Birth

Here we go again. So much happens in so short a time that sometimes I annoy myself. But I’ve been wanting to post a blog post for some time. Had a session with my therapy group this early morning at 2:30a. Yep, I’m in a therapy group. It’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I also started my period late last night and couldn’t sleep. Yes, it’s too much information, but if you’re reading this blog, you want to know. I started my period late last night, and a few days prior, I went and got a chiropractic adjustment complete with active release technique disentangling nerve and muscle blocks for the first time in two years. And prior to that, I did a therapeutic process called affirmation breath walk where you breathe and walk and say affirmations at the same time. All four events this week were thoroughly destabilizing.

I also had psychic dreams this week. In my dreams, my ol’ cheating ex’s cheating babes sat down and told me the truth of what really happened with them and my ex. In real life, I reached out to them to confirm my dream, and the truth in my dream was the truth in real life. He was straight up cheating on me with this girl he was calling his friend and telling me the best of lies. He was telling her the best of lies about me, too. And now we know the truth. She knew about me and was ok with me being blind sided by their cheating, but she thought I was the side chick and she was the main chick. She didn’t realize that he was treating me like the main chic and dissing her and lying about his relationship with her.

My ex has been my ex for some months now… In the past few months, an ex from over ten years ago, I’ll him the Opportunist, resurfaced. I needed a friend and in a desperate moment reached out to him. He offered friendship and then got tricky with things, as he’s prone to do, and tried to make me his wife. It all felt so bad in my mouth. I broke up with him – my non boyfriend – as well this week.

On the tail end of so much energetic movement, I had my group therapy session this morning whilst feeling just about every single tingling nerve sensation in my body at the onset of my period. I was in so much pain. I literally couldn’t sleep. My thighs were on fire. My low back was on fire. My womb? I’m surprised an ovary didn’t fall out. I couldn’t get a hold of my emotions. I felt terrified because I knew I was going to have to take quick action and didn’t know what to do. Didn’t feel safe anywhere in the world. Had had a dream life for two weeks. For the past two weeks, I’ve been living a dream reality. Safe. Surrounded by nature. A forest, a lake, deer, birds, light bugs… even stink bugs sending me signs. Spiders, sun, nice people… Nobody telling me to do nothing I don’t want to do and me being able to do exactly what I want to do when I want to do it. Recognizing what’s good for me and being ok with doing what’s good for me. I healed this week. I literally found myself. You know how people say they need to find themselves? Well, I wasn’t thinking I need to find myself. I was thinking I need to get in touch with my Soul. And I did. I courted her. I kept courting her and then, one day, I was deep in meditation, and I found her. And I found myself as well. My innocence. I found my true nature. Innocent Laydie. It was me. I was seventeen. I was ridiculously pure. I am a ridiculously clean hearted person, y’all. So much so that I was easily fooled and fooled and fooled by others because I thought they were clean hearted, too. Until my heart broke. Over and over again. Schemed by the best. Schemed by the worst. Giving my everything to people even when I knew I was being schemed.

Eventually, seventeen retreated. Created a shell over shells over shells. Life has been pain over pain, even before I started writing this blog. So many of the same mistakes over and over. The good news is, I saw the mistakes this time. I saw how I never really asked what was good for me when making choices. Or if I dared to think about what was good for me, I always deferred to what was good for the next person before me, so much so that people were trained to resent me if I dared think about myself. I saw how many people in my life really didn’t like me but felt so comfortable asking me for the deepest stuff that they would never ask anyone else for. It was quite trippy to recognize patterns. I saw how I never really liked most of the guys I dated all the way. Like, even if they had treated me right, I didn’t really want to be with them for one reason or the other. Mostly I just wanted their companionship or I just wanted to be with part of them, and I just wanted to give them part of me. It was very rare that I was interested in going all the way to the point that I could marry someone or have their child. And the few men that I was actually willing to go all the way with were inevitably some stinking cheater with a secret life – some secret wife and kid(s) somewhere – that would never go all the way with me. I would see a room full of eligible, available men and inevitably choose the one whose heart would never be won by me. So I’d either be dating someone who, unbeknownst to me, was already some woman’s man, or I’d be dating someone who I had no plans of ever going all the way with for 3 months, six months, a year, thereby keeping me unavailable to ever even meet someone I could Love.

And so went my Love life. And years passed, surrounded by others but mostly feeling very much alone. Some successes here and there. Went further than whoever wherever. Helped some people here and there. Felt almost none of it. Except the pull. Always felt pulled and out of control by life. Always felt like a victim of this, that and the other. I’m not gonna write a strong woman blog, and tell you how I’m all empowered and no longer a victim anymore, although I am a strong woman. I want to tell you about my period this morning, and all the awful feelings I’ve been feeling and how I melted down with my therapy group and told the truth this morning – that I feel terrified of coming back to the world. That I don’t know what really happened to me, but it feels a bit unfair. Can I say it out loud? It feels a bit unfair that so many painful things have happened. Because I was a really good person. So many people think I have or had bad intent for this, that or the other, but I really don’t. I really didn’t. I hardly ever start an offense. I pray for people’s progress, even the ones that don’t like me.

Oh, but I have been hated by people I love and I have felt it. It’s this mouth of mine. It’s sharp, now. And it’s my only weapon when people come for me. And they hate me because I see straight straight through their bullshit and call them out on it, in places where no one else has… I don’t know if I’m gonna stop that. I kind of like that side of me. I can hear one of my mentors cheering.

So this morning. My body was in excruciating pain. Like, my nerves felt like someone lit a fire on them. Everything was tingling and aching. My thighs, my shoulders, my head, my womb. My womb felt like organs were falling out of me. My mind couldn’t think. I was terrified that my amazing retreat was coming to an end and I was going to have to learn how to be in the world again. I realized where I went wrong. All this time, I didn’t have anyone with me. I mean, I can’t say it like that. I’ve had many people with me who have supported me and given me money and help get me out of binds. I don’t know how to explain it. I have had much help, but I have felt mostly by myself on my own journey. Us humans are interesting… That way of being just wasn’t going to work moving forward. Something in my Spirit knows it can’t work. It’s maybe not about needing someone to help you with stuff. It’s about Love. You need someone to Love. You need someone to share smiles and joy and goodwill with. Someone who you can Love as well. Someone who will receive your goodness and give you smiles and goodness back. Someone who is not going to do you too dirty, or at least say sorry and try and change behavior if you let them know they hurt you. Someone who will let you know when you hurt them and give you a chance to say sorry and change behavior instead of just holding it and holding it against you. You need a with. When I say you, I mean me. It doesn’t even have to be a man. I don’t mean gay stuff. I just mean that everyone needs someone to Love and be Loved by. That’s what my seventeen told me today.

My heart had been so, so broken, especially since last year. So, back to this morning again. I realized I need to be doing life with someone I can Love fully, someone(s) I can align with, someone(s) who actually likes me and wants to be around me not just for what I can do for them. Someone who is interested in breathing life into me in the ways that I need and someone willing to accept support and Love and life breathed into them from me. Someone aligned and compatible. I had done all the work. I had literally gone in meditation to every blessed man I had dated in my life, and to all my relations, family, and friends, and mended, reconciled, forgiven, taken back my energy and given folks back theirs… But there was no one on the horizon that I could think of who could really be that person I needed. There was no one quite interested in living the way I wanted to live… Not many who respected me or my way, although they stayed coming to me for advice and support and comfort. How was I supposed to live in this world by myself? How am I supposed to live in this world by myself? How am I so by myself?

The fear of being back in the world took me over and my body and emotions acted a fool this morning in my therapy meeting. Had a meltdown. The tingles. Do you want to hear something? As I am writing, I feel the tingles in my right thigh. Here’s the interesting part, though. I think they are on the way out. I think these painful tingles have been lodged in my body as vibration for quite some time and I have finally accessed them. They are the pent up trauma and stress responses that I never released. And they are releasing now.

What I wanted to say about my period is that it hurt so much today that I recognized that I might be coming to a time where my periods will be ending soon. And if I want to have a baby, I need to have one soon, because one day, maybe one day soon, one of my periods will be my last period, and I’d be so devastated if I never had a child… I will reach out and let others know – others who can help me – about my intention. It’s time. It’s finally, finally time to have and be my healing. Can you believe it’s never been real until now? The thought of actually making my movies and projects has never been real until now. It’s just been some someday, maybe dream somewhere. Now it’s real. It’s urgent now. I used to want to do these things because they were exciting, not because I was worried about failing. Like, I used to Love these things. I used to Love telling stories. I used to Love helping people. I Love having fun with others. Indeed, I am like an innocent little kid when I am my real self.

So, what’s this blog post about? First of all, I’m gonna post it no matter what it’s about. It’s about me deciding, finally, to let go of trauma and drama. It’s about letting the shakes pass through. It’s about finally, finally, pulling down a dream and planting it on Earth. It’s about living wholeheartedly. My whole heart was missing from everything. Nothing had all of me in it for a long time. And now it was time to call all of me back home. Take me back from all the mens. Take me back from the unresolved issues with friends. Take me back from family dynamics that were not founded and grounded in Love and good will. And let them go. Let them be. Let them free. Anyone who was not aligned. We will meet again where the Love is. This blog post is about me making a decision to Love wholeheartedly, even now. Especially now. It doesn’t mean letting people hurt you or disrespect you. Wholehearted and Safe. You understand? There is a way to be safe in the world, y’all. I know it may seem impossible if you’ve been really hurt for a long time or if someone betrayed you deep or if your whole identity has been shattered. And I understand. I understand you want to withdraw. I understand you don’t want to be open and risk being hurt again. I understand you only want to go for the things you think won’t make you feel too vulnerable. I understand if you fell too many times and stopped dreaming or trying to get back up. I understand. You were not safe. I don’t blame you… But there is a way out. You have to make your own self safe. You have to say fuck everybody else if they are hurting you and won’t stop after you’ve given them a chance. They are hurting you, you understand. Don’t let them gaslight you. Your feelings are real and valid. Shoot, you might be crazy or have PTSD or adjustment disorder or broken mind parts and all that is valid, too. They are hurting your PTSD behind, and no, it’s not your fault that you have PTSD or you’ve been broken and you’re sensitive. The same folks that are still hurting you are probably the ones who gave you those issues through their hurt or neglect or abuse. It’s their fault that they won’t respect that you have PTSD and treat you with the care that a PTSD person needs… Don’t let anyone blame you for feeling hurt. You know what hurt is and you know what Love is. Everybody knows what the energy of Love is and all you have to do is ask yourself “Is this coming from Love?” if you are confused…

That’s what I want to say. If they ain’t researching your condition, asking you how or why you feel how you feel, but just got a lot of judging and attacking, put them in time out. That is how you keep yourself safe. Time out for attackers. You say no to them. It’s gonna be hard at first, especially if people are used to you being their doormat. People are gonna talk about you. The ones you love are gonna say and to the meanest things to you. They might. They might try and manipulate you in the worst of ways. And you might see some ugly, ugly truths. When you see how dark people can be and how far they can go, forgive them. And forgive yourself, too, for how dark you can be and how far you can go. And then decide what you can put up with. Decide what’s good for you. This is the self Love people talk about. It’s as simple as choosing to do what’s good for you. Why wouldn’t you? Why would you choose to do what’s good for someone else instead of what’s good for you? Why would someone who claims to love you want you to do as much? Why wouldn’t you both try and respect each other and do what is good for the both of you? That is Love. But many of us haven’t been taught that way. We are not well trained in Loving. So, now is the time to train yourself. Start with yourself. When you are making choices towards you and towards others, ask your own self, “Is this coming from Love?”

And heal, OK? It’s gonna take some intention to get over every assh*le who f*cked you over. But you have to do it. Why? Because it’s getting in the way of you. Those bitter things are blocking your Love from shining. It doesn’t mean you don’t have to give justice where justice is due. It doesn’t mean you don’t hold folks accountable. All of that fake forgiveness is just the same as holding bitterness. Hold folks accountable. Tell them “You f*ucked me over and I’m not interested in trusting you again until you demonstrate through action that you are interested in doing things that make you trustworthy”. But leave it there. You don’t have to hate them. They can be happy with other people. They can have a good life even if they never tell you sorry. That’s a hard one for me. It feels unfair, and doggone it, it is. But what is even more unfair is if they hurt your ass and then to add insult to injury you keep blocking your blessings because your energy is all negatively tied up with needing them to get retribution before you can feel good. Feel good without them having to pay for anything. It’s a practice. Imagine they are you. We are really all One. Imagine they are your hip. It has hurt you indeed and made some dumb choices over and over, constantly stopping you from moving forward and constantly asking you for shit. But you can’t beat it up because its failed you. You still have to Love it, because it’s a part of you and that Love is the only thing that will make anything flow. If you start focusing on retaliation or needing someone to do or be something, you suffer. Your heart closes up. Your focus is nowhere leading anywhere towards the life you want to have for yourself. So, if you find yourself rolling your eyes because some asshole who did you dirty is smiling or something, just stop. Stop rolling your eyes and say, “I wish you what I wish for myself”. This ain’t for everyone. This practice is for who it’s for.

The innocents who lost their way because of asshole motherfuckers. If you feel like you want to retaliate, retaliate by not letting them take the best of you on top of everything else. Don’t let them take your innocence. Don’t let them take your clean heart. Keep Loving them. Look at them like silly kids with tricks and keep yourself safe. Stand up for yourself.

And when you learn to stand up for yourself, you will learn how to start to craft a new life. You will start to trust your own self. It’s not about being selfish, but it’s about standing up for what’s good for you, whilst loving who you want to love fully, too. That’s what’s new here. That is my experiment on life. I’m giving up my attachment to pain and crying. Me and seventeen have found each other. I’m relying on her and my old, wise self that can smell a liar a mile away, to trust ourselves now and guide my way on. Here’s to a new life. Here’s to giving birth…

xx

Birth