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Day 477 – When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)

July 16, 2017

So… I’m bored out of my mind. My phone rings from someone who is inevitably going to ask me to do something I don’t want to do or say something to chastise or guilt me because I’m not doing what they want…

I am feeling sad, but I want to write something good. Tough summer. First summer in a long time that I didn’t skip town or do anything that brings me much joy. Besides my brief week of summer Love with Phillip, this summer has been full of me being swept into my family vortex mostly and fighting for balance and stability in my mind and body.

Today I went to my spiritual center, and the sermon was beautiful. The speaker spoke about us giving our gifts to the world. For the past couple of years, I have been flooded with this philosophy of life. I’m sure there’s a name for it. Basically, the philosophy is that we all have a unique purpose and mission here on Earth, and our job here is to figure it out what that mission is, and then do it. Sounds easy. Also in this philosophy is the belief that you will discover your mission by being really honest about what your true dreams, gifts and capacities are. They also say that it is possible to have all of your needs met, to live your dream life and to be happy. They say that we humans are One, all connected to each other, and they understand the omnipresence of God to mean that God is not just a big man in the sky, but that God exists in every living thing, for He wouldn’t be omnipresent if he were not in humans as well. And he’s not a he. Or a she. Or an it. He’s a he and a she and an it.

The most disturbing thing about this philosophy is the belief that your dreams can come true. If you have been struggling for a while and around you, all you see is people who have given up on their dreams, tried and failed, or never even dared to dream them, and you are included in that bunch, then sometimes it is hard to really invest your time into trying to make a dream come true. Because you don’t really believe it will happen. So you focus on the things you know you can control: a job that pays bills, a relationship that is not necessarily fulfilling but at least keeps you from being alone, etc. etc.

So I am here. In Panera Bread… A friend is texting me. I don’t have so many friends, but I love the few that I have. They are loving, kind, strong people, and they have been here journeying with me, keeping me from drowning, and showering me with love when I need it. Today a friend is texting me, “You are always on my mind and holding space in prayer for you all the time. You are blessed.”

I guess that’s what I needed to hear right about now, before I write this blog down a deep, dark tunnel. Thank you, God. The truth of the matter is, I am in doubt. Not totally despairing, but doubting whether or not any of my dreams will come true. Doubting whether I’m really supposed to be a writer and whether any of my projects will ever see the light of day. Doubting if I’ll ever have this magical loving relationship that I dream of and kids. Wondering if I’ll do anything to help people around the world live their dream lives. Can’t even imagine living in a house somewhere surrounded by green things with loving, open people around. Can’t imagine success and joy. Questioning whether I should keep going down this path or just give up.

It has been hard, Allah. It has been hard to know that I will never have my mother’s approval if I choose to practice the spiritual path I really believe in. It has been hard being rejected and abandoned by men I love. Seeing and accepting things as they are has been hard for me. I have been lonely, even though I’m surrounded by people. I have the food and they eat, and that is fine, except I become depleted and it has been hard to find sources of nourishment that can feed me like I need.

So here we are. I knew the title of this blog before I started writing. I am in doubt, and I want to figure out what to do about it. I long for a very different experience of life, but I doubt whether I will be able to create and have it. And I don’t know what to do. This past month, I have literally been sitting with chattering teeth, shaky legs, headaches, so many tears and such pain and sadness from facing things. I guess there’s only three things to do when in doubt: move forward, move backwards, or stay still.

You made all of these promises, Allah, in your books and through your prophets and people, but what if they aren’t true? What if I follow my heart and spirit and end up like I’ve been ending up – rejected, abandoned, alone, hated on… in pain?

I think what you do when in doubt is choose. The only thing you ever can do is choose. I am a single woman. In my thirties. Living in the middle of one of the saddest cities in the world. I have a little money in the bank, a few degrees, a lot of different work skills, a cute shape, a loving heart, and a soothing voice.

What I am deciding in this moment is whether or not to finish and submit this project that could either change my life or make me feel like a failure again. I could finish this project or I could not… Truth of the matter is, the things we learn in my spiritual center sound too good to be true. I don’t believe them wholeheartedly, even though I want to. But I don’t believe that we are here on this Earth just to eek out a meagre existence and try not to die and learn how to cope with our pains either.

Here in Panera Bread, I am making a decision – again. How will I do it, God? What will I say when my mom tries to guilt me for not sacrificing my dreams to take care of someone who doesn’t need me? How will I make it through the loneliness and find the strength to get up and take action when I don’t know where it will lead? How will I believe?

And you say to me, take it slow. Let’s do this week, OK? I don’t have to believe. The thing is, I haven’t given up. I can choose to give up, but my stubborn heart won’t let me. If I’m going to be on this path, then commit and be on this path. That’s it. It the same message over and over. Choose and commit. So again, I choose. This week, take action. Take the actions that have been goading you. Take action. Make a plan. Implement. Take action. That’s it. You don’t have to believe. As you walk, you will see that it gets easier. So walk, my baby. Now is the time to have a new experience of life. Walk, my baby. Walk…

Day 477
When In Doubt (Choose, Commit, and Walk)

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