Day 559 – All The Things

Let me get to the truth of it. The root of it. I’ve been sitting here most of the day sick of myself. Well, it started that way, but didn’t end there. I threw a pity party, but I don’t want to start there. I want to start where I am: with something on my heart to share. Fully Safe.

I was trying to get to the root of it. Trying to see if there was anything in my life that I wanted fully; if there was anyone in my life that I wanted fully. I was trying to see if I could feel my heart again. And I had all this stuff to do, but I didn’t care about it. And I have all these options of people to be around, but nothing really lit me up except My People, but he didn’t choose me, so he wasn’t an option.

But do you know why My People lit me up? Because he was safe. Because he’s never hurt me. Because he has always appreciated every good thing I’ve given, even if it was only a smile and never demanded things of me that would hurt me if I gave. He’s never betrayed me and he always celebrates my wins wholeheartedly and sympathizes with me for my losses. I am alive with him and unashamed of my bigness. It doesn’t make him feel insecure or inadequate or jealous. I don’t have to hide when good things happen to me for fear that he’s gonna start asking me for shit or resenting me because good things are happening and I’m not giving all my blood to him. He gives me more good things when good things happen and reminds me that I deserve good things..

Sone guys just came into the business lounge. They were in here earlier smoking and talking about exploiting diamonds from this country. People are always talking about exploiting this country, but I digress. They are taking my attention. I want to write what was in my heart before my attention goes away to other things. Side bar. I am living in a hotel where government officials pass by often. They sit in this business lounge and talk about crooked deals and other things. They are here smoking now and doing drugs and I will have to leave soon.

But I had something to share with you and I want to get it out before I leave. It is about fully. I searched my heart. It was out of service… Yesterday I went swimming in the ocean. I don’t want to put that on my blog – let me tell you about my life – I don’t want to talk about what a good day I had on my blog because people I know read this blog and people I don’t know read this blog. And some people will get very mad and upset if they hear that I used my time and my money to do something that brings me joy instead of using my time and my money to do something for them or do something that they think I’m supposed to be doing at this moment. So I hide sometimes when I am happy. I hesitate to post happy pictures or say that I am well. Because it feels like a free-for-all for everyone to come asking for shit or demanding that I do whatever they think is important for my life.

They don’t get it. I didn’t get it until right this moment to be honest. What I need and what I want is to be well. You understand? More than well. I need my heart to work. That is my superpower. It has been out of service for far too long. I need to feel safe in this world. I haven’t felt safe in so, so long. Can I tell you what happened? Can I tell you what came to me in deep meditation just now? I haven’t been doing anything fully for a long, long time. Been halfway in it. Partially in it. Not all the way in love with anyone. Not all the way into any endeavor. Sometimes all the way for reasons I don’t know. I was all the way into the farm when I started it. I don’t know if I have ever been all the way into any creative endeavor besides the first draft of my horror script, one of my songs and also all the way into a poem I wrote for a talent show and some pf my other poems… The point isn’t to get down on myself for my lack of all-the-way-ness, though. My point was to actually be aware of what was going on.

I walked away from myself. I haven’t been into it. I haven’t been into this life for a long, long time. I’ve just been struggling and feeling unsafe everywhere. And I’ve had my reasons, you know. I’ve been unsafe. I don’t want to go through my life and start blaming and naming, but my little sensitive ass has mostly been unsafe in this here body for a long, long time. Ugly and unwanted. Pretty and wanted to be used. Quiet and ignored. Vibrant and envied. Not really knowing how to change much… Wanting so badly to be Loved and approved of and accepted and safe to express my real self and understood and seen as good and given compassion and arms… Benn wanting arms for so long, but they never came. And never really able to find others who appreciate just what I am giving as is, either. No matter how much blood I give, they always act like I ain’t give shit and ask for more.

So my message. What came to me. First, it was an awareness of the issue. The issue was that I was not fully into anything at all in my life. I was half-assing it all. There was nothing that excited me. No one that excited me. Not even my own self. Secondly, my heart was out of service. It just wasn’t working. I didn’t love anything anymore. I didn’t love anyone any more. My heart was super broken with no hope of being healed.

So what was the solution? I’ve been praying all day long, y’all. And the first step was to get my heart in order. The truth is, it doesn’t take too long. These changes take seventeen seconds. What takes longer is practicing so that our bodies and our minds and our environments believe that we have changed. But opening my heart doesn’t take too long. So I sat there. I had to get over the bitters and get over hating people and recognize that even evil asses are not in their real selves… Oh. That’s what I came to as well. I was judging myself and calling myself all these names and thinking of the ways others had judged me and expectations and blah blah blah and finally I said f*ck that shit. That’s not me. That’s not the truth of who I am. And I had to let it go. And forgive my own self. Even if I had shown my ass from time to time. It wasn’t just because. It was because someone was making me feel unsafe. And most people are like that. Some are bigger assholes than others. But most are walking around with all these false personalities built off of defense mechanisms just trying to survive in this world.

Doesn’t mean you should ignore how people behave. Believe them. But there was space for forgiveness and compassion for myself and others today. And somewhere in that space, I felt my heart. I actually felt all of the hearts of the hearts I had broken over the years. All these men. I was sorry. Most of them never had a chance since First Love. I wasn’t fully into them. I wasn’t even fully in my body. There was nothing they could do to win me over, except offer a safe space like My People did. But some of them did Love me. Some of them did try. They just weren’t good enough and I wasn’t aware enough to realize as much before we all got in too deep. And hearts were broken. Yes. I said they weren’t good enough. This is something from today as well. I’ve always felt like I can’t use those words. Like everyone is good enough. Like everyone has access to my everything because that’s the humble way to be. But it’s not true. Everyone will not take care of you in the ways you need, even if they want to. Everyone isn’t able. It’s just what it is. Some people are more sensitive. Some people are more kind. Some people are more loving. Some are more creative. Some are more vibrant. Some are more intelligent. Some are more stable. Some are more cool. Some are more disciplined, responsible, patient, etc etc. And we all need different things. And we all give different things.

I went to the ocean yesterday with a young guy who did everything that my now exboyfriend never did in eight months of dating. It’s just how Youngin’s made. He danced with me because he wanted to. He admired me and vocalized it. He went in the ocean with me impromptu because I wanted to and kept me safe. He was polite to waiters. He held my hand. He asked about my life and was interested in hearing what I had to say. He appreciated my singing and asked me to sing more. He expressed himself truthfully… It was enough. it was what I needed at the time, and it’s ok to realize that. It doesn’t mean ex doesn’t have great qualities. He does. He has qualities that Youngin doesn’t. But at this particular junction in time, I really, really, really needed someone around me who had an open heart…

Back to my point. My heart opened in my meditations today, and the way to opening was through forgiveness and compassion, for both myself and others. I felt. I feel. I was aware of a part of me unaffected by the disillusionment of life, and I asked it to guide me. I asked it to help me find something or someone that I could be fully into, so I could stop half assing my life, And heart did a good job. There was really no one – not. here in this country. There were a handful of people who lit me up when I thought about seeing them. None of them were the men I’m dating. The men I’d been dating and considering partially made me a little interested, but not really. Not fully. Hesitation and half-stepping all over the place. My spirit and heart were telling me that I need something to get fully into, even if it was a small thing.

So I looked at other life stuff besides my relationships. Career? Could I get excited about writing stuff and making stuff? Nope. What about a farm and a business and healing and helping the world? Nope. Boring. Why?… And then I found it. None of it felt safe. I only believed that I’d be more burdened, more unsafe, less loved, less taken care of, more alone, more overwhelmed, more pressured in the world of work… What I wanted was to be safe. I wanted God to tell me that if I got out there in the world and took on life fully, people wouldn’t hate me. My family wouldn’t come for blood and hate me if I didn’t give it nonstop to my detriment. I wanted to know that I would have friends and be able to find a lover just as big – bigger – than me who could be my “with”, but God wouldn’t give me that reassurance.

I decided not to do anything. it didn’t make sense. This is a new realization. I actually read about it in my Oneness book, but now I am experiencing it. It didn’t make sense to do anything if I wasn’t do it fully. I know, that’s not how our world is set up. We’re supposed to do what we’re supposed to do to get by in life, but it doesn’t work for me. it hasn’t worked for me. Half assed efforts, half-assed intentions, half-assed feelings give half assed results. I know this. So I didn’t want to move until I could find something in me that wasn’t half assed.

And I found a little voice in me that said it wanted to be safe. I know it sounds all abstract, but that’s what I could get into fully. I fully wanted to be safe in this doggone world. I wanted to be able to be myself without being hurt all the time and sad all the time. I wanted to be able to smile and be happy for real without people coming for me. I wanted to be able to make mistakes and be able to do things better without being demonized. I wanted to be safe to love somebody, anybody, who wouldn’t hurt me when I’m vulnerable. And sure a farm and movies and whatever else and heal the world, but none of it was interesting to me if it meant that I’d be hurting and struggling all the time. Yes, I said struggling. I know that is taboo as well and paint me lazy if you want. But struggle is for the birds. Work is fine, but struggle? I don’t believe in its value anymore. Strength? Yes. Power? Yes. Tenacity? Yes. Some of that might include struggle, but we have been programmed to seek out struggle as if it’s a good thing.

So the question was, how to be safe? And y’all, the answer was so cliche. Step into your power, strength, love, joy, personality, talent, sexuality, grief, sorrow, feelings, wounded parts, softness, kindness, masculinity, femininity, intelligence… EMBODY… OWN… take responsibility, that yucky phrase… take responsibility for being your whole self. A catch 22. Being yourself fully would make you safe to be yourself fully in the world. That was the message for me. I don’t know if it’s for you, so if it’s not, don’t take it, but I think it’s for somebody. They said I was bigger than the monsters, but not if I don’t shine. I’ve heard it before, but I heard it today. Radiate. Radiate what? Everything. Who you are. You understand? You’re not by yourself in this Earth game. This Earth school. This Earth test…

I am thinking of she who comes with her own things, Ntozake Shange, and how I never understood her name until now. She Who Comes With Her Own Things came with all her things to Tanzania. She left legacy for us In Colored Girls and the message was our wholeness. She barked down predators with cigarette in hand and was brave enough to pamper her skin. All your things are sacred. Bring them to the alter and be Blessed. Use them and Be Blessed…

Ameen.

Day 559

All The Things