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Day 475 – The Road Forward (Choose)

June 12, 2017

It occurs to me that the world does not stop turning, even if you stop moving, and if you stop moving and the world is still turning, you are in fact moving backwards…

These days have been moving fast, and I have been being pushed along with them. There are many tears in me still. Some of them, I don’t even know why they come. But they don’t feel so sad and heavy like they used to. Isn’t it funny that people cry when they are happy and also when they are sad?

These tears are not happy or sad. They are movement tears. I don’t have words for them, but they feel like a release.

So many things have happened in these past few weeks that I don’t even know what to hone in on. Two teenagers, my niece and nephew are coming into town today and they will bring their beautiful innocence and hope with them… What do you, feel, my Inner Voice asks, and I feel hope and Love and a bit of grief. What do you need, It asks, and I need hope and Love.

I’m not quite confused. I don’t know what this feeling is that I’m having. I don’t know where this place is that I’m at. I’ve never been here before. But that if I write it down, I will figure it out.

What is happening is movement. Not completely, but I scrubbed the walls that I’ve been meaning to scrub for years. I scrubbed the floors. I washed the clothes and the curtains and the cabinet linings. There’s more to do, but this little bit was monumental for me, because I’ve been wanting to do it for a long time. I finished braiding my hair. Finished the last module in my Feminine Power course. Saw My Kind on the street this weekend. Spent time with an old friend. Spent time with mom and family. Was supposed to meet up with a friend who always flakes on me to talk about how he always flakes on me, but he flaked on the meeting after having me walk through pissy smells and homeless people to meet him at a train station that he wasn’t at. It’s kind of funny when I write it. My flaky friend flaked on the meeting we were supposed to have about his flakiness. Hehe. Had a conversation with Phillip, wherein he told me (again) that he’s going through so much stuff in his life and is unavailable for any kind of romantic relationship and he’s sorry for hanging out with me this past month because he shouldn’t have even spent any time with me, knowing that he’s unavailable for a relationship. -_-

I’m just that awesome that he couldn’t resist my company… -_-

I think that is what I’m thinking about most. Phillip and My Kind. And my writing. I’ve been going strong. Over 25 days of consistent progress on my projects. Life possible. Writing possible. Had another convo with a friend who wants me to go into business with her. That’s another blog entry, though.

In my mind, I see a road moving forward. And then I see all these things on the side. Phillip and My Kind and some of my relationships are on the side. It’s not that they’re good or bad. It’s just that they are on the side, you see. They are ok to stop and chat with for a time, but they are not on the road that goes where I want to go.

It dawned on me that all of these painful relationships are silly now. That I know better now. It is entirely possible to just meet a good man who is available and who just likes me exactly as I am, who champions me and helps me in the areas where I am weak instead of criticizing me and leaving me to die. It is entirely possible to be held and lifted and loved by someone who wants to do exactly that for me. It is entirely possible to meet someone who is open to receiving the gifts I have to give and who appreciates those things. It is entirely possible that there is some man on this planet who makes me feel better when I’m with him, and I make him feel better when he’s with me. I know these things are possible and all of the other things are just silly now. Once upon a time, I didn’t know. I was so caught up in so much pain that I couldn’t see what was good for me. I didn’t believe that I could have any of the things I dreamed of, and I was so alone… I didn’t know that I had power. I had the power to create things and have a say in how I would like things to go. They don’t teach women these things… And once upon a time, not too long ago, I didn’t know that good things were possible for me.

But I know it now. And knowing it, I have to do life different… I knew I’d get to the point of this blog eventually. The point is, I know better now. I know better than to be engaging with some guy who has told me in no uncertain terms that he ain’t looking for no woman… I know better than to let sad things sit in my heart too long without addressing them. It’s time to integrate all of this stuff I’ve been learning over the years. I know better…

A man from my past is texting me as I type this blog. Random. Met him over seven years ago. Went out on a few dates. Found out he was on drugs, heavy. Disqualified. Ran into him randomly the other day as I was driving in my mom’s neighborhood. He’s not on drugs anymore. Go figure. Now he’s texting me telling me that he got some new clothes so that he can look presentable when we meet up… Random.

But I see You, God. The truth of the matter is, Love shouldn’t be that hard. It just shouldn’t. It isn’t. We are so afraid of so many good things. We are so afraid of being hurt, and so we hold back our love, manipulate, lie, aren’t present, don’t give, guard our hearts, do so many silly things to the ones we love, aren’t there for each other, don’t support one another… And we put up with so much shit. Giving pearls to swine. I finally understand that term. Offering our lives and hearts to ones who never said or showed that they would take good care of us. I am guilty of it all. Being the perpetrator and the victim.

But now I know better. I just do. And what I know is that we don’t control much, but we do have a choice on some things. And we can choose: forward or backwards. Love or not Love. Move or stay still. Open or close. Circle or line. Create or destroy. Take responsibility or give away power. We can choose these things. Avoid or confront. Move forward. Move forward. Move forward… Towards your real dreams. Not someone else’s dream for you. Your own dream. You can have it. It may take some time. It may take some work. And I am telling you before having anything, but I have some things. I have tears that do not hurt for once in my life. I have a clear mind for once and I didn’t always have this. I have a clean apartment. It’s small but it’s huge. I have my sense of self back. I have my spirit in my body. And I have hope and Love in my belly, the very things I need to take my next step.

Move forward… You can have your dreams. You can choose.

Day 475
The Road Forward (Choose)

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