think I’m either.

I’m feeling angry and sad and lonely and betrayed by life right now. I want to run away somewhere, and at the same time I want to stay locked in my apartment where it is safe. I don’t like human beings right now, God. I am disappointed with them. I am disappointed with my life. I almost did it. I almost changed it all. But I fell short.

And here I am, here in my apartment crying again… Sigh… A part of me doesn’t want to try anymore. A part of me feels like people are shit. A part of me is getting eaten by the bitter bug. I’ve made it so long without getting bitter, but a part of me is giving up. A part of me wants to sell all of my stuff, let go of this apartment, don’t turn in any more scripts, go back to the city I grew up, become a part of the religion I grew up in again, and just marry someone and be safe. A part of me thinks that this belief that I have a purpose and the world needs me and I’m supposed to do all this work is just a crock of shit.

I am losing faith, Allah. I am losing hope. I have been hit in the heart a bit too hard this time, and I don’t know if I want to be a part of this world anymore. I’m not thinking of suicide or anything like that. I just don’t know if I want to hope anymore.

It sounds silly as I’m writing it, I know. But that’s how I feel. Sad. Afraid to be open anymore. Hurt. Disappointed. Stuck. Things will never be the same with my friends and I again. You know how you know that something major has changed, even though it seems minor? Like when you’re breaking up with someone. There’s usually a moment. An incident. It might be similar to moments or incidents that have happened before. It might not even be as intense as something that has happened before. But after it happens, things are never the same. Things are broken. You know your relationship will never be the same.

My friends are trying to be nice to me now. They will be assholes once I open up and let myself be vulnerable with them again. They’re just not really mature enough to value a thing and nurture it without the threat of loss. And I am too broken to play the push-pull game anymore. I don’t want to come around people that I have to guard myself around, and I don’t want to be around people who are going to hurt me once I’m vulnerable.. They have been constants in my life for years. There is no one else. Without them, I am alone. And without me, they are alone as well…

And I’m wondering if it’s better that way. So that we can grow. So that we can have faith again and meet people who we can trust; people who we can feel safe with. So we can be happy and not be consumed by the bitter bug. So we can forgive and move-on. So we can see where we went wrong and change… I wonder if it’s better to be alone than to be in relationships that are so full of shit… Some people say I cut people off too quick. Others say I keep assholes in my life for too long. I don’t think that I know when to cut people off and who to keep in my life and why. I’ve never been particularly intentional about creating relationships… I don’t know anything these days.

So, it’s 4:07am. I signed up to do some audience work today and I need to start getting dressed in the next 10 minutes if I’m actually going to go and be there on time… I’m debating about going to the bed and feeling sorry for myself all day or getting up and doing something with my life… I don’t even know what to pray for anymore, God. I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. I thought I had escaped all this sadness and pain. I thought I had overcome despair. But here I am, despairing. Here I am, without hope, and not even knowing if I should pray for hope anymore.

You say that the trickster has gotten into my brain, and I say that I am tired of fighting to keep him out. I can’t fight him on my own anymore… I don’t have the words anymore… I need help. Not humans. Not books. Not words. I need Your Help, Allah. I’m drowning. I had come so close to the shore and I don’t have any fight left in me. And I am drifting back into the middle of nowhere. Invisible world. Sad world. Bitter world. World of the living dead. I don’t want to go there. I still want to be alive. I want to be alive. I want to be alive… I’m gonna go get dressed.

Day 487
Break-ups and Breakdowns

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