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Day 486 – Commitment (My New Best Friend)

November 13, 2017

Hey… So… Wow. I’m procrastinating y’all. I’m procrastinating because I just started taking a new course so that I could get some support creating focus and structure in my life, and I had to make a commitment the other day. Commitment is not one of my favorite words. In fact, it’s one of my least favorite words. But it gets better. Check out the commitment that the teacher challenged us to make. She challenged us to make a huge commitment that will transform our lives forever and cause us to live our destiny. This is the commitment I made:

“I am committing to myself that at the highest level possible, I am going to create the conditions in my life to give myself the opportunity to become all that I can be in my life. I commit to fully show up, go all the way, create a life that reflects my potentials, discover what is and isn’t possible for me, and realize my destiny. YES!”

Yep. Umhm. I said that. Now I’m dealing with it. There is no way that I can make that kind of commitment and stay the same. I imagine that all that I can be looks a whole lot different than who I’m being now. So there you have it. Now I’m gonna have to do stuff. I’m not sad. I signed up for this course (It’s called Feminine Power and it’s taught by Claire Zammit by the way). I had taken this course before, but I didn’t fully participate in it the first time I took it. I definitely didn’t make that kind of commitment the first time I took the course, and if I’ve being honest, I must say that I’ve never made a commitment to anyone on that level, especially not myself…

So, I’m procrastinating. Because I’m horrified about the changes that will occur when I walk out of the door today. My life is kind of magical. The time lapse between me setting an intention and it happening in my life is usually not that long. So here I am, afraid of the massive change that is about to take place and sitting in my house blogging, instead of connecting with all of the people that I know I’m supposed to connect with today.

I have become used to me being here. Let’s just admit it. We get used to our shitty lives. And even though we want to change things, there is the fear. We don’t know what’s going to happen when things change. We know what’s happening in our lives now. We know what’s going to happen if we stay the same. We have figure out ways to deal with whatever misery we are in. We have even figured out ways to be happy sometimes without having to change. I am here. Yeah, I don’t have a man and I don’t have too many friends and some of my relationships with family aren’t the best and my health isn’t ideal and my money flow could be better and my professional life is on the border of a breakthrough but hasn’t crossed over yet, and my apartment still isn’t decorated like I want it and I need a new couch, and I never have sex, but so. So what? Tehee.

It’s not that bad. I have free time to muse and write blogs, I have enough food, I have at least one friend on the planet who I’m authentic with, I know how to make money when push comes to shove and pay the bills, nobody is breaking my heart at the moment so I’m not crying every day, and sometimes I’m happy, and sometimes I’m inspired, and sometimes I do good work and collaborate with other creatives and have the time of my life. Life is ok, I tell myself.

And the truth is, life is ok. It’s not that bad. But the other truth is, I’m not living out the potentials that I know I have for myself. The potentials that I feel are huge. And I’m so afraid to get out of my comfort zone and go for them all the way. Because it is safe here. Because I had been so hurt by life for so long, and I finally found a safe place right here in my little apartment, not having to interact with mean humans who might hurt me, not having to be disappointed by guys who might break my heart, not having to be judged or rejected, not having to worry about people not liking me just because I’m me, not having to protect myself from being used or manipulated, not having to play small because people close to me with be jealous or hurt if I’m my full-out self, not having to pretend that I believe what I don’t or that I don’t believe what I do. It is safe here where I can pray like I want, sing songs and burn sage in my apartment and not worry about anyone calling me weird or evil or whatever.

I am afraid to go back into the world where it is possible that people can hurt me. That is the truth, too.

I am afraid that if I live my destiny, then even more people will hate me than they do now. I’m afraid I won’t have any friends who aren’t frenemies. I’m afraid my mom won’t love me when she finds out who I am really am. I’m afraid my sibs won’t like me. On the one hand, I’m afraid that I won’t find a man if I’m too awesome, and on the other hand, I’m afraid that I will find a man and he will be so awesome and then I’ll be vulnerable and fall in love and he will break my heart. I’m afraid that people will try and steal my creative ideas and/or exploit my work and images like some people have already done.

I am afraid of so much, Allah, and this commitment that I made is going to force me to have to face every single one of these fears. Can I be honest and just admit that I’m not excited? I’m not feeling ferocious and strong. I’m feeling like a little kid who just has to go to school by himself on the first day, and I’m crying and cowering over here. I’m not always brave.

In my mind, I hear a voice ask, “How much do you want it?” How much do you want to live your destiny? I know, I started this blog just ‘cus I didn’t want to cry every day. I wasn’t talking ’bout no living no destiny. But what do you do when you stop crying every day? What’s next? I didn’t think about that part, but I guess You did, God. Do I really have something good to do with my life? Sometimes I think I do, but I am afraid to say it out loud.

You tell me that I am afraid of so much. I know. I know… What are we gonna do about it? I can’t sit in this apartment looking out at the sunshine through my windows forever, but oh, Allah, do You know how much pain I’ve seen? My life has been a bit much for a little sensitive girl like me. Will You keep me safe? I am afraid…

And You say nothing to me… Instead, my body tingles and I know it is time to stop procrastinating. I know I will choose to get up. I know that there is something in me that is deeper than my fears. I know that if I allow You, Allah, You will make this part easier than I can imagine. My mind wants to lash out and say, “no… but… if… and…” but I know that there is a part of me that is greater than my mind, and this is the part that I must lean into. I won’t even denigrate this part by calling it spirit or soul or intuition or any of that. It is greater than all of that, and honestly, I don’t even know what it’s called. I just know that it exists.

So I’m gonna get off this blog. I am going to trust that the part of me that I can not name will provide what is needed so that I may be safe as I embark on the greatest adventure of my life, the adventure of realizing my destiny. I am going to trust in this even though I am scared out of my freaking mind. I’m not even gonna say I’m not gonna obsess anymore. I might still obsess and worry. But I’m gonna show up anyway. I’m gonna do the work anyway. I guess that’s what commitment means.

Me and my previously commitment-phobic behind are going to commit to something. Nope, we couldn’t ease into this commitment thing with something small, like committing to eating a green leaf every day. We had to start big, talking about transforming our entire life and all. Never really thought I was worth shit, and now I am going to have to believe that my life is worth something, that I am worth something, that I have something to offer…

So here we go again. Commitment is the word of the day, You say. It will see me through to the other side. Ok. Commitment, my previous arch enemy, I’m turning towards you now. You’ve been trying to help me all this time, and I thought you were trying to trap me. I’m sorry. I’m turning towards you now. I’m turning towards… Ameen.

Day 486
Commitment (My New Best Friend)

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