Hi there,
I wanted to not do anything before writing you – I’ll explain – but then I did a thing. I read an email. And it shifted the flow of my thoughts.
Can’t get back to the original flow, which is why I originally didn’t want to do anything. Because I had a flow. But it has weakened because of a quick email read. But I will write what I can anyway. Hello there.
I just came from a quick talk. By an awesome group. Two people. I think they are a couple. They spoke about a new way of relating to each other. Intentionally. They have a group that they created and they had a think tank in a place I love – the place my Lover is from. They mentioned his country and I immediately went there in my mind. To his country. With him…
What have I been doing with my life since? A lot. But not much that brings me joy… Let’s see. I came back from visiting him in September 2023. And I was devastated. And also temporarily homeless because I had sublet my apartment out and came back early before my sublet was over… And so, because there was no where I wanted to be, I went somewhere I wanted to be. To a retreat and wellness center that a friend had told me about years ago… That was in October 2023…
And now we are in February 2025. I am back at that retreat and wellness center. And I just came from a talk from some people mentioning my ex’s country. As fate would have it, earlier today I was talking about my ex and his country to man who later proposed to date me…
I miss my ex.
And I had the inclination to write him a letter and get on a plane to be with him… What have been doing since October 2023? I guess I’ve been healing. I have actually been healing. Sometimes I don’t want to say it out loud.
I was listening to a book on tape by Louise Hay the other day. She was talking about how some people get sick and don’t want to get well because being sick is the only experience they’ve had of being taken care of… That resonated with me.
I had been sick for a long, long time. I was in a lot of pain. I was very disabled. I couldn’t do too much and people had to help me… But it might have been the first time in my life that I felt willing to ask for help. I felt entitled to have help and care. I started saying no to any and everything that hurt me or made me feel unwell, because I was fighting for my life. And a lot of relationships ended or shifted. I saw all the places in my life where there was no love. And the big bulk of my life was loveless, with people just wanting things from me and not seeing me as someone to be poured into. I didn’t see me as someone to be poured into, either.
And so, I guess that from October 2023 and up until now, my paradigm has shifted. Being sick made people leave me alone. Stop attacking me. Stop asking me for shit. Let me do what I wanted to do with my time. Some even supported me just because I needed support…
Can you imagine that some people live life like that while being well? Their inner circle consists of others who support them and don’t just ask for things. They are interested in giving as well….
It is the next day. I fell asleep last night. Because I was laying on a floor typing…
Tonight I am in a lively place. The lobby of the center I’m at. There is a table/desk of sorts. Lights are on. People are around… There is a bump on my chin, but there is also an aloe vera tree behind me to heal said bump.
And I am back alive. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I will wear my hair out. Wear red and black. I am my own Valentine’s… I just came from having dinner with friends. They wanted me around. One of the guys said that I bring light and joy even when I’m mad… That made me very, very happy. I made the right choice for Valentine’s Day… There was a man who wanted me to go see him.
And this is a redundant story. There always seems to be a man who wants me to go see him. And in the past, I go. This time, the man is ok, but not really. This man is someone I’ve known for about two years. One of my earliest memories of him was me moving furniture. I was moving furniture from my brother’s house. It was late at night. For whatever reason, I had a Uhaul and no one to help me move stuff out of said Uhaul, which needed to be moved by the morning. I told this man about my situation and he wished me luck…
He was new to my life at that time, and so I guess I didn’t expect him to get up in the middle of the night and drive across town to help some new woman unload a truck. But he could have. Some of my male friends would have, even without me asking… Put it this way. If I would have asked him to drive across town to have sex on that night, he would have. So…
I digress. This man has been in my life for some time. He has been there for me in certain ways, but not in all ways I need at all times… I wonder about this. When I was at my sickest, I don’t believe I saw him much. But he prayed for me at times and talked to me and advised me… One time he went with me and bought me some groceries. He had been relatively nice to me… When we first met, we went on a date. We kissed. I didn’t too much like his kiss. His mouth spit didn’t taste good and didn’t make my mouth feel good. My body didn’t like it. We kissed again, and my body didn’t like it again… He’s super handsome, but for some reason, I’m not the least turned on by him…
So there’s that. More recently, he has been telling me how he needs a woman in his life and he wants that woman to be me… And I need a man in my life, he says. Indeed I do. But there is something about him. He wants me to come visit him instead of him coming to visit me. And on so many instances, small and big, he has just been unwilling to come my way. And unwilling to be there for me at dire times of need. It’s all games. He wants to dominate me, is my feeling. I know that someone with greater awareness could tell me why I don’t want to be with this man.
I can’t see it too clearly. I would like to see things clear now, God. Because today, I told him that I’m not coming to see him. I’m sure he wanted to plan some Valentine’s thing. But I didn’t want to get in my car and drive for some hours to see him. I didn’t want to drive anywhere, not even minutes to see him.
I know why! Today, I was talking to my mom about this new thing I’ve been doing. I told my mom how I had been collaborating with these people and they liked how I do things and they wanted to offer me to work with them more. And my mom said, “No. What you’re doing (in my collaboration) is temporary. You have other things you want to do…” When I tell this guy about my dreams, though, he tells me I should go back to school and be a lawyer. Or be a psychologist… Anything except do the things I’ve always talked about doing…
And he lies a lot. He had a whole ex wife and child that he kept hidden from me for two years. I don’t know if any of these are the real reasons I don’t want to be with him… He ain’t sexy. There. That’s enough. Lol. I don’t want to. But here is the point. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to be with him. And so I didn’t go see him. In my past, I would have gone because it’s Valentine’s Day and something about him seems eligible, but no… I am much more happy being right here typing my blog than spending time with a man that my heart just says no to.
This blog entry is not cohesive… But I am. I am back online. I come from a culture when you don’t tell folks your good things because the belief is that the enemy will try and sabotage you… I’m not sure how much of that I believe. I’m wanting to be ok with being ok. I’m wanting to be taken care of even when I’m well.
But my spirit is telling me something that my brother told me years ago. Stop looking for others to do anything for me. Not in that defensive, the world is going to hurt me stance. But in a mature way. Be Sovereign. That’s my own thought. Take care of yourself. That’s my own new thought, too.
That’s the best thought I’ve had in a long time. Don’t go driving hours to see some man you don’t even like kissing. Chill out… Let men you like kissing come find you.
This entry is all over the place… My thoughts are all over the place, and it’s nice to get them out. Thank you for reading my blog. It helps me to write things out. It helps me to have an audience. In my mind is my mentor’s voice… “Write the story of your life now… Write it out how you want it to be.”
Could it be how I want it to be now? Could this be the breakthrough moment? The choice is mine. Little by little, I have been showing myself that I can be ok in the world now. Little by little, I have becoming trustworthy with my own life force. I’ve messed up a lot, but I’ve been learning, and I thank you, God, for the grace to allow me to start again… In these past months, I’ve had lived experiences over and over again of being accepted at my worst and at my best, and so I know that it’s possible to be whole and be loved… And I’ve said no. No and no and no to anything that isn’t love. No and no and no. The truth is, it is me who had to learn how to accept my own self at my best and at my worst. It is me who had to learn to show up for myself when I’m doing bad. It is me who had to learn and I’m still learning to take my dreams seriously and put my money where my mouth is… It is still me who is learning to follow through on my best thoughts. It is me who is learning to accept love.
And so, a story I can believe in. Once upon a time, this woman, me, called herself a woman instead of a girl. She felt shaky about identifying as a woman, but she chose to identify as such anyway. And she chose to identify as God’s own woman. From now on, she would lean into God. For real. She would listen… She would build her capacity to accept her true spirit… And it would be more than a writing on a blog. Couldn’t she see how she was already showing up in community? Couldn’t she see that she was already making an impact in her life? This woman would now take it easy and move forward in life one step at a time. Nothing hard anymore. She would seek out support. She would seek out community. She would have fun and play. Slowly, gently, powerfully, she would keep her word to herself. She would honor this gift called life. She would use her tools to not only move through obstacles, but to create good things. Her life would be a good, good life and a blessing to all who know her. She would own that she is, indeed, a good person. A light. She would take her rightful place in the world. And although it all seemed so big and too much and so scary, and even though she deeply believed that people won’t like or love her or help her anymore if she is happy or if she is thriving or if she is no longer sick, she would face those beliefs and say, “NO! THIS IS NO LONGER MY LIFE! I am a born leader and I will shift my beliefs and shift my life!” This woman, me, decided that she will start a new life today. Over and over, she would fall down and get up. She would keep getting up. She would keep getting up. They said she was resilient. Well, this time, she would align her resilience with the will of God.. humble, certain, strong. She would accept her own strength and let it be a blessing. She would let power be a blessing.
She would face her fears and say, “I can do this”. Look at her, doing this. Even now. I am the woman. I am a woman now. The world loves and is honored to take care of me, and I love and am honored to take care of the world.
Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Ameen
Day 594
Taken Care Of
Y’all. I’ve been busier than I’ve been in a long time. Actually, not completely true. I’ve been busy for a long time. Busy doing things I don’t want to do. And this is no different.
But different. I’d like to stop this trend. And get back focused. I was in LA. Sick first. And then running and running in circles solving all these problems that had built up while I was sick…
I don’t want to start there. I want to start with a post I read online earlier. It encouraged us to review the past ten years of our lives… And then think in ten year terms for the next ten years.
Ten years ago, I left the nine to five world. Because I had gotten sick. A different sick than I am now, but sick nonetheless. It was the first time that my brain had stopped working. I had had a major incident at work – I was being used as a cover-up and blamed for doing something wrong; story of my life. I eventually proved my innocence, but I had to fight and fight to prove it and in the fight, I was being ostracized in the work environment. One day, I sat down to do my work and I was looking at my files. I used to go through these files regularly to do work. But on this day, I looked at the files and I couldn’t remember why I was looking at them. It felt like my brain skipped a beat.
And I looked at those files for a long time, and I couldn’t remember what I was doing. At some point, my supervisor, who had been harassing me for some time, came to my desk to do something stupid that I can’t remember now. He asked me some dumb question and I busted out crying.
Within a day, I called the therapy people that I had with my insurance. I told the lady on the phone that I was having a hard time coping with things that were happening in my life. I went to see the therapist within a week and they took me out of work. Sent me to this place called “Work Clinic”. I don’t remember if it was three or four weeks, but me and a bunch of other people met up for some weeks in a group therapy type environment. We talked about our awful jobs and the facilitator gave us tools to cope.
It was great. I learned about how to face bullies. I learned about grounding. I learned about finding ways to recharge…
I digress. Today, LaVerne told me that I looked so different. LaVerne is a lady I met a year ago at the place I am now, which I will tell you about in a bit. She said she didn’t recognize me because I looked so open and vibrant. Indeed, I am open and vibrant, but I can feel my energy reducing, and so I am here on this blog so I can get my mind right so that I can get my act together and have this time of my life be a bit different than ten years ago.
So ten years ago, I went to Work Clinic. It was great. I was recharged. And then it was time for us to have an evaluation to see if we were ready to go back to work. I busted out crying in the therapist’s office, and before I could even ask, she told me that she’s not approving an extension of my time off. “You can always quit your job,” she said, and that’s what I did.
I quit my job. I won a lawsuit against the job, and I haven’t worked a nine to five since. It has been a transformation that I guess I signed up for, but I didn’t anticipate it happening like it did.
I can’t really tell you what I’ve been doing in those past ten years. Some of this, some of that. Mostly, I’ve been wanting to live life in a certain way and then getting sidetracked. Like now. This blog isn’t a sidetrack, but this past week has been.
I will tell you about this past week, but first let me finish with the ten years. In the prompt online, we were supposed to talk about how we’ve grown. The truth is, I have grown, but it has come at such a high cost that I don’t know if it’s anything to brag about. I’ve pulled away from almost everyone who I was living life step by step with, and I miss them oh, so badly, but not bad enough to ever want to go back to the way things were. Things were not good. I was not good. But I didn’t really understand why not.
I know you probably understood why if you have been reading my blog for a while, but I didn’t get it until recently. I was a codependent, people pleasing empath, and that was OK with me. I thought that’s the way I was supposed to be. It made me happy to help people. It gave me a sense of purpose to know that I was supporting people on things. But over time, I began to feel unappreciated. I began to feel unloved. I began to feel under resourced. I began to feel disrespected and even resented by the people I was helping. I began to feel betrayed, stifled, judged, abandoned and downright wronged. There were problems in my relationships that needed pronto fixing, but the thing was, most of the people I was relating with were either not willing or not able to recognize the problems, much less fix them.
And thus my transformation began. Sickness will do it to you. And therapy… In 2017, a friend told me that I had no boundaries. I had never even heard of the concept prior. But, lo and behold, friend offered me a book called “Boundaries” and she was right. I had none. I didn’t even know if boundaries were a good thing at the time, but now, as I’m sitting in a room boundried up, I can tell you that boundaries are great. 2017 was a great year. I joined a program called Feminine Power. I won the lawsuit against my former job, and I was going to start a new life… I had found an amazing doctor and family was supporting me to get health treatments. And I was getting better. I was, in fact, well. And I was ready to start a whole new life…
But things didn’t work out that way. A family situation shook everything and started the breaking of my whole heart. And then the next year, I joined with family again and started my heal the world business over seas. And it was great until it wasn’t. There was more heartbreak. And heartbreak upon heartbreak upon heartbreak year after year. With family. With friends. With men… I became a nothing.
Have you ever felt like a nothing? Like you don’t matter? Like you were never anyone’s precious somebody? Like you are only made to be food for others?
As I began to find the words – through coaching, counseling and mentorship – I was beyond heartbroken to see the dynamics happening in my life. And I got sick again. I’m sure heartbreak did it. Doctors said this, that and the other, but I know it was heartbreak and such a deep feeling of being so alone and so misunderstood.
My sickness became my redemption, though. During my sickness, I was facing another lawsuit – nonsense I won’t even write about. I won this one as well, but it took a toll and it took time. I was self represented and would literally spend 40 hours a week working on my case… Men came and went.
I fell in love with an overseas guy and for the first time in my entire life, I was willing to give my whole self to someone. And at first, he was willing to give his whole self to me. But when the slightest problem arose, both of us could not follow through with our love… I am laughing to myself as I think of the first issue we had…
“Let it all go”, God whispers to me as I write. Write it all down and then let it all go… And so I will. So many things happened, and I am left with the wounds. A jaw that trembles when I feel too emotional. A body that gets sick often.
Somewhere in all of this, I found my way. What does that mean, you ask? It means I grew up. And I decided not to give away all my gains. A friend of mine offered me that advice. He offered that I show up for myself now. And here I am.
I came to a new adventure recently. It’s a private adventure, but I have an opportunity to do many healing things like go to hot springs regularly, get massages, go to healing workshops, etc. It’s a dream come true. Except the people here are kind of rotten. One particular woman has taken a liking to me. She complains about everything, messes up my vibe when I meet new people because of her negative energy, brags about the hookups I’ve been getting us (thereby making the hooker uppers look bad and messing up our hook ups) and is just an overall fuddy duddy. She latched on to me because she finds me safe, and today, I realized that our friendship is not the answer for me.
And this is where my ten years has come full circle. Me ten years ago would have had a hard time telling this lady to leave me alone. Heck, me ten years ago would have felt compelled to help protect this lady and help her have a good experience here. Because the lady needs help. She’s suffering and blah blah. This is the hard lesson I’ve learned after ten years of my own suffering and transformation.
I used to think it was so noble to sacrifice my life in service of others, particularly others who were suffering more than me. But it’s not true. There is a time and a place to sacrifice in some ways, but what is more noble is to do the ultimate sacrifice: Do the thing you want to do with your life. Imagine how many more people I would serve if I wrote an amazing movie that would help people understand themselves and be empowered. Imagine the service if I got my act together and did my overseas work at the level I’m capable of… Imagine how resourced I would be if I had a man to come home to and smile with regularly and if I had kids, the responsibility of whom would motivate me even more to get up when things are hard and to have love to look forward to.
I believe that is what was on my mind when I started writing this blog. Love. Love to look forward to. In this past decade, I have evolved into a steward. A steward of the land. A steward of Love. Somehow I am not afraid of the world anymore. Somehow, even on my weak days, I feel like I have agency. I used to feel so confused about what was happening in relationships and now I understand and see so much.
Mostly, I see the difference in whether I actually like someone or whether I’m engaging because I just feel like I’m supposed to. I can say no… I can follow through on a good intention. And I can receive Love. And I’m starting to love myself. And honor myself… And be myself..
I’ve written a lot, and I’ve left you without a message. Intentions when I started writing were to think about the difference between going away from versus going towards… to evaluate the past ten years and see the growth… and to also sort out and process my emotions and current experience.
Now is the time for Love, my dear. Now is the time for joy. Now is the time to put your money where your mouth is and stop repeating the same mistakes. Now is the time… Now.
Hello Loves,
How are you? I’m OK. I’m in my car. Having a moment… I’m thinking of a little boy I was watching today. he did something. Hid from his mother. She was scared and thought he was lost. When she found him, she spoke to him a bit harshly. He began to cry and told her she hates him. She told him she didn’t hate him and explained why she was upset they both apologized to each other.
I imagine that his reaction is some of our inner reactions when someone we love chastises us. I thought of myself, and how long I’ve been crying on the inside because I thought that people I loved hated me…
I’m having a bit of a pity party, sitting here in my lucky car. I was supposed to be at my storage, getting my things out, but my gate code wasn’t working. It said my account was past due. My account is not past due, but I had argued with the people about them giving me false marketing and charging me a price that I wasn’t supposed to be charged, and I refused to pay the extra price they were charging me, and so I’m sure they locked the gate until I pay something…
I’m thinking about money, which I usually ignore. Jesus take the wheel. I have to pay for a bunch of stuff. I have 21 days until a lot of my stress is relieved as a start a new chapter in life, but at this very particular moment, I am thinking about the amount of money I will need until those twenty one days and I am thinking about the situations I will face until those twenty-one days and I am thinking of the action I will have to take before those twenty-one days. Actions I haven’t taken in years.
And all of those thoughts, triggered by me not being able to get into my storage space, led me to drive to my favorite place on the beach so I could melt down just a bit and share this lovely meltdown with you in real time.
The question on my mind is how am I going to get out of this car and complete the work that I had listed for myself today? And the answer is, I’m going to get out of my car and complete the work that I had listed for myself today. I’m not going to detour. I’m taking this moment to process all these pent-up feelings, and then, for the first time in a long time, I’m going to continue on my way even though my feelings would want to sink me.
I had so many dreams for myself. I have so many dreams for myself. And sometimes I feel very sad and disappointed in myself that I haven’t been able to make many of the things that matter most to me happen. But I want to encourage myself. I want to encourage you, who has failed at or not accomplished so many things.
You make a choice. And it’s a hard, hard choice. It’s a gangster choice. You have to piss or get off the pot. And sometimes, you get off the pot to come back later. Because you’re not ready yet and there needs to be some development or some refinement that occurs before you can produce what needs to be produced or received or created. But sometimes you get off the pot altogether, never to return. Maybe you wanted to be a runner, but you broke your leg and it can never be repaired. Or something comparable. And you have to get yourself a new dream.
I had two dreams that I wanted to actualize at this moment in time. None of them were particularly easy, but they were not particularly hard, either. I mean, my part wasn’t particularly hard. I’ve done harder things. But I haven’t been able to get up and follow through on my best intentions yet, so that I can give myself a real chance at succeeding. And I’m sitting in this car asking myself if I’m gonna piss or get off the pot… asking myself if I need to quit. And honestly, I don’t need to finish writing out all the questions.
I’m ready. I am. It’s not easy. It’s hard. It’s scary. It’s uncomfortable. It hurts. It’s confusing.
But I am brave. And I have shown up and shown out for harder things. It’s time to show up and show out for myself.
I had to take a break after writing that sentence. It was new. My emotions have calmed down a bit. And I ask myself, what can I do differently so that this time, things will be different? And the answer is very humbling and slightly humiliating.
The answer is, I have known what to do for a long time. I just haven’t done it. Follow through. Even when I face disappointment. Even when I get rejected. Even when I feel I don’t have enough or feel like I’m not enough. Follow through in the saddest of times. Even when I need to take breaks. Even moving slowly. Even with no hope in sight. Follow through. Don’t deny your feelings. Face them. Process them. But this time, let them pass through you and follow through with all of the lessons you’ve learned. Like now.
Gratitude, declarative breathing, movement, will process these feelings. You see, no matter what we have chosen – to piss, to get off the pot forever and choose a new path, to come back later – our life is ours. Even if we give it away to whoever, it our choice to give it or keep it.
I place the vibration of love right on top of my head. This is the time. This is the moment. This is the first day that I use my bravery, my power, my strength, my passion, my big Love, my compassion, my generosity, my brilliance, my kindness, my beauty… my Love… for myself. And I’m not by myself. We are not by ourselves even when we are alone. I know, it sounds like hogwash.
My mentor used to tell me that and I never believed or understood him until now. And I’m not asking you to consider or believe or understand me. I’m saying this for myself and whoever else it’s for. There is a God. There is a force. There is a momentum bigger than us. I know. Children are dying. I know. People are being abused and killed. I know. Innocents are losing their lives in wars they don’t even comprehend. I know. Awful things are happening on our planet. I know. Awful things have happened to us. And some of those awful things are impacting us still.
I’m sitting in a car afraid to get out and face the rest of my day because of awful things that have happened to me. But if I am choosing to face the rest of my day, and if I am choosing to still take action and dare to believe in the possibility of my dreams coming true – and I am choosing those things – then I have to find a way to have those things, to do those things, to allow those things… I have to find a way.
I have been believing I’m alone for so long, and it hasn’t really served me well. Yes, I have been alone in some instances, but that’s not the whole story. I have also been helped. I have also been supported. I have also been lifted. I have also been cared for. And I have also been able to do those things for myself and others.
And so, I’ll lean to that part of the story. I will focus on the presence of what I want, rather than the absence of what I want because I am a strong and brave grown-up and I can transform.
In this moment, I am at a beach with beautiful sand and ocean and grass and places to play sports. I am grateful for that. Thank you, God. And I am sitting in a car that I won on a game show ten years ago. It has taken me so many places and given me solace and support every time. Thank you, my sweet car. And I have gas in my car because I worked on a lovely show recently and they gave me money and hope. Thank you, show, for allowing me to work with you. And I just drank the remaining bit of magnesium infused water. I learned about magnesium somewhere online and a friend also told me about it. Thank you to my lovely friend and thank you God, for internet. I am writing in a blog that I’ve had for years and it’s helping me process my emotions and move forward for the day. Thank you for the inspiration, God, to create this platform that has been my friend and the friend of many for years. The sun gives me vitamin D. Thank you for the sun. I have enough money for pumpkin pie and whipped cream later. Thank you for pumpkin pie. I have an amazing job coming up next month in a dream location. Thank you for the job. Thank you for the location. I can think my own thoughts again. Thank you for all the programs, books, coaches, friends, mentors, even evil demon exes and toxic ties that helped me get here… I can work and it will give me the money I need. I am grateful for that. I have health and energy and clarity and the mental wherewithal that allows me to work sometimes.. I am so thankful for that… And I have gotten in touch with my Soul and it guides me well… and I listen now. And for this, I am most grateful.
And now, with a shifted vibration, I can get out of this car, sit in the grass while I stretch, take a quick run on the beach as I do my breathing declarations and then go get some pie and do some work.
One step, two step, align with the way… One step, Two Step..
Day 592
One Step, Two Step
Jumbled thoughts being sorted out. I’m at a retreat. It was a two week commitment. 4 days left. Land Stewardship. I fell in Love. With a man. He’s not really showing that he’s interested in me.
I met new people. So many of them. I met an old person who just happened to be doing a workshop at this retreat. This retreat is a seven hour drive away from where both of us live… I am feeling very, very happy. Loved somehow, even though the man I fell in love with doesn’t love me.
I am in a cohort of ten women. None of them look like me nor come from my racial nor cultural background. Most of them are at least ten years younger than me, but they think I’m their age… We have been bonding and sharing our lives. I have been living a dream.
Today I planted onions in the ground. Onion seedlings look like strands of hair. A group of seven of us made rows, took the seedings out of their seedling homes and transplanted the onion seedlings into the ground.
I started the day on my cycle. It wasn’t so bad, but it was emotionally bad for a few hours. Very uncomfortable. My head got tight. I thought about love and my family. I thought about the new family that I want to create. I took a looooooooong, long shower. I thought about running away from this place because I had had some challenges the day before and also because I didn’t want my colleagues to see me sick… But I didn’t run away. I stayed.
Instead of getting in my car and driving home, I got in my car and put aloe and castor oil on my head. I meditated. At some point I calmed down.
It is night now. I am in the communal cafeteria. Going to do a little writing and sort my thoughts before heading in to sleep. Writing out loud seemed like the better choice than journal this evening. Wanting to be heard and seen. Wanting Love…
That’s really all I have on my mind this evening. I want to share Love with someone now. I don’t believe my heart can be here this lonely for much longer…
You see, my heart has come alive. It’s what I was scared of all this time, but I’m not scared anymore. I feel. So much. And I was scared that if I felt so much that I wouldn’t have anyone to share these feelings with. But I’m not scared anymore. I know that someone will come along. I pray that he comes soon. In the meantime, I will be honest. I will clear space and time for him. Bless you my good friends.
Good night.
Day 590
Welcoming Love
I wrote a long one and deleted. The long one is for another day. The short version is, I love you. I hope you are well. I hope you have the things you need. If you are sick, I hope you heal soon.
I hope that you have the space to think of, and then experience joy. I hope you are safe. In your body. In your mind. In your emotions. I hope life gets better for you and this time it lasts. I hope you look back at the hardest times and use them as stories to tell the ones you share life with now.
I hope, I hope, I hope you feel loved. I hope you share Love.
God Bless you. God Bless you. God Bless you.
Day 589
Hope
Hi guys… It’s over. Everything. In a good way.
I’m sitting at home. My home for the last 12 years and 11 months. In the middle of Los Angeles. City of Angels. In the kitchen, my houseguest is frying plantain. I’m sitting in my self made book nook, my most nourishing spot in the house, and writing this blog.
It just occurred to me that this is also the least used spot in the house. I made it about a year ago or less. Prior to that, this area wasn’t very usable…
I’m moving. Yep. Me. I’m moving out of here. Finally. I have been afraid to move for a long, long time because this has been my only safe space in the world. And my jaw started to tremble a bit when I just wrote “I’m moving”, but I feel a bit more hopeful about the future than afraid. I can’t quite tell you where I’m going yet, but once I get there, I’ll let you know.
But I have begun to wonder who I will be. Who will I be if I don’t have some man abusing, neglecting or abandoning me and keeping me emotionally unstable for half the month? Who will I be if I’m not sick and in pain with some ailment to focus on? Who will I be if I’m not fighting with my family or friends and feeling wronged half the time? Who will I be if I actually have enough money to do whatever I want? And support to boot?
I have built an entire life around being poor, sick, hurt and almost there. Who will I be when I get there? When I am healed? When I feel Loved? When I am fulfilled in my work? And supported? When I belong? Who will I be when I use my energy for what I want how I want and don’t regret it? Who will I be when my will is my own?
I don’t have anything profound to write today. But I just wanted to let you know that I am changing. I’ve heard it so many times, but it makes sense now. When people say your life doesn’t change until you do. It makes sense. Your life can change temporarily without you changing. But you can trust that your life has forever changed when you realize that you have changed. And you don’t make the same decisions. And you don’t solve problems in the same way. And you give differently. You receive differently. You even walk differently.
I have changed. I am more humble. I have learned how to forgive and let go. But the most profound change is that I am beginning to understand how to feel good every day. And instead of making choices so that I can escape pain, I am beginning to open my arms, let pain dissolve, learn the lessons from it, and then make proactive choices – choices that will create the life I am here to live. I’ve also been embracing and embodying the phrase “I know”.
I realized that “I don’t know” lived in my subconscious really deep. Whenever it came time to make a decision, “I don’t know what to do” would be running in the back of my mind, and even in my body. I would get really confused. I would freeze so that I don’t feel the confusion. I would defer to anyone or anything besides my own inner knowing… I’m a woman and so we are acculturated to look to anyone but ourselves for leadership and guidance. But the truth is, there was so much that I did know, and I was betraying my own inner knowing for a long time. There is so much that I do know now.
I’ve been through a lot, and if I choose to, I can be wise now through my experiences. I can be powerful. I can be resourceful. I can be kind. I can be strong. I can be brave. I can be loving. I can be joyous. I can be clear minded. I can use my brain and my tools and my spirit to figure out the solutions to problems. I can create avenues for well-being. If I choose to, I can be the writer of my own self-help book now and know what I need to thrive. And I can learn how to receive what I need. I can be happy. In the midst of the dissolution of everything I’ve ever known, I know this is possible, even for me
I don’t know what the future holds, but even that’s not entirely true. I do know that the future for me is magical. I can’t wait to share with you as things unfold.
Love you! Bless you. Mwa.
Day 588
Endings and Beginnings (The Final Chapter)
Y’all… Stay Focused. Everything you’ve learned is up for review now. Pass the test. If others come to you with disruption, attacks, bad treatment, bless them, love them, but PULL YOUR ENERGY AWAY.
Don’t waste time trying to prove to others that they are hurting, harming, or otherwise negatively impacting you. You know that they are. Your own knowing is enough.
Don’t waste time trying to show that you are good or that you meant this, that or the other. You know your intentions and you know what you think and who you pray for when you go to sleep. Your own knowing is enough.
Your critical attention is needed for the rebuilding of your life. Focus on the thoughts, behaviors, environments that will create the life you are here to live
Stay Focused. I Love y’all.
Mwa!
Day 587
Stay Focused
I will start with today. This moment. I am sitting at home. My apartment that I’ve lived in for 12.5 years. In the heart of the City of Angels. I have on a nightgown of sorts, a peachish pinkish colored short dress looking thing. The heater is on. I’m sitting on the couch covered with a blanket. The couch has books under the base because the base cracked.
The couch is multi-colored. A blue base with a busy, circular pattern on it. My laptop is on my lap, my phone is on the arm of the couch to my left, and my journal is on the couch to my right. On the end table, there is a plastic orange bowl filled with fruit – orange slices and grapes -, a bottle of water and a plastic tray with crumbs from snacks just eaten.
I am struggling to breathe. There is a tingling sensation on the right side of my body. My housemate just came out of his room to tell me he wants to eat food and to call me a bad lady because I didn’t make food for him. It is his way of joking, he says. I say he full of shit but I refuse to give him my energy today.
His interaction is his way of trying to open up a door so he can ask me to have sex with him or so that he can eat all my energy. And just like that, my focus is gone.
This is why my leg hurts… Oooh. This is the deep thing to heal. I can not breathe and my leg hurts because I feel afraid. I feel afraid because I am completing many things quickly and that means that i will be back in the world again. In fact, I will be in the world in a way that I’ve never been before. I feel afraid of being back in the world because there are people like my housemate everywhere in the world. People who don’t care about you and only want to take from you or manipulate or use you. People who will destroy everything meaningful to you in order to try and control you.
I manifested a monster right into my house. He is the outpicturing of my deepest beliefs about life, men, and others, and he is my opportunity to be free at last. “Women are too bad, boys are too smart, problems won’t finish, try to enjoy,” he sings as he makes his own food in the kitchen.
This is not where I was expecting to go when I started writing this blog. Now my left shoulder hurts and my uterus is in a rage…
I went online to scroll. My body tapped itself out for a bit, and now, finally, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to deal with this sh*t because I can’t hide out from the world forever.
First, what is the problem? The problem is that my body reacts negatively to any kind of forward motion – muscle pain, confusion, panic attacks, trouble breathing – because it feels afraid of coming back to the world. I have my reasons. I’ve been hurt by the world in many ways for a long, long time. Trauma. And up until recently, not only was I hurt, but I couldn’t quite understand what was going on because I was gaslit by the offenders, who will chip away at you through micro-aggressions forever and then tell you nothing is happening.
Other problem: a perfect reflection of why I am afraid of going back to the world lives with me and regularly reminds me of how awful the world is.
Solution. Take your power back… Jesus take the wheel.
Belief: If I become powerful, the world will hurt me more.
Solution: Change belief and become powerful.
New belief: When I become more powerful, I am more safe in the world. I am not alone. God is love.
You see, anything is possible. You can make anything mean anything. And so, you can make this situation mean that God hates you, or you can make it mean that God Loves you and is teaching you finally to use your power to be safe. Say no to negative energetic encounters. Partner with people on your level. Heal, heal, heal the subconscious trauma that blocks you from moving forward. Heal until healed. All the way. And say yes to environments that nurture, inspire and restore you.
This is an opportunity for you to break free, Laydie. Take it. You are getting old and this life will be over before you blink an eye…
My housemate went and cooked some food. He cooked food for me, too. He’s calling me to eat. It’s a trap and a trick. Lord. OK. This is it. This is why my back hurts and my leg hurts and my everything hurts when I think about going back to the world. Traps and tricks to get me to do what I want, and moreover, to get me to do what’s not safe for me. My head hurts and I can hardly concentrate at the moment. My heart is beating fast. What is the way out of all this?
l stopped writing. Breathed. Meditated. Pulled my energy back into my body. Some text messenger got his attention and he went to the room to text. The solution is focus. Easier said than done, but easier done when done and done and done and done again.
For a brief moment, I remembered what I had planned to do with this day. The moving forward that led me into panic attack in the first place. I had planned to complete things. Complete reading and editing a manuscript that I had planned to read and edit a long time ago. I had planned to get out of the house and get to a public place – a park or something, and finish reading and editing it. And I had planned to finish putting away and folding my clothes. And I had planned to finish sweeping and mopping the floor. Those three things are epic things that have been on my incomplete list forever.
The solution is to shift focus. Take action. My body tingles again as I find this clarity. I will stop overthinking now. I will fold and unpack this closet today. The experience that you have been trying to prepare me for over and over again is understood now.
I am in the world, whether I want to be or not. Although living in these walls with very little drama is safe, it is not invigorating. It is not fun. It is not joyful. It is not exciting. It is a waste of my gifts, talents and capacity.
The truth is, if I want to be fulfilled in any form or fashion, I will have to take the risk of living again. And what I know is that the time is now. Can you believe that with all of the things I’ve been through in life, this moving forward after being hurt… this finishing up of a cleaning of a closet… is the most frightening. And the cure is bravery. I want to find a way to make bravery fun and easy.
I see the story I have in my mind – me, trembling, shaking, triumphing. What if I could sing instead? Put on some music and laugh out loud like a maniac? I believe that I can do it. I’m doing it now. Finally…
I guess it takes time to heal. This took about four hours and I am grateful for four hours given to heal lifetimes of trauma. Four hours to finally show up for myself in life.
xx
Day 586
Four Hours To Move On
hownottocryeveryday 