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Day 483 – The In-Between

September 22, 2017


So, I’ve written about four blog entries since my last one, but haven’t posted any of them. I’m kind of out of sorts. Not depressed or sad or mad or happy or any of those feelings. Out of it. Have a teleconference in 30 min. My first decently paid writing job. Helping someone rewrite a movie and we have a phone conference scheduled….

So I guess I have 30 min to spill my guts out and get centered some kind of way. They talk about this place – the place that I’m at – at my spiritual center. It’s like you are at the end of one way of being, but you are not quite at the beginning of the new way of being, and so you are in the in between, where nothing makes sense.

You are not motivated by the things that used to motivate you and the goals that used to focus you are no longer your goals. I asked God to take me back to the beginning, to the place I was at before I got programmed into having all the beliefs and goals I had. Nothing made sense anymore.

Right now I am in a big house that is owned by my sister – an MD who is married to an engineer and who has two lovely kids and a dog, and who is pregnant with her third child. This is the dream. She is living the American dream. And I asked myself, do I want to live this dream?

And I couldn’t say yes. Don’t get me wrong. It’s lovely. Money is lovely. And having a life partner is lovely. And kids are lovely if you want them. And working at the career you want is lovely. And living in a house that has enough space and that is near nature is lovely.

But I couldn’t get myself to sit down and pray for these things. I couldn’t get myself to sit down and pray for anything. It all seemed so silly to me. I didn’t know what to pray for. And then the idea of sitting and always asking and praying and working for more, more, more seemed silly, too. I saw us humans, including myself, as a bunch of little ants, just running to and fro, gathering mounds of dust, hating each other, envying each other, hating ourselves for all of the things that one didn’t do for another… And I became uninterested…

I am picking up the feelings of the people who live here, You whisper to my Soul, and I am grateful for this sudden revelation. This is an awakening that I’m experiencing. That is what it’s called. I am here, in the ant world, and I choose to be here as ant, but I am more than an ant as well.

You tell me that I am the guide, and these thoughts seem blasphemous to me. Who am in relationship to You? Who am I, God, and what am I doing here? Really. Who am I?

I am interested in giving now. I am interested in sharing. And I see that our world is not set up this way. Am I one of the people to usher in a new way of being? I would be honored to be this. Can you imagine the prophets and saints and teachers of our world? These are the parts of their lives that no one ever speaks of. They were not of their time. Do you know how lonely and confused they must have been? The things of their world did not make sense to them, and people hated them for their new way of being. People tried to kill them. Kill them! They shunned them because they couldn’t get with the program of the world they were in. Most of them died by the hands of the people they were trying to help, but oh, what mighty lives they lived!

I think I am here to help with something bigger than myself. I am a part of a mission greater than myself. I want to be who I am, Allah. I want to be who I am. I choose to be who I am. How do I know what to choose? How do I know what do next? How do I know what to focus on? How do I know where to live? Who to live with? How can I be the guide if You are the guide? “Finish what you started” is the only message that comes. And so I will. Thank You. Ameen.

Dy 483
The In-Between

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