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Day 476 – Focus

July 7, 2017

I failed… I was supposed to finish a writing project by yesterday, but I didn’t. My writing bud finished her project.

I haven’t wanted to write. Haven’t been able to write. Been mad at writing. Been mad at me and mad at the world. Being pushed around in a vortex of things that have nothing to do with what I want. Perhaps I could change my perspective and make everything that has happened have everything to do with what I want, but that’s not the point.

If I’m being honest, everything that has happened is everything that was needed for me to grow. I’ve been a punk. Been being bullied by the will of the world, and yesterday, I realized that I have to put my own will into the equation or nothing will ever change.

So much has happened that I don’t even know where to start. I will start in the present. I am at home. In LA. In my apartment at a table in the corner. To my left, there are my wall windows with a view of some trees in the courtyard and the parking lot. To my right is my wall heater and a book shelf. I’m feeling crazy and I’m going to go and light some sage and light an incense before I continue writing…

Burnt the sage and incense and then got caught up on two phone calls before I came back to computer. Burning more sage and incense… OK. Back to my writing…

I am pushing through. There is a part of me that wants to get off this computer, curl up into a fetus position, burst out crying and call it a day. There is a part of me that wants to run out to the ocean and just keep running or find some man or some silliness to distract me so that I don’t have to feel all of the craziness that I’m feeling. And there is a part of me that wants to push through these feelings and do something good with my life.

I’m choosing the part that wants to do something good with my life, but it’s hard. My family thinks I’m selfish or that I’m crazy or that I’m whatever. I have been all caught up in my family vortex for almost a month, and to no one’s real benefit. I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about them, being with them, participating in, planning or orchestrating one event or the other, talking to them, giving rides, watching news or whatever with them. I come home trembling and crying. I don’t always even know the reason why.

I want them to approve of me. I want them to like me. I want them to say I am good. I want them to care about me and help me with things that are hard for me. But mostly they do not. Mostly they think that – no matter what is going on in my life – my life is easy and their life is hard and I should be the one doing the caring and helping…

I let my writing buddy down. I let myself down. I got caught up in this vortex, and now I am here, writing for the first time in a week.

Here is the pattern: life goes good, then get caught up in something. Family. Man. Money. Fear. Then get depressed and/or sick. Fall down. Stay down for a while. Repeat. This time, a new element has been added to the pattern. We are at the end of the fall down stay down for a while part, and i am thinking about the getting back up, but I don’t want to do these same things again. I don’t want to live this same pattern or this same life anymore…

I am grateful for a moment to escape the vortex and think my own thoughts, God. I will start with accepting what I don’t and do have. I went out into the world this past month with eyes open, and it was painful to see what all is there. I am a tough cookie, but my real self is a butterfly. I am both, and I can be strong when needed, but I long for a place where I don’t have to be strong. Where I can be soft and kindness will be given regardless. I long for a place where I can be open and people won’t use me because I am giving. I long for an experience of being seen and being held and being taken care of, even if I am undeserving. Because I know in the course of my lifetime, I must have done some things good. I know I am not perfect, but I also know that I am not a destroyer. I am a person who breaths life into others on purpose, and I went into the world hoping to find the experience of others who do the same. And I found it. And I didn’t. Mostly I found that the world was the same as it had always been, but I had never noticed the pain and the sadness that was so prevalent everywhere before… Mostly I noticed that I had grown a lot…

My family is texting me asking me what time I’m coming over to celebrate my niece’s birthday. Geez Louise… Do you know what I want to do? I want to sort myself out. I want to get my shit together. I don’t really want to be in the family vortex right now. It mostly takes me away from everything I want to do. Is that selfish? They are mad at me. For having free time. For spending my free time writing or doing whatever the heck I want to do instead of dedicating my life to hanging out with them or doing whatever they want to do. They don’t really believe that this writing thing I do is important. They don’t really believe that I’m going to make it. And I can’t blame them. They’ve never known anyone make it in the arts, and I’ve been doing this thing for a while and haven’t “made it” yet, so why would they believe that at some point I’m going to have a $500,000+ check for some random story that I made out of my head? Why would they believe that I could have any of the things I ever dreamed of when I’ve never had it?

I ask myself the same question and have to concede that I am slightly insane to believe that I could live a life that is so rare – a dream life. And I have to be real with myself. That’s what I’m doing now. That’s why I’m writing this blog. Because I am a middle aged woman with nothing but choice. OK. That’s the truth. I have a little money in a bank account, a car, an apartment in my name in LA, a writing power partner, two very supportive friends, one kind of supportive friend, an old Mac computer, and angels who come and go into my life. I have the family I was born into. Some of them are amazing. Some of them are assholes. Somehow I am deeply bound to all of them whether I like it or not.

Right now, I am torn between the desire to go and hang out with my niece, help make her birthday exciting and fun, and also see my sis and her baby and make them feel like I love them and they are important. I can do that, or I can stay home and sort my brain and all these feelings out, and clean up my apartment, and find a way to make some income next week and actually work on completing this potential $500,000 script. I can’t do both. But even as I write this blog, I feel a tingling in my hands and I feel guilty about not going towards my family and helping them.

And this has been bothering me. This thing that I’m supposed to be there for people has been bothering me, because I realize I can’t be there for them and finish my work in the time that I’ve planned to. Not now. Not with these particular people. And if I don’t finish my work in the time that I’ve planned my money will run out and I will have to go back into survival mode and pick any old job. And I’m not sure if I’ll have the willpower or the faith to focus on my dreams if I don’t do it now. Honestly, if I don’t do it now, while I have nothing distracting me but other people’s lives, I don’t think I’ll believe that I have what it takes to do it…

So here we are. With this long ass blog. And it is leading me somewhere, but it is up to me where it takes me. It can take me deep into depression or it can find the way out into something new. The ocean, the bed, or the unknown. These are my choices… Stopped writing and did one of my Feminine Power practices, one where you get in touch with what you’re feeling and what you need.

I choose to move forward into the unknown. I choose to move forward into a new experience of life. I’ve tasted it in Phillip’s hug. I’ve tasted it with some of my family members sometimes. I’ve tasted it in seminars and at certain people’s houses. I’ve felt it in Hawaii. I’ve seen it in others: a place of goodness and peace. A place of harmony. A place of safety and power. A place where there is no punishment for success and happiness. I know it exists, and I know that once I am there, I will help lift others up. That is what I’m here for, after all. But I’ve got to get there. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at happiness. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at peace. I’ve at least got to give myself a chance at health, and I know what to do.

What is needed is a refocusing, a realigning, and a choosing. My hands shake. I accept. This is where I am. Sometimes the help I want comes from the places I want it from, and sometimes pain comes from the places where I would have liked Love. I accept. Sometimes I am gifted in ways I couldn’t imagine. I accept. Sometimes I am a gift in ways I never tried to be. I accept. My jaw trembles and my teeth chatter. I accept. A healing is taking place, a breaking through. I accept. I am powerful. I accept. I am fragile. I accept. I am good and I am bad and sometimes none of it makes sense. I accept. I am connected to everything outside of me and I am responsible for everything inside of me. I accept.

Use wisdom now, You tell me through my friends. Sort yourself out. Accept what you have and don’t have. Choose and know that choosing one thing means not choosing another. Sometimes you can have both, but sometimes you can’t have rest and be active. Choose the choices needed to live your destiny. Choose to live your destiny. Now you focus on you. Focus on you. Focus on you. Not selfish. Focus. Different. Focus. Communicate. Some will understand. Some will not. Some will help. Some will hate. Focus. Do not judge them for the role they play. Focus. Allow. Accept. Surrender. Focus. Do you see the place where peace exists? Can you feel it even now? Focus, communicate and let it go. Now, with Me, hand in hand, we plan the next steps and we take them. Plan and walk. That is our way for now. Plan and walk. Plan and walk. And focus. Things will come your way. Discern. You must be a wise one now, for you are a wise one now. Plan and walk and focus. And goodness and mercy shall follow you all the days of your life. And you shall dwell in My house forever… Ameen.

Day 476

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