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Day 482 – Ameen

September 10, 2017

My heart is full.

I’m sitting in a room. An instrumental lullaby plays from a little music player. On a bunkbed to my left, two small children, a five-year-old, and a 3-year-old, fall asleep. They are my niece and nephew. They are Love.

I am in Colorado. Visiting my sister. Becoming aware of how much Love I have been missing out on. My niece and nephew welcome me with open arms, unguarded. Nothing between us but love. They smile as big as they feel. They hug as deep as they feel. They play freely.

My sister has things like bedrooms and real furniture and a home that feels like people live here. And I am aware that my life must change. Very soon.

I have been missing out on all the good things. Dance camp. Now here. A home. Love. Openness. True openness. It’s different than just having people around. True openness where there is nothing but love between you and another. I have been missing out.

Thank You, Allah, for letting me come here. Thank you, Allah, for this past month of so much beauty and Love. Thank you for letting me see so many ways that we can be and live.

I guess we are here again. At another crossroads. My Life must change. I must change. I can’t go to dance camp and now here and then go back to the life I had. I will shrivel up and die, knowing now how good life can be.

I want to write about the nonsense and tomfoolery that has happened over the past month – I called the cops on a sub-letter and kicked them out because they said they were going to stay in my apartment and not pay me rent for a month… In the course of a week, I started flirting with and/or dating four different guys and ended it with all of them before the week was over. Met another guy I kind of liked, number five, but he was so mean, and I realized I don’t like mean guys anymore.

I used to like mean guys. Go figure. Used to be intrigued by their trickery, be compelled to see the good in them and try and exhume it – I didn’t even think of this consciously. I just used to be ok with assholes. Don’t take me out on a date? That’s ok. Forget a birthday? No problem. Cheat on me or have suspect behavior that makes me feel like shit? No worries. Only answer my calls sporadically and never when I need something? Don’t notice me? Don’t ever really ask me anything about anything that doesn’t concern you? Welcome, I would say. Let me save you. Let me show you how good you can be. Hurt me and don’t say sorry? Welcome was my word. Make shit hard just because you don’t believe in easy? Have no intention or plan to build anything with me? OK. I didn’t even used to notice, at least not consciously. I just want to say it out loud, OK? I used to be that girl. The girl who was so ok with bullshit. I’m not that girl anymore.

I’m not a girl anymore… I told mean guy number five he can’t be mean to me. He can’t hang out with me – he’s too mean. And it wasn’t a game. I didn’t say it so that he could come back and try to be nice. He needs some therapy or a life changing event before he can be nice to anyone. I said he can’t hang out with me and be mean to me, because it was about me. No one can hang out with me and be mean to me anymore. They just don’t get to do that to me. That sounds small when I write it, but it’s so huge to me. It’s so big for me to say, just like a little kid, “I’m not gonna be your friend if you’re mean. I only hang out with friends who are nice to me.”

We’ve been in the mud for a long time. A long, long time. But the sun has touched my skin recently. The sun is baptizing me. I was baptized by fire and renewed by water.

So much happens in our lives. Imagine, for most of us, at some point or another, someone sat with us while we slept and asked God, the world, the Earth, to bless us, just as I am sitting here with these sweet children, asking You, God, to bless them. Asking You to keep them safe. Asking You to let them not lose this Love that they have, and if they should lose it for a moment, let them come back home soon.

And for my life? For me, Allah, I am ready now. Tell me what I need to do. I will do it. I humbly surrender to Your will. I humbly align my heart and my will with my soul’s purpose here. I’ve been starving. Oh, I’ve been so many things. Now, I would like to be alive…


Day 482

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