Day 474 – The Beautiful Things

Sometimes, like now, You remind me that life is good even when it doesn’t look that way.

We have been riding this wave, mostly struggling to stay on top of the water, sometimes almost drowning, on occasion swimming, and on blessed moments floating on our backs like we do in Hawaii, letting ourselves be carried easily by You.

And You remind me, on days like today, that as long as we are alive, there is hope and life can be good.

I met with my writing bud today. She is actually my power partner. First of all, she is a she. Anyone who knows me knows that most of my friends are he’s. But I’ve been trying really hard to make some she friends. And for the past few months, I’ve been looking for a power partner. A power partner is someone who stands with you and helps you move forward on an understood vision for your life. It is a reciprocal relationship wherein the two of you provide tangible support, encouragement and feedback to one another. The foundation of these kinds of relationships has to be harmony. You can’t have any bad energy towards one another. Also, you must be at a similar place in life. I’m not talking about your socioeconomic status, but I’m talking about the level of commitment you are willing and able to make. The two of you must be willing and able to commit to take the necessary actions that will lead you towards the having and the becoming of your vision.

So I took this Feminine Power course. I started it months ago. And the part of the course that really resonated with me the most was this concept of having a power partner. My lonely behind had been going it all alone, and I was really excited about the prospect of having someone on my team and having someone who would actually accept my support without resenting me for helping them.

I reached out to friends. I reached out to family. I reached out to men. But folks were either not willing or not able to do the power partner thing. They’d either say no, or they’d say yes and then not answer my phone calls, or cancel meet ups, or not do whatever work we were supposed to do, or make the relationship one-sided, as in I help them with everything and then when I start talking or needing help, they aren’t there… One professional lady that I reached out to just flat out ignored my request for some months…

I gave up on the power partner idea, and reached out for a writing bud instead. I just put an ad on one of my social media groups saying that I was looking for a writing partner. And I met this lady. I wrote about her before. She’s awesome. I mean, she’s a flawed human being like all of us, but she’s awesome to me.

Today she treated me to lunch. And do you know why? We had made this 21 day writing commitment and both of us were doing really well. And yesterday she said she wanted to treat me to lunch to show her appreciation for me being so supportive. I hadn’t done anything unusual. I had done the normal type of stuff that I do with most of my relationships: share resources, help where I can, give feedback. But I do believe that I can count on one hand the number of times that anyone has done anything for me to show their appreciation for me just being me and doing the things I do naturally. Mostly people criticize me and ask me why I’m not doing or being something more…

It was a good feeling. It was an awesome feeling. At our lunch meeting, we talked about next steps for our writing progress, and then I realized it. She is my power partner. We have the dynamic and are doing everything that power partners do. And I am excited to not be alone in this, Allah.

It has been lonely being me. I didn’t even realize it, but I have been lonely. Don’t get me wrong, I am always surrounded by people. I have a huge family and enough friends, but I had been missing a thing that I didn’t even know I was missing.

In most of my relationships, there is a harshness, a wall, something disingenuous, some unresolved gripe that no one will tell me about, a guardedness, a pull… someone wanting me to be or do something I’m not being or doing and resenting me for it.

This feeling – the feeling of being appreciated and valued just because I do what I do naturally; someone expressing that to me and not coupling it with a frown or an attack on the way I eat or a request for me to do something I don’t want to do; someone encouraging me to do better and believing that I can and will without criticism; someone asking what I need and being willing to help when they find out the answer; someone not competing with me and wanting to offer something to my life and being able to offer; someone not resenting me or feeling bad or jealous when I do well… a female especially??? This is new stuff.

And I’m grateful for it.

So many other things have happened since my last entry. My Phillip love has gone back to the crazy land of being unavailable to have any of the things he wants. We talked. He told me his life was a wreck and that he was in no position to court a woman the way he would want to court a woman. He told me he kept his distance from me because he didn’t want to hurt me. I wanted to say, “No! You can be available right now. Just decide to be. You won’t hurt me.” Or I wanted to find all the ways I could to convince him to be a part of my life here and now. But I didn’t. I decided that maybe he was unavailable, or maybe he was just unavailable to me, and the right woman would open up his heart and mind and the right man would recognize me as the right woman for him.

I cried. He was so beautiful. If I’m being honest, I do believe I saw him in a dream some years ago. He didn’t give me enough or receive enough from me for me to miss him, but I miss the idea that he incited. I miss the energy that he aroused. This concept of man and woman bringing each other alive had been dormant in me before he hugged me. In his hug, I understood that somewhere on the planet, there is a species of men that actually intend to protect women and offer us safe arms. I felt it. I felt his intention. It was such a short moment, but it was real. And just like today, it was something I’d only ever dreamed of, but hadn’t experienced much as an adult.

And I am amazed and humbled by all of the beautiful things in life that I am just beginning to experience and know about. And I am grateful for this glimpse into another world, this respite that you have given me, Allah. I am so grateful.

Ameen.

Day 474
The Beautiful Things