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Day 484 – Worse Than Alone (Tarrying in the Mud)

October 26, 2017

At my sister’s place. LA. In my feelings. Helping her move-out, but right now I’m waiting on a friend to come from out of town. Airport pickup is in 2 hrs and 15 min, so I’m trying to figure out what I can do in the next 1hr and 45 before I leave to get him.

He’s my best friend. I call him Wings. He always comes to help when I am falling. I help him, too. I am blessed to have him. Someone outside is smoking and soon my clothes will smell like smoke. Either that or close the windows and be hot and stuffed up… I put a face mask on…

Maybe I will ask my friend to live with me. Maybe I will ask him to stay. I am tired of doing it alone. He’s coming because I was falling. For the past two weeks, I have been falling hard. Don’t quite know how it happened. I slipped and fell into a vortex – another world. I world I have been in before; I have lived in before, but I had gotten out of it and been out of it for at least three months. I had (finally) begun to live the life I had always dreamed of, but in the past two weeks, I fell…

It started when I came back to LA at the beginning of this month. An old friend of mine (I’ll call him Vamps b/c he sucks all my energy and has no front teeth) saw an opportunity to try and be a part of my life, and made himself constantly present, showing up with breakfast, inviting me to lunch, offering to pay for stuff, calling in the morning and the night. I know him. I’ve known him for years and I know how he operates, and in the past couple of years, I haven’t accepted any of his invitations, because I know that if I hang with him one-on-one, it’s going to end up with him trying to be romantically involved with me. When I came back to LA at the beginning of October, though, I was afraid. I was afraid of being alone. I had had such an amazing August and September, and I was afraid of coming back to my apartment by myself. I was afraid of coming back to my lonely life after I had experienced how amazing life could be when there are cool, loving people who you are in harmony with in your life… So, when Vamps made his invites, I said yes.

For about a week, Vamps called and/or showed up every day. Then my friend Wings came into town for a quick visit. Wings has a way of pushing men and mean people away from me. So for the few days that Wings was around, Vamps wasn’t. But then Wings left. And I was sad to see him go. And right after he left, I got recruited to do a huge move-out project and my car broke down on the first day. My AAA and insurance had also expired on that day. And I had a presentation due that night and I was supposed to edit a document for my mom on that night, too. Like magic, Vamps called me and asked me if I needed his help with anything. He hung out with me for about 9 hours as we took my car to the shop, stopped by the move-out location, went to Western Union to send out money, and finally ended up at my place. Before the night was over, he tried to hit on me and make me his girl.

That was two weeks ago. That was the beginning of the fall. My back started tingling, and the tingling has only started to subside today. My muscles started hurting, and I became very sad. Between then and now, two other men from my past have proposed to me. Literally. Proposed. Asked me what the eff is wrong with me and why won’t I marry them. I couldn’t ask my two out of three female friends for help with anything b/c their mad at me for not doing for them what they would never fathom doing for me…

Tired of whining. Suffice it to say that I was drowning fast and deep. The men didn’t want to help me unless I let them hold me hostage and women were just bogus always asking for shit that they’re not willing to give. I had one female friend who is ride or die, but her life is so hectic that I don’t want to ask her for help. She needs my help…

My neighbor offered to help with stuff but didn’t. Instead, he took the opportunity to try and manipulate me and at the same time try to be with me. I’m laughing right now. That man can’t figure me out for the life of him. He is always so busy trying to play tricks. He’s a kindergarten trickster. He has no idea that I am the daughter of a con artist and my first love was a mastermind trickster. I smell tricks miles away… They make me sad these days.

Perhaps that is why I’ve been so low the past two weeks. I’ve been out of the land of tricks and manipulation – of meanness and people doing the least while trying to get the most. I’ve been around giving people and people who like me and want to be a part of my world just because they like me. They’re not mad at me for anything. They’re not resentful because I didn’t behave in a particular way. And I came back to LA and found myself alone. Found myself being pulled in all these different directions, none of which had anything to do with anything that is good for me, and found myself feeling like I have to fight again. All my life I’ve had to fight and I didn’t have much of a punch left in me.

That was yesterday. It is amazing what can happen overnight. My friend, Wings, told me that I was tarrying in the mud. He said that I don’t belong in the mud anymore. I understood. There are different worlds all around us. Even in one household, people can be living in starkly different realities. For a long time, I have been involved in relationships that are founded on manipulation, trickery, dysfunction, power plays, abuse, codependence, guilt. I have been close to people who literally can’t stand my guts and want to hurt or punish me for one reason or the other. My Love hasn’t been received openly and Love hasn’t been given to me openly. Maybe I wasn’t willing to receive it. For a long time, my heart has been broken and closed.

But it opened. Sometime in the past few months, my heart opened up, and I experienced a whole new world. I experienced a world I had only ever dreamed of, where people liked me and received me. There was no condition except that I be myself. No one was asking me to save them. No one was asking me to be with them or else. No one was mad at me for not being who they wanted me to be, and people were patient and understanding of me. And they allowed for me to be flawed and still loved me. And they didn’t try to use me or manipulate me. And I was safe in the world. I lived it. It was my dream. I was safe in the world at last.

And last week, with these men.. with these asshole friends… I wasn’t safe anymore. And it took me to a really low place. It was like I was under a spell. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t make decisions. My body was tingling nonstop. I was crying nonstop. I felt alone. I was scared to leave my apartment. I was scared that if I separated myself from the people in my life, then I would be alone. And there I found my greatest fear. All this time, I have been afraid to be alone. I have been afraid to not belong. This fear has held me hostage for most of my life and it was keeping me entangled with vampires, blood suckers, and usurious bastards.

My friend told me to choose. He told me that I couldn’t tarry in the mud anymore. I just couldn’t. But if I cut chords with people from my past, it would leave me alone. Alone. With a broken car maybe. Alone with no dinner companions. Alone with no one to obsess with or talk to or go to parks with… I looked alone in the eye. You see, I had been to heaven and I could see myself slipping back into the mud. And I just couldn’t go back to the mud anymore. So I looked alone in the eye, and I told it to come on! I was willing to be alone. I chose to have a good life, even it meant being alone. I yelled my choice out to the walls in my house.

And the spell was broken.

That was yesterday. Today I can think. I’m gonna go pick up my friend now. My friend came from out of town to help me out. I’m bragging a bit. But he makes me feel loved. I’m grateful. He’s texting me as I’m writing this blog. He’s early. Oh lawd! Gotta go.

There are worst things than being alone. Like tarrying in the mud…

Thanks for reading.


Day 484
Worse Than Alone (Tarrying in the Mud)

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