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Day 481 – To Love and Forgive (My Mother)

September 2, 2017

What a day to be alive.

I am overflowing with gratitude. I am coming to understand something bigger than me, and what a day to be alive.

Love. Love is bigger than me. I don’t want to preach today. I don’t want to tell you about all of the rollercoasters that are always waiting to be ridden once I step outside of my house.

I want to mention, though, about my sub-letters, a brother and sister who had been living in my apartment since mid August and who were supposed to be staying in my apartment for the month of September and who decided to tell me on September 1 that they would indeed be living in my apartment, but they were not going to pay me to live there. -_-

I had quite an adventure figuring out what to do about them a couple days ago. But I did the right thing. In the midst of the drama, I prayed and I asked God what I should do. I asked what action would bring the highest possible results for everyone involved. And I did the right thing. I kicked their asses out.

Now I am sitting outside on the patio of my mom’s residence. Crickets are chirping. It’s 11:06pm. Mom and I talked today. Just talked and bonded. And I Love her like I never did before. I just love her. I know she’s not perfect. I know she’s got all kinds of issues and there are things that I don’t like about her personality, etc. But there are things that I Love about her. Like I Love how she will give her last dime to help people. I Love how giving she is. I Love that she’s really brilliant and wise and strong and she takes action on things. I love how she calls a spade a spade and can’t fake about things even when she tries. I Love my mother’s laugh, full of joy and delight. I Love my mother. And today, I let my mother love me.

She is not the story book mom that I would have drawn up in one of my imaginations. We have fought about so much for most of my life. Mostly, I have been fighting her for the right to be me, and not her, and she has been fighting to show me that being her is good. And today, some kind of way, we understood each other. We didn’t say it out loud. We talked about things – my friends, our different choices in life, the way I handled my subletting situation – but some kind of way, I felt like my mom was finally giving me permission to be me; and I think she felt that I was finally seeing that being her is good.

And we came to this place while she is alive, while I can still hug her, and not after someone had died and I’m writing a remorseful blog. We came to a place of Love and understanding. I Love my mother at last, and she Loves me.

There are parts of me that are such a little girl, and I am ok with them. I am ok today, and I am just so grateful to be ok.

I want to Love and forgive. That is what I want to do with my life. Love and forgive. And I’m ok with that…

That you, Allah. Ameen.

Day 481
To Love and Forgive (My Mother)

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