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Day 57 – Deal With It

October 18, 2011

So, I wrote a very long blog this weekend. I just looked at my page and see that it wasn’t published. I don’t know what happened to it, but I guess it just didn’t make it. Oh well..

Can I talk to you for minute? I am having a moment. I’ve been talking to a lot of people who are having a lot of negative relationship issues, and that, along with my own stuff, has got me feeling a little down.

I got dumped the other day, and this is new for me. I never get dumped. Well, technically I didn’t get dumped because I wasn’t in a relationship, but this guy I was hanging out with gave me an ultimatum: either I take our relationship to the next level or keep it stepping. I was like, what? I don’t understand. When we initially met, he didn’t want anything. Just wanted to “go with the flow”, “see what happens”, etc.  Now all of a sudden he wants me to cook for him and only him and call him special. Sigh… I wasn’t feeling like cooking for him or putting him in that special boyfriend space, but I liked spending time with him. He wasn’t feeling the friendship thing, so I’m keeping it stepping, but wow.  It kind of hurts. At least I know that my heart still works…

Another one of my friends dumped me the other day, too, for similar reasons… It’s ok, I guess. Sigh…

So tonight I’m sitting up and I’m writing because something hurts. I mean, I said I wanted a man and I didn’t want to be hanging around with a bunch of guys that liked me if I didn’t like them like that, but it’s easier said than done, because I don’t have a man right now, and I’d like to share love with someone…

So what to do? I could continue to meet new guys that I know it won’t go anywhere with, hang out until they pressure me for a commitment and then dump me when I won’t make one, and then do it all over again with another guy, or I can do something different… But what?

I just took a moment to sit still. It helps. I see that it is good that my friends dumped me. They are helping me to be in alignment with what I said I was going to do: only date folks that I think I can mate… It’s easier to do in theory. At times I become afraid. Afraid that I’m going to be this wildly successful woman with no man and no children. Afraid that maybe something is wrong with me. Afraid that I am engaging in wishful thinking and I should do like most people and pick someone that I can get along with. Forget about the magic.

The problem with forgetting about the magic is that when you forget about the magic, you forget about the magic. I have tried to pretend that there is nothing magical about life for a long time and at times I have forgotten, but my heart just won’t let me, so call me weird, call me different, strange, unique, crazy, whatever. I have to be who I am.

So I’m going to sit this one out. I mean, I’m going to stop trying to talk myself out of what I am experiencing. It hurts. To want a thing and not have it at the time that you want it. It’s scary. To know that you may never have what you seek. It’s downright paralyzing. To think that you may refuse men who you don’t feel “connected” to, do all the praying in the world, lose or gain weight, clean up your house, finish your projects, keep an open space, and still not end up in a satisfying relationship.

But what other options do I have? Continue doing what I’ve been doing? It’s not working… So, I know what I’m going to do now. I’m going to deal with it. I’m going to sit with the pain of not having the life of my dreams right now. I’m going to face my fear dead in it’s big, empty eye. Maybe I will never have what I seek. I am going to do everything that I never did because I thought it might not amount to anything: I’m not going to hang out with folks I don’t feel connected to. I’m going to pray, stay in shape, clean my house, finish my projects and keep an open space in my heart. Why not? I’ve never done it before, you see. I’ve talked about it. I’ve read about it. But I’ve never been about it.

Sh*t is scary sometimes. Sometimes you cry. Sometimes you don’t know how it will all end up, and if you make a major change in your life, there might be some chaos in the meantime. You might find yourself alone for a while. Deal with it. Just deal with it

This I know to be true. Anything is possible. God is for me and not against me. I am stronger than I think I am. Help is everywhere and I am Loving and Lovable. Knowing this, I can handle the rest.

Day 57

Deal With It.

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