I’m doing something different. Because I choose to live. Again. Yesterday, I had a conversation that had me feeling dysregulated for about 24 hours. And here we are now. I was going to write about the conversation and write about my current life and all my woes and the debilitating fear that has been paralyzing me from taking action. And grief. Suffice it to say that it all has been written about in these five sentences already.
And I’d like to do something different. Commit. Dig in. I am at a crossroads. I need a new home. I need a new life. I am deciding in this very moment that I will show up for myself till the very end. Starting over from scratch at my age is the most challenging thing I’ve ever done. My old life burned down. And I don’t want it back. And so, instead of lamenting the ashes and telling you all about the ghosts that have been visiting me and that I have been revisiting, I will speak about building.
How to build a new life. In what ways can I do this? It will have to be on purpose. I will need some friends. I will need some love. I will need new habits. I will have to give my all. Nothing less than 100% will get me where I’m going. I ask for your guidance, Allah. I ask for your mercy. And you say I have it. And for this blog entry, I will speak on how. Gratitude. Life is about pain but pain is not about me. Pain is about the awakening of my God magnificence, says my teacher on mysticism.
And so, let’s awaken. Let’s be one of those people who turn it all around or at least give it a good try. The best try. The thing is, everything is hard. Being poor is hard. Being rich is hard. Might as well be rich. And grateful.
On this auspicious evening, I give thanks for a computer that works. I give thanks for free internet. I give thanks for my alma mater, which gives me access to use their free internet 24/7. I give thanks for these new thoughts that have instantly changed and uplifted my perspective. I give thanks for a brain that works. I give thanks for energy in my body that allows me to stay up late and get out of a car to fight for my sweet life. I thank you, Allah, for my mom. Because I could hate her or love her. She did her best. She’s doing her best. Just let it be good enough. Just let her be good enough. I give that to her. I allow her to be good enough at last. I thank you for my broken open heart that can finally feel the truth. I thank you for my friends. I allow them to be good enough as well. For their hospitality, care and camaraderie that has kept me alive all these years. My sweet sisters. I thank you for their love. I thank you for the ones who check on me and look at me with adoration, making me feel like I at least did some things right in life. Thank you for the sweet messages from my old community today. Thank you for my old community for giving me an experience of community. Thank you for giving me an experience of being my true, authentic, honest self and being accepted just as I am. I will never forget the experience I had in community. I will never forget that it is possible to be my whole self, even ugly and flawed, and still have people love me and champion me and think I’m cool. Thank you for so much love that I’ve received in my life. Thank you for the hot guy that went on a date with me the other night. Thank you for magnolia trees and their beauty. Thank you for money in my account. Thank you for self discipline and courage, which I am finally learning to embrace as the angels cheer. Thank you for discernment and removing so many hooks from my back…
You keep telling me to write the real story of my life now. If it was possible to be with a brand new amazing man and be completely in love or get back with my raggedy lying ex and be in love with him, what I would I do? If I could trust that he’d never cheat on me, because he just didn’t want anyone else, I’d get back with him. And he could be flawed. He could be an ass. Whatever. I’d just love him. I’d just pick someone and love him. And let someone love me.
And all the spells would be broken. With my family. It’d be over now. We’d just love each other. I wouldn’t be so sad anymore. I wouldn’t be so broken. I would just be in love. I would know how to do it regardless of what anyone else did. But not my man. My man would love me, too. And I’d have friends who loved me, too. And if all my family couldn’t love me, then at least some of them would and my body wouldn’t hurt anymore when I’m around them. I’d stop crying all the time and smile again.
I would be held. That would be my dream. Someone would live life with me and hold me. Someone would decide to Love me. I guess for now, that someone could be me. That’s how my story would go. I would learn to love me. Quick. Today. Now. I’d get up on my behalf just as I’m doing now. But it would be easier than now. It’d be easier than I can imagine. It’d be fun. I’d be doing it with friends, companions. This part of my life would be fun at last. Although it would be work, it wouldn’t feel that way. I’d be able to step into a life I’ve never known. I’d be happy. I’d have sex. Good sex with someone who loved me.
And the sadness would control me never more. Perhaps I’ll give my sadness a name. Never More. In my new story, life is fun again. Even though I’m older now. Even though I’ve failed at so many things. I’m not the only one and now understand why so many have such a hard time smiling. We failed. It was hard. We got scared to try again. We settled for everything that makes our back hurt.
But in my new story, I don’t do that any more. I trust in my magic again, even when it’s hard. Especially when it’s hard. I motivate myself because I am not a kid anymore. I am the mother now. I am my own mother now. I am a grown up and I am the leader now. Leadership is not a bad thing anymore. I have leadership over my life now. And my leadership style is fun. I am finally able to follow through on things in my new story. I just do it. I just face Never More, put him in the back seat, let him cry, sometimes soothe him if he gets too loud, and then I follow through on life.
This is my new story. It’s not a sad story anymore. It is a story of redemption. A reconciliation and repair story. But God is the redeemer. I am the redeemer in my story. I have power. It’s not a dirty word anymore. I am able to make a choice over and over again until my life shifts.
My life force has been returned to me. Use it wisely and don’t be too hard on myself if I don’t. Love who I love when I love. Give it all away. Give it all away.
Ameen
Day 597
The Assignment (Give It All Away)
Y’all? It has been a hard, hard month. It is a hard, hard night. “If you don’t use your gifts, you get sick”. A colleague told me that not too long ago…
A few weeks ago, I went off to see a man. This is the third time that I have gone to see said man. I thought I would go see him, he would get me pregnant, we would start a family and live happily ever after. But it didn’t happen. None of it happened. The thing about this particular man is that he has mostly not done anything that a man who loves a woman is supposed to do… And yet I somehow believed that he loved me…
I am not delusional. It was not sex. It is not that I can’t meet other men. I meet other men quite often. Even serious ones who treat me well. I have been in love before, and I have moved on when I realized that the guys were not treating me well or they were playing games, etc… I have been able to accept that I won’t be with said guys and open my heart again.
But this guy? We’ll call him Lover. Even as all the things have happened and he has made it be known in every way that he will not be with me, I find it hard to believe. It is like the Earth is not the Earth anymore and everything I thought was real is not… Blah and blah and blah.
And in my living environment, blah and blah and blah…
And in my personal relationships, blah and blah and blah..
And there is currently no one in my life who I share hugs with. Most of the people who I spend most of my time with currently are in competition with me. To be fair, we are in a situation where many people want to do the same things and there are limited opportunities. And I keep winning. But the thing is, I’m not winning because I’m competing, which makes folks even more mad. I’m not even winning because I’m applying for things. I’m winning because people like me because I’m nice to them and they want someone nice around. But they hate me, too, because I’m winning…
Story of my life… And yet, I’m still losing. Because I have no one to hug and no one to smile to and I dare not tell anyone that I am doing well for fear that they will ask me for stuff if they think I have excess anything…
Can I tell you something? A part of me is giving up. A part of me is breaking. A part of me is angry, angry at you, God. Because life has been too hard. This has been too hard now… I have had no safe arms to come home to.
… I started the above words two weeks ago. Wow. So much has happened. I did, in fact, break in the past two weeks, and I found arms… My car cracked. Long story for another day maybe. It still drives, but it got in an accident all on its own and part of the bumper broke. My living situation got worse and I told the people I’d been doing life with that I’m leaving… Enough was enough. They asked me to stay and suggested I take some time away. So I did. And I brought an impromptu ticket to go and see the safest arms I know – a lifelong friend who has always been good to me.
And here I am. My friend is a massage therapist. He is a healer. I will call him Healer. He is kind and gentle and wise and giving. When we were younger, he used to be a pushover, but not anymore. He has learned how to love himself and honor his boundaries, and I am proud of him. Something in me wishes I could stay here forever, but I know I can’t. I’d have to marry him and he doesn’t want to marry anyone or date anyone. He’s been celibate for years and wants to stay that way… I could probably change his mind, but, again, I’d have to be certain that I want to marry him and stay with him forever.
Right now he is in the room with me, and I remember we used to do this when we were young. He’d be asleep or I’d be asleep, and one of us would be up doing work. And one of us would get the other tea or coffee or water. And it was how life should be. Easy. Peaceful. Safe…
Good morning world. I’m sure I had something on my mind when I came to this blog. I spoke with my mom yesterday and it was strange. Eye opening. She’s making some decisions that I don’t want her to make. All of my siblings are in support of this decision… and when I spoke with her yesterday, somehow, I was able to see the foundation of our family. Our values. And I saw why I’ve had such a hard time in my family. Our values are not my values. There is so much that I don’t care about anymore…
And I suppose I came here to write this morning so that I could sort out what I do care about. It is a new day and I was thinking about what I should do to start my day. What should my practice be? Pray? Exercise? Write? Read? Drink water? Meditate? Get to work? Lead? Leave? Belong?
My friend woke up and wants to talk. For this day, I will start off sorting…
And it is a new day now. Twelve days later… My body is trembling. I’m back at the place I was before. I did not leave. But other people did. Because they weren’t treated well. Someone got fired, because he wasn’t treating people (including me) well. Instead of leaving, I signed an agreement to stay here longer… And I am wondering who is reading this blog. Spying eyes of some of my haters make me hesitant to share all that is really happening in my world.
I will see if I can speak in safe ways and express myself. My jaw trembles. The haters I have are people who I never did anything to. But they thought I did. And they were so, so wrong in their suspicions that they spend a lot of time trying to find something on me to prove themselves right. It is easier than acknowledging that they spent years doing heinous things based on false assumptions. I am feeling very sad at the moment. Heartbroken, actually. I am not quite sure about what I am heartbroken about.
Perhaps it is my friend who just left. We couldn’t take care of her. Perhaps it is the recognition that I won’t be with Lover and life must finally move on. Perhaps it is this place where I am and the knowingness that they don’t take care of people like me. I will have to blaze a trail in order to be cared for and create a culture of care… and I’m a bit tired of trailblazing. Or maybe I can do it a different way. I generally blaze trails no one asked me to blaze. And although the future benefits from them and some are grateful, most are not. I do not get plaques or celebration.
I spoke with my mom today. She advised that I don’t put my focus on my past… Cover-up culture to prevent others from feeling guilty and supposedly to keep the peace. But there is no peace until things are healed. The wounds are just covered and they surface once instigated until they are healed…
Today I put some medicine on my scalp. Well, a naturally remedy. I have been wanting to do a natural remedy for a wound on my scalp for quite some time, but I haven’t been able to be consistent enough for it to work. So today was day two of me doing the remedy. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve done up to three consistent days in the two plus years since I’ve been wanting to do this remedy. I hope tomorrow is a new day.
So, what did I come here to write about? The particular subjects that I had in mind were “Listen to Your Soul” and “Take Care of Each Other”…
Listen to Your Soul resonates. The men are around. A guy who I haven’t spoken to in five years (Mean Ass), a guy who I haven’t spoken to in over ten years (Devil), a friend whom I haven’t seen in three years (Abusive Bastard), a guy from a year and half ago (Vampire), someone who I haven’t spoken to in six months (Yuck) and a guy who’ve I’ve been friendly with for some time (Stupid Asshole Yuck) have been sniffing around.
As I write about them all and give them nicknames, I see what to do about them. Let their asses go. Excuse my profanity. What they all have in common besides being mean asses is that they want to have a serious relationship with me. Marriage and family. And as I write about them, I ask myself what my current belief system is such that I am attracting these guys at this moment in time. They are also all haters. If I tell them about my farm, they will say something like “your little farm”. If I speak about my progress or newfound comfort in my skin, they will try and insinuate that I’m sleeping with bunch of men and covertly try and find a way to call me a whore. Or they will frown if I get too excited about something that isn’t them. Worstly, if I dare tell them that I have gotten out of the mud all by myself and life is great they will find a way to say how much better I would have been if I was with them or how awful life really is.
And this, my friends, is not love. I thank God for leading me to this blog this early morning, because this is what he led me to discover for myself. The why. I was getting fooled by all these guys’ intentions for partnership. And their reflection of my belief system is that I believe that someone who wants to partner with me must be a mean ass vampire who wants a servant woman wife and gets jealous if I do anything on my own and wants to dominate me.
I suppose I’m supposed to change this belief if I am to actually move on and be with the man species. But I am tired of doing all this inner work. So, God, will you just change it for me? I surrender. You tell me to at least hold the image and the possibility – at least write the words down – a partner who nourishes me and wants me to use my life force to live my dreams and gets excited and encourages and – my word – supports me when I do things on my own. A man who wants us to be our best and have healthy partnership…
My, my, my. What a concept. The truth is, I know that if I put this concept in my mind, there is a high probability that overnight, I might accept it. And my life might change. And I feel hesitant about my life changing. I feel hesitant about trying again. My deeper Soul says, “Don’t try. Do. I will help you. You are new now. Your vibration is new. Upgraded. Your life is new. You won’t understand it all. But I will guide you. I promise. I will make it easy.”
I have been used to this identity now. I have been used to these patterns… The almost life. The sick life. The abused life. The unexpressed life. Granted, I have also been used to having many miracles happen. The charmed life. The lucky life. The magical life. Allah, can you help me get used to having the things I want? Can you help me get used to even being willing to truly ask for the things I want? To ask for the things You want for me? I know you will help me, but nonetheless, I feel afraid. I feel like I have been writing about these things for some time and I don’t know if they will ever be real for real.
And you tell me don’t give up on myself. You tell me I have come a long way. You tell me listen to my Soul. You tell me all the things that I don’t want to hear. I partly want to get on a plane and leave here and never come back. And do the things I care about… This part of my life is hard. It is the best, I know.
I know I am on the brink. I know this is the breakthrough, finally. I know I can stay and learn how to mold my consciousness and I know this is what you want. This is what I needed. I needed to learn how to ask for what I want. And have it. I needed to learn how to have it. I needed to learn how to stand up against false accusations, attacks by Loved ones, etc, etc. I needed to learn that sacred word, “No”, and I needed to learn to say it without guilt. I needed to learn how to have what others don’t without guilt. I know… I know you have been leading me here.
I know that the lessons I am learning are the lessons that all thought leaders have mastered. I know I am a thought leader. It is hard for me to say that out loud, but you say I should say it out loud so that I can get used to being my full self whilst people judge… I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I have struggled so hard because I have tried so hard to be normal when I was never, ever created to be normal.
I am not normal. I have never been normal. Let me accept now. It is time for me to accept. I will need your help, God. And you say call on you now. Live with you now. Let you be my hand holder. Call on my father, may he Rest In Peace. My grandmother. My ancestors who have come before me. The angels who watch over me. Call on every good energy that has supported me always. My village and the strong men who pray for me. The crafty women who protect me. Call on help and let myself be helped as I am birthed again and again. This lifetime – this time and forever moving forward – will be the best.
Call on God. Call on God when it’s hard. Call on God when it’s easy. This is the lesson finally learnt. Call on God.
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you so much.
Sincerely,
Me
Day 596
When Things Get Hard (Call on God)
Interesting things happening… I just reread my last blog entry, which was seventeen days ago… I am sitting in a place with a group of friends, doing work.
I am in the elitist corner of a center. I usually don’t like sitting in elitist corners. I like to be amongst the people and mingle with them. I recognize that about myself. I am an elitist, but not really. Really, I like to be around normal people.
So I went back and reread my last blog entry because I wasn’t sure what I’m focusing on at this point in my life. And it is funny, because I am actually focusing on exactly what I wrote in my last blog entry. A week ago, I started a gathering. Twice a week, I meet with community members and we sit down for two hours and get work done. I am at that gathering now. About four to six people generally show up.
This week, one person in the gathering wanted to be sequestered in the elitist area. Another person wanted to be out in the open mingling with the crowd. I generally like to be out in the open mingling with the commoners. It’s marketing and it allows for an openness to meet other people. But one of the people who really wanted to support me seems to be very sensitive to public spaces and outsiders. This person wanted to meet in the quiet elitist area. So I am here with them in elite world. It works for now, but I do notice that the energy is different. It is inside energy. This is not the energy that you take outside to the world.
I am noticing energy. That is totally not what I had intended to write this blog about, but now it is. Energy. How energy impacts us. How our energy impacts others. My ex. My current living situation. These are the things on my mind.
And suddenly a wave of grief overcomes me. Because this part of life is ending soon. I am dying… This has been a very, very good part of life. These past four and half months have been some of the best months of my life. Can you believe? I’m sitting with a group of friends doing work. There is no pressure or meanness or expectation. There is kindness. This is mostly all I ever wanted in my life… And today, two other friends arrived. One of them is one of my favorite people in the world…
And my ex… Well, I don’t think I should write about him here for now. But I will say that I took action on my thoughts in the last blog. And I saw that there is a big difference between having an intention for anything in life and the intention being mutual. And there is the need for discernment when going towards something that isn’t going towards you… Do you keep walking in that direction? Do you say that you only go towards what goes towards you and stop going in a particular direction if the feeling isn’t mutual? Do you generalize the intention and just say you want a general thing and pick whatever shows up?
These are my questions within myself at the moment. I wrote my previous blog entry. And then I got guidance on which direction to go in life. And then new circumstances presented themselves and some of the things I chose did not choose me in the ways I wanted. And so I got shaky, which is where you find me tonight. Doubtful about what direction I should keep going in.
And my inner voice says “Keep going. Follow through in the direction I guided you on.” And that is the truth. That is all I came here to write.
Good night, y’all. Keep going. Follow through in the direction you were guided on. Keep your word to yourself.
Ameen.
Good night.
Day 595
Keep Going. Follow Through
Hi there,
I wanted to not do anything before writing you – I’ll explain – but then I did a thing. I read an email. And it shifted the flow of my thoughts.
Can’t get back to the original flow, which is why I originally didn’t want to do anything. Because I had a flow. But it has weakened because of a quick email read. But I will write what I can anyway. Hello there.
I just came from a quick talk. By an awesome group. Two people. I think they are a couple. They spoke about a new way of relating to each other. Intentionally. They have a group that they created and they had a think tank in a place I love – the place my Lover is from. They mentioned his country and I immediately went there in my mind. To his country. With him…
What have I been doing with my life since? A lot. But not much that brings me joy… Let’s see. I came back from visiting him in September 2023. And I was devastated. And also temporarily homeless because I had sublet my apartment out and came back early before my sublet was over… And so, because there was no where I wanted to be, I went somewhere I wanted to be. To a retreat and wellness center that a friend had told me about years ago… That was in October 2023…
And now we are in February 2025. I am back at that retreat and wellness center. And I just came from a talk from some people mentioning my ex’s country. As fate would have it, earlier today I was talking about my ex and his country to man who later proposed to date me…
I miss my ex.
And I had the inclination to write him a letter and get on a plane to be with him… What have been doing since October 2023? I guess I’ve been healing. I have actually been healing. Sometimes I don’t want to say it out loud.
I was listening to a book on tape by Louise Hay the other day. She was talking about how some people get sick and don’t want to get well because being sick is the only experience they’ve had of being taken care of… That resonated with me.
I had been sick for a long, long time. I was in a lot of pain. I was very disabled. I couldn’t do too much and people had to help me… But it might have been the first time in my life that I felt willing to ask for help. I felt entitled to have help and care. I started saying no to any and everything that hurt me or made me feel unwell, because I was fighting for my life. And a lot of relationships ended or shifted. I saw all the places in my life where there was no love. And the big bulk of my life was loveless, with people just wanting things from me and not seeing me as someone to be poured into. I didn’t see me as someone to be poured into, either.
And so, I guess that from October 2023 and up until now, my paradigm has shifted. Being sick made people leave me alone. Stop attacking me. Stop asking me for shit. Let me do what I wanted to do with my time. Some even supported me just because I needed support…
Can you imagine that some people live life like that while being well? Their inner circle consists of others who support them and don’t just ask for things. They are interested in giving as well….
It is the next day. I fell asleep last night. Because I was laying on a floor typing…
Tonight I am in a lively place. The lobby of the center I’m at. There is a table/desk of sorts. Lights are on. People are around… There is a bump on my chin, but there is also an aloe vera tree behind me to heal said bump.
And I am back alive. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I will wear my hair out. Wear red and black. I am my own Valentine’s… I just came from having dinner with friends. They wanted me around. One of the guys said that I bring light and joy even when I’m mad… That made me very, very happy. I made the right choice for Valentine’s Day… There was a man who wanted me to go see him.
And this is a redundant story. There always seems to be a man who wants me to go see him. And in the past, I go. This time, the man is ok, but not really. This man is someone I’ve known for about two years. One of my earliest memories of him was me moving furniture. I was moving furniture from my brother’s house. It was late at night. For whatever reason, I had a Uhaul and no one to help me move stuff out of said Uhaul, which needed to be moved by the morning. I told this man about my situation and he wished me luck…
He was new to my life at that time, and so I guess I didn’t expect him to get up in the middle of the night and drive across town to help some new woman unload a truck. But he could have. Some of my male friends would have, even without me asking… Put it this way. If I would have asked him to drive across town to have sex on that night, he would have. So…
I digress. This man has been in my life for some time. He has been there for me in certain ways, but not in all ways I need at all times… I wonder about this. When I was at my sickest, I don’t believe I saw him much. But he prayed for me at times and talked to me and advised me… One time he went with me and bought me some groceries. He had been relatively nice to me… When we first met, we went on a date. We kissed. I didn’t too much like his kiss. His mouth spit didn’t taste good and didn’t make my mouth feel good. My body didn’t like it. We kissed again, and my body didn’t like it again… He’s super handsome, but for some reason, I’m not the least turned on by him…
So there’s that. More recently, he has been telling me how he needs a woman in his life and he wants that woman to be me… And I need a man in my life, he says. Indeed I do. But there is something about him. He wants me to come visit him instead of him coming to visit me. And on so many instances, small and big, he has just been unwilling to come my way. And unwilling to be there for me at dire times of need. It’s all games. He wants to dominate me, is my feeling. I know that someone with greater awareness could tell me why I don’t want to be with this man.
I can’t see it too clearly. I would like to see things clear now, God. Because today, I told him that I’m not coming to see him. I’m sure he wanted to plan some Valentine’s thing. But I didn’t want to get in my car and drive for some hours to see him. I didn’t want to drive anywhere, not even minutes to see him.
I know why! Today, I was talking to my mom about this new thing I’ve been doing. I told my mom how I had been collaborating with these people and they liked how I do things and they wanted to offer me to work with them more. And my mom said, “No. What you’re doing (in my collaboration) is temporary. You have other things you want to do…” When I tell this guy about my dreams, though, he tells me I should go back to school and be a lawyer. Or be a psychologist… Anything except do the things I’ve always talked about doing…
And he lies a lot. He had a whole ex wife and child that he kept hidden from me for two years. I don’t know if any of these are the real reasons I don’t want to be with him… He ain’t sexy. There. That’s enough. Lol. I don’t want to. But here is the point. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to be with him. And so I didn’t go see him. In my past, I would have gone because it’s Valentine’s Day and something about him seems eligible, but no… I am much more happy being right here typing my blog than spending time with a man that my heart just says no to.
This blog entry is not cohesive… But I am. I am back online. I come from a culture when you don’t tell folks your good things because the belief is that the enemy will try and sabotage you… I’m not sure how much of that I believe. I’m wanting to be ok with being ok. I’m wanting to be taken care of even when I’m well.
But my spirit is telling me something that my brother told me years ago. Stop looking for others to do anything for me. Not in that defensive, the world is going to hurt me stance. But in a mature way. Be Sovereign. That’s my own thought. Take care of yourself. That’s my own new thought, too.
That’s the best thought I’ve had in a long time. Don’t go driving hours to see some man you don’t even like kissing. Chill out… Let men you like kissing come find you.
This entry is all over the place… My thoughts are all over the place, and it’s nice to get them out. Thank you for reading my blog. It helps me to write things out. It helps me to have an audience. In my mind is my mentor’s voice… “Write the story of your life now… Write it out how you want it to be.”
Could it be how I want it to be now? Could this be the breakthrough moment? The choice is mine. Little by little, I have been showing myself that I can be ok in the world now. Little by little, I have becoming trustworthy with my own life force. I’ve messed up a lot, but I’ve been learning, and I thank you, God, for the grace to allow me to start again… In these past months, I’ve had lived experiences over and over again of being accepted at my worst and at my best, and so I know that it’s possible to be whole and be loved… And I’ve said no. No and no and no to anything that isn’t love. No and no and no. The truth is, it is me who had to learn how to accept my own self at my best and at my worst. It is me who had to learn to show up for myself when I’m doing bad. It is me who had to learn and I’m still learning to take my dreams seriously and put my money where my mouth is… It is still me who is learning to follow through on my best thoughts. It is me who is learning to accept love.
And so, a story I can believe in. Once upon a time, this woman, me, called herself a woman instead of a girl. She felt shaky about identifying as a woman, but she chose to identify as such anyway. And she chose to identify as God’s own woman. From now on, she would lean into God. For real. She would listen… She would build her capacity to accept her true spirit… And it would be more than a writing on a blog. Couldn’t she see how she was already showing up in community? Couldn’t she see that she was already making an impact in her life? This woman would now take it easy and move forward in life one step at a time. Nothing hard anymore. She would seek out support. She would seek out community. She would have fun and play. Slowly, gently, powerfully, she would keep her word to herself. She would honor this gift called life. She would use her tools to not only move through obstacles, but to create good things. Her life would be a good, good life and a blessing to all who know her. She would own that she is, indeed, a good person. A light. She would take her rightful place in the world. And although it all seemed so big and too much and so scary, and even though she deeply believed that people won’t like or love her or help her anymore if she is happy or if she is thriving or if she is no longer sick, she would face those beliefs and say, “NO! THIS IS NO LONGER MY LIFE! I am a born leader and I will shift my beliefs and shift my life!” This woman, me, decided that she will start a new life today. Over and over, she would fall down and get up. She would keep getting up. She would keep getting up. They said she was resilient. Well, this time, she would align her resilience with the will of God.. humble, certain, strong. She would accept her own strength and let it be a blessing. She would let power be a blessing.
She would face her fears and say, “I can do this”. Look at her, doing this. Even now. I am the woman. I am a woman now. The world loves and is honored to take care of me, and I love and am honored to take care of the world.
Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Ameen
Day 594
Taken Care Of
Y’all. I’ve been busier than I’ve been in a long time. Actually, not completely true. I’ve been busy for a long time. Busy doing things I don’t want to do. And this is no different.
But different. I’d like to stop this trend. And get back focused. I was in LA. Sick first. And then running and running in circles solving all these problems that had built up while I was sick…
I don’t want to start there. I want to start with a post I read online earlier. It encouraged us to review the past ten years of our lives… And then think in ten year terms for the next ten years.
Ten years ago, I left the nine to five world. Because I had gotten sick. A different sick than I am now, but sick nonetheless. It was the first time that my brain had stopped working. I had had a major incident at work – I was being used as a cover-up and blamed for doing something wrong; story of my life. I eventually proved my innocence, but I had to fight and fight to prove it and in the fight, I was being ostracized in the work environment. One day, I sat down to do my work and I was looking at my files. I used to go through these files regularly to do work. But on this day, I looked at the files and I couldn’t remember why I was looking at them. It felt like my brain skipped a beat.
And I looked at those files for a long time, and I couldn’t remember what I was doing. At some point, my supervisor, who had been harassing me for some time, came to my desk to do something stupid that I can’t remember now. He asked me some dumb question and I busted out crying.
Within a day, I called the therapy people that I had with my insurance. I told the lady on the phone that I was having a hard time coping with things that were happening in my life. I went to see the therapist within a week and they took me out of work. Sent me to this place called “Work Clinic”. I don’t remember if it was three or four weeks, but me and a bunch of other people met up for some weeks in a group therapy type environment. We talked about our awful jobs and the facilitator gave us tools to cope.
It was great. I learned about how to face bullies. I learned about grounding. I learned about finding ways to recharge…
I digress. Today, LaVerne told me that I looked so different. LaVerne is a lady I met a year ago at the place I am now, which I will tell you about in a bit. She said she didn’t recognize me because I looked so open and vibrant. Indeed, I am open and vibrant, but I can feel my energy reducing, and so I am here on this blog so I can get my mind right so that I can get my act together and have this time of my life be a bit different than ten years ago.
So ten years ago, I went to Work Clinic. It was great. I was recharged. And then it was time for us to have an evaluation to see if we were ready to go back to work. I busted out crying in the therapist’s office, and before I could even ask, she told me that she’s not approving an extension of my time off. “You can always quit your job,” she said, and that’s what I did.
I quit my job. I won a lawsuit against the job, and I haven’t worked a nine to five since. It has been a transformation that I guess I signed up for, but I didn’t anticipate it happening like it did.
I can’t really tell you what I’ve been doing in those past ten years. Some of this, some of that. Mostly, I’ve been wanting to live life in a certain way and then getting sidetracked. Like now. This blog isn’t a sidetrack, but this past week has been.
I will tell you about this past week, but first let me finish with the ten years. In the prompt online, we were supposed to talk about how we’ve grown. The truth is, I have grown, but it has come at such a high cost that I don’t know if it’s anything to brag about. I’ve pulled away from almost everyone who I was living life step by step with, and I miss them oh, so badly, but not bad enough to ever want to go back to the way things were. Things were not good. I was not good. But I didn’t really understand why not.
I know you probably understood why if you have been reading my blog for a while, but I didn’t get it until recently. I was a codependent, people pleasing empath, and that was OK with me. I thought that’s the way I was supposed to be. It made me happy to help people. It gave me a sense of purpose to know that I was supporting people on things. But over time, I began to feel unappreciated. I began to feel unloved. I began to feel under resourced. I began to feel disrespected and even resented by the people I was helping. I began to feel betrayed, stifled, judged, abandoned and downright wronged. There were problems in my relationships that needed pronto fixing, but the thing was, most of the people I was relating with were either not willing or not able to recognize the problems, much less fix them.
And thus my transformation began. Sickness will do it to you. And therapy… In 2017, a friend told me that I had no boundaries. I had never even heard of the concept prior. But, lo and behold, friend offered me a book called “Boundaries” and she was right. I had none. I didn’t even know if boundaries were a good thing at the time, but now, as I’m sitting in a room boundried up, I can tell you that boundaries are great. 2017 was a great year. I joined a program called Feminine Power. I won the lawsuit against my former job, and I was going to start a new life… I had found an amazing doctor and family was supporting me to get health treatments. And I was getting better. I was, in fact, well. And I was ready to start a whole new life…
But things didn’t work out that way. A family situation shook everything and started the breaking of my whole heart. And then the next year, I joined with family again and started my heal the world business over seas. And it was great until it wasn’t. There was more heartbreak. And heartbreak upon heartbreak upon heartbreak year after year. With family. With friends. With men… I became a nothing.
Have you ever felt like a nothing? Like you don’t matter? Like you were never anyone’s precious somebody? Like you are only made to be food for others?
As I began to find the words – through coaching, counseling and mentorship – I was beyond heartbroken to see the dynamics happening in my life. And I got sick again. I’m sure heartbreak did it. Doctors said this, that and the other, but I know it was heartbreak and such a deep feeling of being so alone and so misunderstood.
My sickness became my redemption, though. During my sickness, I was facing another lawsuit – nonsense I won’t even write about. I won this one as well, but it took a toll and it took time. I was self represented and would literally spend 40 hours a week working on my case… Men came and went.
I fell in love with an overseas guy and for the first time in my entire life, I was willing to give my whole self to someone. And at first, he was willing to give his whole self to me. But when the slightest problem arose, both of us could not follow through with our love… I am laughing to myself as I think of the first issue we had…
“Let it all go”, God whispers to me as I write. Write it all down and then let it all go… And so I will. So many things happened, and I am left with the wounds. A jaw that trembles when I feel too emotional. A body that gets sick often.
Somewhere in all of this, I found my way. What does that mean, you ask? It means I grew up. And I decided not to give away all my gains. A friend of mine offered me that advice. He offered that I show up for myself now. And here I am.
I came to a new adventure recently. It’s a private adventure, but I have an opportunity to do many healing things like go to hot springs regularly, get massages, go to healing workshops, etc. It’s a dream come true. Except the people here are kind of rotten. One particular woman has taken a liking to me. She complains about everything, messes up my vibe when I meet new people because of her negative energy, brags about the hookups I’ve been getting us (thereby making the hooker uppers look bad and messing up our hook ups) and is just an overall fuddy duddy. She latched on to me because she finds me safe, and today, I realized that our friendship is not the answer for me.
And this is where my ten years has come full circle. Me ten years ago would have had a hard time telling this lady to leave me alone. Heck, me ten years ago would have felt compelled to help protect this lady and help her have a good experience here. Because the lady needs help. She’s suffering and blah blah. This is the hard lesson I’ve learned after ten years of my own suffering and transformation.
I used to think it was so noble to sacrifice my life in service of others, particularly others who were suffering more than me. But it’s not true. There is a time and a place to sacrifice in some ways, but what is more noble is to do the ultimate sacrifice: Do the thing you want to do with your life. Imagine how many more people I would serve if I wrote an amazing movie that would help people understand themselves and be empowered. Imagine the service if I got my act together and did my overseas work at the level I’m capable of… Imagine how resourced I would be if I had a man to come home to and smile with regularly and if I had kids, the responsibility of whom would motivate me even more to get up when things are hard and to have love to look forward to.
I believe that is what was on my mind when I started writing this blog. Love. Love to look forward to. In this past decade, I have evolved into a steward. A steward of the land. A steward of Love. Somehow I am not afraid of the world anymore. Somehow, even on my weak days, I feel like I have agency. I used to feel so confused about what was happening in relationships and now I understand and see so much.
Mostly, I see the difference in whether I actually like someone or whether I’m engaging because I just feel like I’m supposed to. I can say no… I can follow through on a good intention. And I can receive Love. And I’m starting to love myself. And honor myself… And be myself..
I’ve written a lot, and I’ve left you without a message. Intentions when I started writing were to think about the difference between going away from versus going towards… to evaluate the past ten years and see the growth… and to also sort out and process my emotions and current experience.
Now is the time for Love, my dear. Now is the time for joy. Now is the time to put your money where your mouth is and stop repeating the same mistakes. Now is the time… Now.
Hello Loves,
How are you? I’m OK. I’m in my car. Having a moment… I’m thinking of a little boy I was watching today. he did something. Hid from his mother. She was scared and thought he was lost. When she found him, she spoke to him a bit harshly. He began to cry and told her she hates him. She told him she didn’t hate him and explained why she was upset they both apologized to each other.
I imagine that his reaction is some of our inner reactions when someone we love chastises us. I thought of myself, and how long I’ve been crying on the inside because I thought that people I loved hated me…
I’m having a bit of a pity party, sitting here in my lucky car. I was supposed to be at my storage, getting my things out, but my gate code wasn’t working. It said my account was past due. My account is not past due, but I had argued with the people about them giving me false marketing and charging me a price that I wasn’t supposed to be charged, and I refused to pay the extra price they were charging me, and so I’m sure they locked the gate until I pay something…
I’m thinking about money, which I usually ignore. Jesus take the wheel. I have to pay for a bunch of stuff. I have 21 days until a lot of my stress is relieved as a start a new chapter in life, but at this very particular moment, I am thinking about the amount of money I will need until those twenty one days and I am thinking about the situations I will face until those twenty-one days and I am thinking of the action I will have to take before those twenty-one days. Actions I haven’t taken in years.
And all of those thoughts, triggered by me not being able to get into my storage space, led me to drive to my favorite place on the beach so I could melt down just a bit and share this lovely meltdown with you in real time.
The question on my mind is how am I going to get out of this car and complete the work that I had listed for myself today? And the answer is, I’m going to get out of my car and complete the work that I had listed for myself today. I’m not going to detour. I’m taking this moment to process all these pent-up feelings, and then, for the first time in a long time, I’m going to continue on my way even though my feelings would want to sink me.
I had so many dreams for myself. I have so many dreams for myself. And sometimes I feel very sad and disappointed in myself that I haven’t been able to make many of the things that matter most to me happen. But I want to encourage myself. I want to encourage you, who has failed at or not accomplished so many things.
You make a choice. And it’s a hard, hard choice. It’s a gangster choice. You have to piss or get off the pot. And sometimes, you get off the pot to come back later. Because you’re not ready yet and there needs to be some development or some refinement that occurs before you can produce what needs to be produced or received or created. But sometimes you get off the pot altogether, never to return. Maybe you wanted to be a runner, but you broke your leg and it can never be repaired. Or something comparable. And you have to get yourself a new dream.
I had two dreams that I wanted to actualize at this moment in time. None of them were particularly easy, but they were not particularly hard, either. I mean, my part wasn’t particularly hard. I’ve done harder things. But I haven’t been able to get up and follow through on my best intentions yet, so that I can give myself a real chance at succeeding. And I’m sitting in this car asking myself if I’m gonna piss or get off the pot… asking myself if I need to quit. And honestly, I don’t need to finish writing out all the questions.
I’m ready. I am. It’s not easy. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts. It’s confusing.
But I am brave. And I have shown up and shown out for harder things. It’s time to show up and show out for myself.
I had to take a break after writing that sentence. It was new. My emotions have calmed down a bit. And I ask myself, what can I do differently so that this time, things will be different? And the answer is very humbling and slightly humiliating.
The answer is, I have known what to do for a long time. I just haven’t done it. Follow through. Even when I face disappointment. Even when I get rejected. Even when I feel I don’t have enough or feel like I’m not enough. Follow through in the saddest of times. Even when I need to take breaks. Even moving slowly. Even with no hope in sight. Follow through. Don’t deny your feelings. Face them. Process them. But this time, let them pass through you and follow through with all of the lessons you’ve learned. Like now.
Gratitude, declarative breathing, movement, will process these feelings. You see, no matter what we have chosen – to piss, to get off the pot forever and choose a new path, to come back later – our life is ours. Even if we give it away to whoever, it our choice to give it or keep it.
I place the vibration of love right on top of my head. This is the time. This is the moment. This is the first day that I use my bravery, my power, my strength, my passion, my big Love, my compassion, my generosity, my brilliance, my kindness, my beauty… my Love… for myself. And I’m not by myself. We are not by ourselves even when we are alone. I know, it sounds like hogwash.
My mentor used to tell me that and I never believed or understood him until now. And I’m not asking you to consider or believe or understand me. I’m saying this for myself and whoever else it’s for. There is a God. There is a force. There is a momentum bigger than us. I know. Children are dying. I know. People are being abused and killed. I know. Innocents are losing their lives in wars they don’t even comprehend. I know. Awful things are happening on our planet. I know. Awful things have happened to us. And some of those awful things are impacting us still.
I’m sitting in a car afraid to get out and face the rest of my day because of awful things that have happened to me. But if I am choosing to face the rest of my day, and if I am choosing to still take action and dare to believe in the possibility of my dreams coming true – and I am choosing those things – then I have to find a way to have those things, to do those things, to allow those things… I have to find a way.
I have been believing I’m alone for so long, and it hasn’t really served me well. Yes, I have been alone in some instances, but that’s not the whole story. I have also been helped. I have also been supported. I have also been lifted. I have also been cared for. And I have also been able to do those things for myself and others.
And so, I’ll lean to that part of the story. I will focus on the presence of what I want, rather than the absence of what I want because I am a strong and brave grown-up and I can transform.
In this moment, I am at a beach with beautiful sand and ocean and grass and places to play sports. I am grateful for that. Thank you, God. And I am sitting in a car that I won on a game show ten years ago. It has taken me so many places and given me solace and support every time. Thank you, my sweet car. And I have gas in my car because I worked on a lovely show recently and they gave me money and hope. Thank you, show, for allowing me to work with you. And I just drank the remaining bit of magnesium infused water. I learned about magnesium somewhere online and a friend also told me about it. Thank you to my lovely friend and thank you God, for internet. I am writing in a blog that I’ve had for years and it’s helping me process my emotions and move forward for the day. Thank you for the inspiration, God, to create this platform that has been my friend and the friend of many for years. The sun gives me vitamin D. Thank you for the sun. I have enough money for pumpkin pie and whipped cream later. Thank you for pumpkin pie. I have an amazing job coming up next month in a dream location. Thank you for the job. Thank you for the location. I can think my own thoughts again. Thank you for all the programs, books, coaches, friends, mentors, even evil demon exes and toxic ties that helped me get here… I can work and it will give me the money I need. I am grateful for that. I have health and energy and clarity and the mental wherewithal that allows me to work sometimes.. I am so thankful for that… And I have gotten in touch with my Soul and it guides me well… and I listen now. And for this, I am most grateful.
And now, with a shifted vibration, I can get out of this car, sit in the grass while I stretch, take a quick run on the beach as I do my breathing declarations and then go get some pie and do some work.
One step, two step, align with the way… One step, Two Step..
Day 592
One Step, Two Step
Jumbled thoughts being sorted out. I’m at a retreat. It was a two week commitment. 4 days left. Land Stewardship. I fell in Love. With a man. He’s not really showing that he’s interested in me.
I met new people. So many of them. I met an old person who just happened to be doing a workshop at this retreat. This retreat is a seven hour drive away from where both of us live… I am feeling very, very happy. Loved somehow, even though the man I fell in love with doesn’t love me.
I am in a cohort of ten women. None of them look like me nor come from my racial nor cultural background. Most of them are at least ten years younger than me, but they think I’m their age… We have been bonding and sharing our lives. I have been living a dream.
Today I planted onions in the ground. Onion seedlings look like strands of hair. A group of seven of us made rows, took the seedings out of their seedling homes and transplanted the onion seedlings into the ground.
I started the day on my cycle. It wasn’t so bad, but it was emotionally bad for a few hours. Very uncomfortable. My head got tight. I thought about love and my family. I thought about the new family that I want to create. I took a looooooooong, long shower. I thought about running away from this place because I had had some challenges the day before and also because I didn’t want my colleagues to see me sick… But I didn’t run away. I stayed.
Instead of getting in my car and driving home, I got in my car and put aloe and castor oil on my head. I meditated. At some point I calmed down.
It is night now. I am in the communal cafeteria. Going to do a little writing and sort my thoughts before heading in to sleep. Writing out loud seemed like the better choice than journal this evening. Wanting to be heard and seen. Wanting Love…
That’s really all I have on my mind this evening. I want to share Love with someone now. I don’t believe my heart can be here this lonely for much longer…
You see, my heart has come alive. It’s what I was scared of all this time, but I’m not scared anymore. I feel. So much. And I was scared that if I felt so much that I wouldn’t have anyone to share these feelings with. But I’m not scared anymore. I know that someone will come along. I pray that he comes soon. In the meantime, I will be honest. I will clear space and time for him. Bless you my good friends.
Good night.
Day 590
Welcoming Love
I wrote a long one and deleted. The long one is for another day. The short version is, I love you. I hope you are well. I hope you have the things you need. If you are sick, I hope you heal soon.
I hope that you have the space to think of, and then experience joy. I hope you are safe. In your body. In your mind. In your emotions. I hope life gets better for you and this time it lasts. I hope you look back at the hardest times and use them as stories to tell the ones you share life with now.
I hope, I hope, I hope you feel loved. I hope you share Love.
God Bless you. God Bless you. God Bless you.
Day 589
Hope
Hi guys… It’s over. Everything. In a good way.
I’m sitting at home. My home for the last 12 years and 11 months. In the middle of Los Angeles. City of Angels. In the kitchen, my houseguest is frying plantain. I’m sitting in my self made book nook, my most nourishing spot in the house, and writing this blog.
It just occurred to me that this is also the least used spot in the house. I made it about a year ago or less. Prior to that, this area wasn’t very usable…
I’m moving. Yep. Me. I’m moving out of here. Finally. I have been afraid to move for a long, long time because this has been my only safe space in the world. And my jaw started to tremble a bit when I just wrote “I’m moving”, but I feel a bit more hopeful about the future than afraid. I can’t quite tell you where I’m going yet, but once I get there, I’ll let you know.
But I have begun to wonder who I will be. Who will I be if I don’t have some man abusing, neglecting or abandoning me and keeping me emotionally unstable for half the month? Who will I be if I’m not sick and in pain with some ailment to focus on? Who will I be if I’m not fighting with my family or friends and feeling wronged half the time? Who will I be if I actually have enough money to do whatever I want? And support to boot?
I have built an entire life around being poor, sick, hurt and almost there. Who will I be when I get there? When I am healed? When I feel Loved? When I am fulfilled in my work? And supported? When I belong? Who will I be when I use my energy for what I want how I want and don’t regret it? Who will I be when my will is my own?
I don’t have anything profound to write today. But I just wanted to let you know that I am changing. I’ve heard it so many times, but it makes sense now. When people say your life doesn’t change until you do. It makes sense. Your life can change temporarily without you changing. But you can trust that your life has forever changed when you realize that you have changed. And you don’t make the same decisions. And you don’t solve problems in the same way. And you give differently. You receive differently. You even walk differently.
I have changed. I am more humble. I have learned how to forgive and let go. But the most profound change is that I am beginning to understand how to feel good every day. And instead of making choices so that I can escape pain, I am beginning to open my arms, let pain dissolve, learn the lessons from it, and then make proactive choices – choices that will create the life I am here to live. I’ve also been embracing and embodying the phrase “I know”.
I realized that “I don’t know” lived in my subconscious really deep. Whenever it came time to make a decision, “I don’t know what to do” would be running in the back of my mind, and even in my body. I would get really confused. I would freeze so that I don’t feel the confusion. I would defer to anyone or anything besides my own inner knowing… I’m a woman and so we are acculturated to look to anyone but ourselves for leadership and guidance. But the truth is, there was so much that I did know, and I was betraying my own inner knowing for a long time. There is so much that I do know now.
I’ve been through a lot, and if I choose to, I can be wise now through my experiences. I can be powerful. I can be resourceful. I can be kind. I can be strong. I can be brave. I can be loving. I can be joyous. I can be clear minded. I can use my brain and my tools and my spirit to figure out the solutions to problems. I can create avenues for well-being. If I choose to, I can be the writer of my own self-help book now and know what I need to thrive. And I can learn how to receive what I need. I can be happy. In the midst of the dissolution of everything I’ve ever known, I know this is possible, even for me
I don’t know what the future holds, but even that’s not entirely true. I do know that the future for me is magical. I can’t wait to share with you as things unfold.
Love you! Bless you. Mwa.
Day 588
Endings and Beginnings (The Final Chapter)
hownottocryeveryday 