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Day 540 – Identity Shift (Dance of the Butterfly)

September 14, 2020

I feel like I am different. Good morning. I have been away long. In a chrysalis of love. I came back out to the world a little over a week ago. I was horrified. It was as I left it, so very harsh and mean, but I had changed.

And I am navigating better now, although I still have tears. My eleven-year-old self is so hurt and afraid and she is counting on the grown up part of me to be a magician and lead the way to a better experience of life.

Somebody broke my heart – again – and I saw it. I saw it at last. The pattern. The pattern of my relational life that I have been living and reliving over and over again since eleven. Maybe before eleven, but eleven is when I remember it. The unwanted but always wanted to be used girl. The disrespected and betrayed one who is so special, but never chosen. The one no one says thank you to, but always wants to be in their space, contributing to their well being. The one is is treating with such biting, uncharacteristic meanness. And the one who is so easily left, whose feelings never quite matter much when decisions affecting her are made. The one who is hurt on purpose. Resented in fact. For not doing everything that is wanted of me in ways that are usually wanted of me without me ever being told what’s truly wanted of me (because if anyone said it out loud, it would just be too embarrassing) and punished for not giving to others what they would never fathom giving to me. This is a sad story. And I don’t want your pity. Well, maybe I do. But in my story, I usually don’t get pity…

I don’t know where I’m going with this. I’m feeling my feelings today and being honest. My grown self had a talk with… Somebody just messaged me DISRESPECTING ME!!!!!! Lawdamercy. Lawdamercy. Lawdamercy. Lord have mercy on me! Let me tell you what I feel like. The front of my head hurts and my eyes are a bit foggy. I kind of want to punch something. My shoulders are tensing up. The back of my head has a spot where hair falls out when I’m stressed. The spot is tingling. This is how it feels when the hair is deciding if it wants to stay or go. I am not thinking about the highest possible result for all concerned. Anger is consuming me…

I used to play a game with my nephew to teach him about his emotions. We would say “angry” and frown our faces. Then we would say “happy” and smile, and so forth and so on… Then when he finally understood what emotions meant, when he felt certain things, he would say the emotion name. So when he would be frustrated, he’d say “angry” and frown his face up. That’s how I’m feeling now. Angry. So angry. So sick and effin angry. And so mad at my own self. This is the life I’ve set up for myself? This is the nature of my relationships? I’m so sorry, my eleven year old baby. You thought that I’d do better for you. You thought that it would be better by now. I’m so sorry I didn’t find you places of love. I’m so sorry I surrounded you with people who took you for granted, disrespected, used and abused you for so long. I’m so sorry that you haven’t felt what it feels like to matter in so long. To be considered. To be taken care of. You haven’t known what it’s like to have your feelings protected on purpose.

It hasn’t been all bad, has it? No, it hasn’t. There have been exquisite moments of connection and love. There have been moments of deep kindness and support. You have had champions all along the way. And don’t get it twisted. You have done well, too, my baby. You have helped so many people break free in their lives. You have loved deeply and reset hearts. You have inspired many with your bravery and tenacity and your relentless pursuit of a good life, of the life of your dreams…

-Wise one, you have opened up the anger at last. You have felt the offense. Feel it as it blazes through your body on your way to freedom. You have spoken the Truth to the ones who need to hear it and you have done your part. Job well done. Release the need to be wrong or right. Release the need to control. These are silly battles…

Y’all, somebody messaged me again with some nonsense! Lover. Messaging me with some bull shit because now he realizes he doesn’t have someone in his life that’s gonna just pour all the love she can pour into him and help guide and nurture him into getting his life right. I just finished doing a meditation exercise from this program call Positive Intelligence by Shirzad Chamine…

I do believe this is the moment. I’m not going to edit this entry. This is what it looks like to break through and be intentional and make a choice in the midst of an emotional overhaul. This is me tapping into all that I know. What I know is that these angry feelings could possibly take me down a very bad road, which would involve me cussing people out, hurting people, getting all depressed, not doing what I intended to do for the day, curling up in a ball in my bed, interfacing with some equally miserable person whom I wouldn’t normally talk to if I was feeling good, damaging relationships… all of that could happen if I don’t do something on purpose. Right now. In this moment. I am going to stop the avalanche. Well, I can’t really stop the avalanche. It has already started and so I just need to let it pass through. I had been trying to stop it for a long time, and that was not the answer. The answer is, let it pass through and get out of its way. So I’m going to try a thing. I am going to let all this anger be unleashed. It’s a lot. It comes from places that I don’t even know. I have been feeling offended, and trying not to feel offended for a long, long, long, very long time. And all of these negative emotions have built into a huge boulder that I have been trying to keep at bay. And it has been straining me and draining me and pulling all my subconscious focus, to try and not feel these pains. And my energy has been stagnant, wrapped up in all this pain. And now I see it. Huge. This monumental feeling. This fire. I must embody my bigger self to make it through this test. Test is what it feels like. Have we learned anything from all of this?

This is the time now to show what I know. This is the climax of my story. This is the battle scene. And after this is surmounted, in this day, we can finally write a new book. The tragedy can be over. In fact, it doesn’t have to be a tragedy. It can be a hero’s journey, full of redemption and reconciliation with a sequel or sequels full of adventures and love and journeys that start off with the foundation of all we have learned and become.

And so, in this moment, I am choosing. Yep. I am choosing. Not choosing not to be mad. Not choosing to repress or surprise. Not even choosing to give someone what they’re asking for. In this moment, I am choosing to feel what I feel and point my arrow. Point my arrow towards where I want to be and where life is taking me. Know that this avalanche is clearing out the land at last. Your destination has been made clear to you from long ago, and you have finally, finally, finally started walking and embracing. Now, in the midst of this upheaval, see the power you have bound up in boulders and bring it back to you. You know how to do this. You always have. After the avalanche is the purifying flow of the river, rushing you, carrying you, pushing you to your destination. Let go now. It’s time. Let go now. It’s time. Let go now. It’s time. Let go of this old identity. You have died to it long ago and have been carrying around a corpse. Let go now. Bless it. It has kept you alive. Thank it. It has helped you to survive the wars and traumas you have wallowed through. But that old corpse of yours is not made to thrive. You have butterflied already and now you must act like it. You have butterflied, baby. You have butterflied..

And this part, this new adventure is not about fighting and winning and losing and healing and responding to all that is out there. This part is about letting things go. Let everything go that would weigh you down. Flying high, high, high, high, high. Creating beauty. Being beauty. Being light. Sharing the very best of all your magnificent colors. Honoring the ugliness that birthed you. Do you see how I have been giving you clues all along? Do you see how I have been with you all along? You can do this, Laydie. You can go down the destined road. You are tired of anger now. I know. You can pray for them, too. They are all a part of you. You’ve read so many books. You’ve gotten so many hints. You can do this, Laydie… I will have to let go of the need to always be right. The need to be approved of and accepted. Oh, this is the biggest gift I can give to myself. I will have to accept my very own self and see me as good. So very good. So very good. So very worthy. And see my fellow beings as such, too. I will have to take on the posture of someone worthy and the walk of someone embodying peace. Peace doesn’t mean look the other way or ignore the nastiness of this world. Peace is a position. Goodwill is an intention. They are embodiments that change the very cells in our bodies…

And so… Do you see the magic has happened already? Do you see how we have shifted from anger to intention. This is the practice of the butterfly. The magician. The alchemist. The healer. the Lover. The goddess that you truly are. Practice and soon it will become your life. The worthy One, Laydie. The cared for. The considered. The lifted up. The treated with kindness woman. The Loved. The shar-er. The one who is shared with. The accepted. The appreciated. The bringer of goodness and goodwill. The recipient of goodness and goodwill. This is who you are now. It is who you have always been. See it in your fellow beings and watch how your world shifts. Give them the gift I have given you. Use your wisdom now. Use your power now. Use your beauty now. Use your brilliance now. Use your talent now. Use it to create a better world than you have ever known… Celebrate a joyous life. For you and all of us, the intertwined…

Ameen.

Day 540
Identity Shift (Dance of the Butterfly)

From → Identity Shift

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