Day 567 – Planting Seeds and Tending Wounds

Hi.

Life is moving. Fast, fast, fast. Where to begin and where to end with this one? I started off intending to share something good with the world. Because I’m on overload of good things and need to share. Then I looked at the heading of my last blog post, “betrayal”. I wondered what I wrote in there, but I can imagine. Then I felt the feelings of betrayal again. Thought of a situation of someone I love being so OK betraying me. Then I felt sad and I feel really sad right now.

That’s where we are starting this blog. I looked at a pic of myself a year ago. Then almost two years ago, right around the time my grandma died. Since I’ve had so many health issues, I’m really good at spotting a nervous tick, dull eyes, lopsided facial expressions because you are just trying to keep it together. I was doing really really bad. I didn’t even know. Just trying to keep it together whilst people kept asking me for shit. Man, the last two years have been the roughest. The most heartbreaking. The most life changing and devastating.

My coach said I was a codependent empath with no boundaries. Recipe for disaster. Taking in everyone’s shit to the point you don’t realize what’s yours and what’s another’s. Fearful people are always happy for a hero and resent them afterwards… Life has been something. I guess I’ll just sort through my thoughts with this entry with the intention of getting somewhere after I take off all the top layers.

A family member was sick the other. I was able to help. I was so happy to help. Nobody was helping this person in the way she needed. I don’t understand what’s wrong with us humans. It’s not that we don’t know. Some of us don’t know, but even for the ones who don’t know, when people tell them what they need, they don’t honor it. And then start talking about “I love you I Love you”. This person just needed someone to give her food. Tell her to drink water. Sit with her and don’t ask her for shit whilst she was in the hospital. Care. Like, not because it’s an obligation and that’s what you’re supposed to do. Care because you care. Care because you want her to get better and it doesn’t cost you that much time or energy to care.

I was sitting in the hospital with her and realizing that that’s the only thing that matters to me. Caring and being cared for. Everyone is not able to do so. Everyone is not interested in doing so. Many of us think the sky is falling down and we have to survive and that is our life focus. What is yours? What is mine?

Can I tell you a secret? The sky is not falling. For some people it is and for some people it’s not. And it’s not because some are privileged and some are not. I’m writing this as a person whose skies have been falling for years on end. Yes, I was born into tough circumstances. Yes, a lot happened to my sweet behind before I was even aware of what’s really going on and how it was impacting my sense of self, belief system, etc. Yes, I had my reasons for developing a lifestyle of disassociating. Stuff hurt and I wasn’t even conscious enough to see exactly what was eating Gilbert Grape. We have our reasons. But there are people with our same backgrounds and worse – our race, our gender, our socioeconomic background, our level of beauty or lack thereof, our level of talent/skills or lack thereof… and their skies are falling, too, but they are thriving. I want to tell you the secret I learned. The secret I am learning and starting to put into practice.

You have to plant seeds.

That’s it. That is the way out of all of this. I’m a farmer. It’s weird to write because I really never thought of being a farmer. But I’m a farmer. I have a farm overseas. From the start of planting our farm three years ago and up until now, so much has happened. People have died. People have tried to kill me and others on my team. I’ve gotten sick and heartbroken enough times. So many relationships have fallen apart. And the farm is still there. Growing. Do you understand?

Relate it to your life. There is something important to you in life. There is something you want to be. Something you want to do or feel. Create, contribute, express, experience, as Claire from Feminine Power would say. There’s something you want to create, contribute, express and/or experience. You’ve probably wanted it for the majority of your life… And maybe you got disappointed. Of course you did. And the sky started falling. Or you started drowning for one reason or another. Someone broke your heart. I understand how much it hurts. And I’m sorry. Trust me, I understand. Someone betrayed you. You thought they had your back and they would never do a certain thing, and then they did. And they never said sorry. In fact, they kicked you and said you ain’t shit and you deserved the bad treatment. And your Earth shook. Your foundation broke. And the sky felt like it was falling. I understand. It hurt like hell and you couldn’t distinguish coming from going and only wanted to not walk into the ocean when the thoughts came your way. I understand… Your heart is big. Your Love is deep. And they didn’t see it. Or if they did, they hated for it or tried to take advantage of you because of it… And your focus became survival. It’s understandable…

But it hasn’t been enough for you, big heart. You understand? You can’t stop caring about folks no matter how hard you try. Because you care. And that is part of your gift… This season has been the best time of my life. Why? Because the sky has been falling and I have been planting seeds.

My own seeds. I have been thinking about what I want to do with this life. Really. What matters to me. Really. And what matters to me is sharing the stories that are in my soul, helping the heal the world country that I’m invested in, and sharing as much Love as I can with the people I love. And receiving Love. I want to have some kids, too. And so, by planting seeds, I mean to figure out what matters to you and start putting energy towards it. The sky will keep falling. Eventually, holding it up won’t be that important to you and you will realize that there are ways to be safe in this world.

I know it might feel like a foreign concept to you – being emotionally safe. It was a foreign concept to me when I first heard it about six months ago. My nervous system was so dysregulated. And I was so used to being that way. I joined a coaching program that’s been helping me. I encourage you to join a program. Get help. Don’t try to get out of this place alone. Get help. Help helps. People with training and experience can offer perspectives you don’t have on your own. I got help. I joined a program that helped me get in touch with my body. It helped me get in touch with my feelings. But mostly, it helped me recognize what my issues were… I was just going from hurt to hurt to hurt. I had taught people to believe that my life force was for them only and if I dared focus on me, I was marked as selfish. People didn’t care about betraying me or hurting me or respecting me or being kind to me… they weren’t even aware of my needs when making decisions that impacted me. But I participated in the creation of those dynamics. I didn’t care about betraying myself or respecting myself or being kind to myself or being aware of my own needs and preferences when making decisions that impacted others… I had spent so much time putting out fires that people really could have put out themselves – enabling others to be assholes and teaching them not to value me – and the coaching program I joined has just been helping me to recognize behavior patterns so that I can change them.

I’m not perfect still and I do believe I’m going to stop aspiring to be so. We get it twisted. We think that self care means you have to be selfish. It doesn’t. You can care about others and care about yourself at the same time. We’re not so used to it, so it’s a practice to be learned. I’m thinking all over the place now.

I just wanted to touch bases with you, World, really, and tell you that I’m all right. I’m better than ever. I’ve been living in my body and healing. I’ve been planting seeds that I want for my life. And the world is still falling apart. Assholes are still being assholes. Some people I love don’t like me and might not ever. And it hurts still. But it doesn’t overpower me like it used to. Some people who were mean are changing and starting to be nice. I don’t trust it fully yet, but I’m willing for action to change my mind. I don’t run from my meltdowns anymore. They happen at least once I week. I face them. I am teaching myself that I’m powerful and able. Power stopped being a dirty word for me. I stopped associating it with being lonely and being a martyr. I learned that it can be a good thing. It can get you out of dark places. I started doing affirmations and then taking action aligned with them. So if I say, “I am powerful”, then I take a powerful action, like writing out a blog even though it makes my back tense up to feel all these emotions. I am powerful, so I can look at my pained back and have my wounds speak to me. They tell me they are afraid to be seen. They tell me people won’t like me. They tell me I am making myself too vulnerable and I don’t know who all is reading this blog. People will judge me… Wow… This is what I came here to unearth. This deep seated fear of being seen.

Because I am powerful, I can bring all my power to the forefront. I can bring all my Love to the table. You see? This is planting seeds. It is about doing something intentional because you want to create something important to you in the midst of the sky falling down. Here I am trying to express myself. And my body wants to explode from resistance and fear. And in the past, it would. And I would get off this blog and shiver and cry and it would be delayed for a month and this message would not come through. But today, this thought is being completed and this blog is being posted. And we will talk to our pain with Love and power and use the tools we’ve learned.

We touch our back with love. We touch our pain with all our power. I can see that you feel pain. I can see you feel afraid. I can see that you feel wounded. What do you need?

-You need me to show up for you. You need my care. You need my attention. You need me to take safe action. You need me to protect you.

Is this blog safe enough? People might judge you. They will. Some people will not like you, even ones you like. Some folks might ask you for stuff if they think you’re doing too well and it might be hard for you to say no. How can I keep you safe from that?

-Protect me, please. Tell me I am good and likable. Give me nutrients to soothe and heal me. Take me around someone who won’t judge me for my pain, please. I know you have excess energy today. Turn it towards the seeds you are planting for us, please. Don’t give it to the mean folks today. I am your wounded self. Your trauma right here lodged deep in these nerves of your back… Please show me that you love me – show me I am safe – by tending to me.

How can I tend to you today?

-Feed me powerful words. Tell me I’m good and worthy of good things. Tell me I’m worthy of healthy love and healing. And what will heal me? You have someone in your life who wants to breathe life into you, but you’ve been scared to accept. Try it out and see. Accept. Help. Today. And take one step towards watering the seeds of stories you have planted. Let’s do those two things first. Bring your power, your soul, God’s soul in you, your strength, and all your Love to the forefront if you get scared. The sky is falling apart. You are falling apart. And you are growing still. We are growing still… Planting seeds.

Day 567

Planting Seeds and Tending Wounds