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Day 63 – Open Up

November 1, 2011

Good morning. It’s early morning. That good time before people wake up and remember what their lives are about.

I’m feeling really peaceful. My runaway Dream Lover called me this weekend and brainwashed me with his magic words. It seemed different this time, magic seemed possible and his words didn’t put me in a state of debilitating desperation and fear,  so we’ll see…

This weekend was so wonderful. I got a quick glimpse of life on the other side of happy and I realize that I’m almost there. The speaker at my spiritual center asked  us, “Are you willing to be so great that people might be jealous of you?” I said yes even though I didn’t mean it completely. I’m going to keep saying it. Today I feel like running through these changes instead of strolling. There’s a fire in my feet!

So this weekend, I spent time with an ex-boyfriend of mine. We had a really good time. Deep conversation. He asked me in so many words why I don’t just get with someone instead of waiting for my “knight in shining armor”. I told him that my knight in shining armor was coming, and I actually felt sure about it when I said it…

Later in the weekend I was feeling low because I still had my runaway love on my heart, and I didn’t know how to get him off. Everyone else had just fallen off one way or the other and I had become OK with the thought that I would never be with them, but this one… he was in so deep and I didn’t know what to do about him. So I did what I do when I don’t know what to do. I prayed. I prayed and I told God that I was willing to release him. For the first time, I said that I was willing to accept the fact that he might not be my husband. I was willing to let go of him and accept whatever God had for me. I was sitting in my car in front of a park and literally as I was praying, he called.

It had been several months since I heard from him, but there he was, the same but different… We talked. Like friends. We hadn’t talked that way in quite some time. We laughed. He poured his heart out and his thoughts about me sounded just like my thoughts about him. I thought, “Wow. He’s just as looney as me,”  but I didn’t tell him that, because he’s just as sensitive as me too…

My sisters say don’t give him another chance. He doesn’t deserve my Love. He did this and that and didn’t do the other. But I don’t know if Love works like that, on a merit scale. I think sometimes Love chooses you, instead of you choosing it… So, I don’t really care what he did. I know I’m supposed to, and I can make myself all angry and stuff, but I actually really don’t care. He could have been off divorcing his secret wives and it wouldn’t really matter. I forgive him. I was over here releasing my secret loves while all the while telling him I was ready, so it’s OK if his ambitions got ahead of his actions and he spoke too soon. We are not perfect. What is important to me is what he is trying to create now. That is where life starts. Now. That is where Love starts. In your conscious, sincere intention. I remember a line in Jerry McGuire, so beautiful. “I Love him for the man he wants to be. I Love him for the man he almost is.” It is true. We are always evolving, if we want to.

This is how I know I am ready. I choose to be ready, not just for love, but for life. I choose it with all of my heart, I trust in it, and I am committed to it,  so there is no way I can be hurt now. I know I sound crazy, but I understand it now. I am interested in doing only what’s best for me and what is best for me is that I be with someone who helps my heart rest and my womb sing. What is best for me is that I be with someone who treats me like a Queen and honors me, someone who puts me first and someone who proves himself trustworthy, so that my heart and my body will feel safe with him. What is best for me is that I be with a man who knows how to navigate the world, or is at least interested in learning, so that I feel like I have a capable partner. A man who I can pray with, go to the club with, pick up and go anywhere with, and raise happy children with is what is good for me; someone who can get along with my family and someone who will forgive me again and again (for real) when I do things to upset him. Someone who will give me second and third chances to become a new woman over and over again. What is best for me is that I be with a man who trusts God. My brother was right after all. A smart, strong, and brave man. A man who is not afraid of gangsters anywhere in the world.

This man is the kind of man that makes me want to get up in the morning and do some yoga. This is the man that makes me want to write poetry and be strong. It’s important, you know, that we wake up next to someone who helps us to be our best… My runaway man says he’s all that and a bag of chips. He’s pretty bold and funny… I’ve finally learned something in all my man wars, so I tell him to put his money where his mouth is. I am only going to do what is best for me. He says he will and he is, so OK. I give him the opportunity to be different this time around. I think he’s strong, so I know he can be the man he wants to be, so I’ll hold that space for him. That’s what people do when they Love you. Wow. I am actually making a clear-minded non-desperate decision to Love a man on purpose and be committed to him. I haven’t told him all of this yet, but I am building a nest in myself, for him or whoever fits the above description, but for now, its him unless God inspires me another way. I’ll be that woman who they talk about for forgiving again and again. It’s OK. He can’t hurt me anymore. I have learned to trust in God and not in men and so I trust that God will lead me the right way as long as I walk in the direction that I am led. Let Love come as it will, through whom it will. I am open. I am open. I am open… Ameen.

Day 63

Open Up

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