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Day 56 – Do What’s Good For You

October 12, 2011

I have a lot on my mind today, so not quite sure if I want to write about my personal life or other things.

Changes are taking place. Decisions to be made. I finished my script. I have to decide if I’m going to go out of the country in the near future and make some quick plans if I am (or even if I’m not). I’m going on a date with a new guy today, the first new guy I’ve been out with in six months. My ex who I dreamed of actually contacted me shortly after I had that dream of him. I hadn’t heard from him in years but he emailed me and let me know that he is shacking with his baby mamma, they have a new child together, and he wants me to get back with him so he can live again… That doesn’t even sound right as I’m writing it.

When I was younger, my brother used to tell me that if I wanted to find a good man, I had to stop hanging with all my guy friends. I actually understand that today. The truth is, I had to stop hanging with all my guy friends who were trying to be more than friends. There’s too much mixing going on and you just end up mixed up.

I can’t imagine trying to get with a guy so that I can save him from the unhappy relationship he is in and maybe win him over from another woman who probably smells like him because they have been so intimately involved. Why would I do that? Why would anyone do that? I’m a little embarrassed to say that I have done similar things before. Why?…

Our mothers tried, but they could not teach us a thing that they didn’t know: how to pick good men and sustain healthy relationships. They taught us to be strong women. They told us all of the evil tricks men play in the hopes that they could protect us from getting hurt. But we never learned how to pick out the good ones and decide what types of relationships we are trying to create. We never learned how to trust our bodies and honor our instincts. We never learned to take time to know what makes us live. We had never really seen healthy relationships, so we thought there was no such thing as a good thing. Well, we didn’t think it, but we felt it.

Now here I am trying to relearn everything. In my silence and in my non-relating to men, I have become comfortable with the feeling of a clear conscience. I know what it feels like to feel good now, and so it is easy for me to recognize when I am not feeling that way. It is easy for me to tell if a man has my best interest at heart and I am learning, oh my God, to be patient and only to engage in relationships that are mutually beneficial or at least not detrimental. As a friend of mine stated, “if you can’t lift another person up, don’t let them bring you down.”

We never learned to ask the simple question, “is this good for me?”. Well, we asked it. We knew certain things weren’t good for us, but we didn’t think we could do any better, and so we told our inner voices to shut up, and we did what was bad for us. We kept telling our inner voice to shut up so that we could “get by” in the world and one day it actually did.

But your inner voice never stays quiet. So now, my ex is contacting me because his heart itches and it wants to love. I am glad he is coming back alive. But now I have to ask that simple question that I have come to love, the question that changes your life when you ask it and act on the answer. Is this good for me?

Have a beautiful day.

Day 56

Do What’s Good For You

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