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Day 485 – Make It Up (The Rebuild)

October 31, 2017

Had a lovely dream last night. Don’t remember all of it. I had a baby. It was weird. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, then one of my sisters told me I was pregnant. I was ok with being pregnant. Then I asked when’s the baby coming, and someone brought a baby to me, and said it was mine. Said someone else had gone through labor for me. They handed me this beautiful baby girl with bright eyes. The father was this sexy guy. Just prior to me finding out that I was pregnant, me and Mr. sexy had been talking about whether or not we wanted to be together. When I woke up, me and my baby daddy still hadn’t decided whether or not we were going to be a couple and parent this kid together. But we were ok. We were ok with having a baby. It was a good thing. It was weird going around with a baby in my arms, being a part of the sacred hood called mother. People looked at me different. The only thing I missed is that I had wanted to go through the experience of labor and delivery…

I know weird. It was one of those dreams that, when you wake up, you feel like the dream meant something. I woke up, and I was in the middle of being asleep and being awake, and the thought “make it up” came to me. “Make it up” is the tagline on my writing business cards. It came to me that this is what I have to do now. With this part of my life. Make it up.

I am here in an apartment that looks like a box in the middle of LA. It’s crazy because I have absolutely no drama in my life for the first time I can remember. I don’t think I’ve felt this way since before I was 11 and I had my traumatic first kiss. There are no fires to put out. There is no toxic relationship pushing me to and fro. Family ties aren’t the best, but I’m ok with them as they are for now. Health and money aren’t the best, but they are good enough for now. I’m not worried about survival issues. I will survive and pay bills and eat somehow someway always, as long as I’m alive. I know this.

But now what? Where do we go from here? This box apartment is lame now. I want to be a part of the world. I want to be connected to the world. We don’t learn how to make a life. Most of us just make do with the life that was given to us – our culture, our family, our place where we’re born. But if you break away from that, which I did, then what? Us women are taught to latch on to some man and build from there, go where he wants to go, do what he wants to do…

I don’t know. I’m not scared. I’m a bit inspired, but I don’t know, you know? How do I dream, Allah? How do I build this part of my life? Where do I go? I don’t know much. All I know is that I can’t stay in this apartment in this way by myself anymore. This just won’t do anymore. My heart is craving Love. My heart is yearning to love and be loved. I am yearning to care for someone deeply. I am yearning to know joy and truth in an experiential way. I am wanting to take my rightful place in the world and know where I belong. I am needing to belong, not out of desperation, not just linking with bodies to have bodies around. I am needing to belong where I belong. For true.

So I’m just sharing. One of my daily affirmations states, “Loving trust of oneself to provide what is needed helps to create the circumstances through which that result is virtually guaranteed.” It’s from the book Oneness by Rasha.

It is time to do the work. The harvest has come in, and now it’s time to decide what to do with the fruit. I remember my magical ex, Dream Lover. His life was a fairytale of made up things. He couldn’t figure out Love. He couldn’t figure out how to be vulnerable and trust in Love, but he was so good at imagining and making up everything else. And he made up songs, and beautiful places to live, and wonderful food dishes…

I’m going to take my feet and step back out into the world now, Lord. I want to build a life that is good and holy. That is my heart’s yearning. I know You will guide me one step at a time. I wonder what will happen. I wonder what picture will emerge as I start to use the paintbrush of my imagination. Here we go. Here’s to a good life, an extraordinary life, a life where dreams comes true are normal and everything I have to give is given… Abracadabra! Abracadabra….


Day 485
Make It Up (The Rebuild)

  1. AMAZING!! ✨🙏❤️

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