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Day 539 – Bad, Safe and OK

August 4, 2020

My family has this thing about being bad. It’s a word with us. We are always trying to be good, and by extension, judging others, consciously or subconsciously, for being bad. Bad can be lazy, a whore, sick, wrong religion, wrong lifestyle, too much money, not enough money, smiling too much, not smiling enough, friendly and loose, not friendly enough, etc. etc.

Last night I had a dream about my disappearing sister. She disappeared from our family because she thought our family had started a conspiracy, where we were gossiping about her and saying she was bad and everyone should stay away from her and be careful around her because she was practicing the wrong religion. She thought I started the whole thing. It never happened. Before this whole conspiracy theory, at some point, she and I were out in the ocean snorkeling. She swims like a fish and I swim like a tortoise. I was exhausted, but trying to keep up with her energy because I wanted to spend time with her and she wanted to do the snorkeling thing. At some point, she invited us to go snorkel deep into the ocean. I had a bad feeling about it and said we shouldn’t go. She persisted and said she wanted to go and I told her I wasn’t going, but I would stand watch for her and make sure she doesn’t die. It was a joke, but I was serious. I wasn’t going out there, but I would make sure nothing happened to her if she went. She went. Lo and behold, right as she started swimming in the direction she wanted to go, a huge storm started in the ocean. In the ocean. It was the scariest thing. Both of us hurried and got out of there.

I didn’t know it at the time, but that incident broke her heart. She thinks I’m psychic. I am kind of psychic sometimes, for what it’s worth. Not really psychic, I’m just super sensitive and I pay attention to energy and feelings. So, my sister thought that I knew a storm was coming. She thought that I knew that if she went that direction, that she would be hit by a storm and drown. She thought that I sat up there in the ocean, and was willing to let her go on a suicide mission and let her die. Because I think she’s bad. It’s a bit far fetched, but hey, that’s what happened.

So, in my dream, a thought manifested. What kind of a horrible person would I have to be to let my sis go drown in an ocean? In reality, she thinks I’m bad. Awful, actually. ‘Cus regular people just don’t sit there and let people die in oceans, not even their enemies. This concept of being bad runs deep.

It’s a message that has been subconsciously or explicitly stated throughout my life. My bestie brother literally stopped talking to me when I was eleven because I kissed a boy. I didn’t know why he had decided to just not talk to me, but at some point, when my mom forced a meeting and discussion and asked him why he wasn’t talking to me, he said, “because she’s bad and she likes boys.” He wasn’t even trying to hurt me. According to whatever understanding of whatever religion, I was a nonbeliever and not to be associated with. Last night, I saw said brother. I went to the ER because my head and scalp were hurting really bad. He met me there. We talked before parting and he said that he thought my head issues were caused by stress. That he finds that certain issues are caused by thoughts. I might want to investigate my meditations, he said and/or pay attention to the oils I use. I had used some oil at his place to steam my face when Covid hit – lemongrass. My eyes were getting red, pink eye I think, and I read somewhere that lemongrass could help resolve it. The next day a spider showed up at his place. He thought the oils brought it. So he recommended that I examine my meditations (don’t ask me what meditations because I don’t know and neither does he) and stop using whatever oils because maybe they’re bringing bugs around that are biting my head. My translation: stop doing your bad stuff, whatever religious stuff you’re doing that’s not my religion. He then invited me to come stay with him and have a bit of a vacation.

Could I tell him how much the stuff he says hurts? He wouldn’t understand. I tried to tell him once and he said I’m not a baby and he’s not going to stop telling me the truth just to spare my feelings, because maybe one day it will resonate and get through. Something about it feels like abuse. I can’t put my finger on it. But something about him always makes me feel like I’m being punched or put down. Not good. Like I am not good. I feel it to.

My sister, too. She is angry with me. She Loves me to death, but she’s mad at me. For not being awesome. For not being the hero. For not saving everyone’s life, including my own, all the time. Disappointed. I told her that I had gone to the heart of the jungle, literally, transformed a community, held court with chiefs with machetes, slept in a bed with my mom for months and planted over 1000 cacao trees, sourcing support out of my butt, and her response was, “why didn’t I do more? Start a film school and make a movie, too?” Followed by acknowledging that I had done what no one else was able to. But the acknowledgement didn’t feel celebratory. It just didn’t. But I know she’s happy for me and she’s proud of me and she Loves me more than most…

I’m processing my feelings. Almost scared to write because I’m afraid someone will read this and call me bad. Do you see how crazy this is? I feel afraid to write about the real stuff. The deep stuff. Because I think it might cause some backlash or break up some relationships or someone will say I’m just looking for pity and actually say I’m the bad one, some way, some how in all these situations.

But I’m writing today because I’m sick of this shit. Yep. Shit. I said shit. Shit to the shit shit fuckity fuck. If I am bad, indeed, then what should we do about it? That’s another poem. Bad. Put on the list of poems unwritten because someone asked me when I was gonna write happy poems, but I didn’t have any happy poems, so I stopped sharing poems and writing them because I didn’t want to offend anyone with all my sadness and badness.

But it hasn’t served me. Trying to be good hasn’t served me. The people I am trying for don’t think I’m good anyway. A trip to visit a sister becomes a ploy to let her die and slander her character. A visit to brother is an entry of stress into his life. A heroes journey to build community is just not good enough, or too soon, or an offense to someone’s ego… Sacrifices for friends out of Love are interpreted as self-abuse and codependency…

I have been quarantined up in my house, for about two and half months, going through the shits, processing the shits, and feeling everything. Every single thing that has passed through my body and through my awareness. Losing my mind. Losing my hair. And now I would like to say fuck you to this part of my life. Yep. Fuck You. That’s how I really feel about it. Nope. Don’t want to say thank you for lessons. Don’t want to release with peace and a prayer. Don’t want to make any of it mean anything amazing. I want it to die. Go to fuck shit hell… I don’t know if I’m gonna publish this, lol. Y’all ain’t ready for these harsh feelings. Lol. I think I will publish, though.

I would like this part of my life to take a back seat to good now. Like, now. Now. Today. Right now. If I am bad, if people think I am bad, and even if it’s not just people, like, if it’s really true. If I’m annoying, controlling, picked the wrong religion, irresponsible, not living up to my potential, make bad choices, don’t show up for people at the level they want, non committal, selfish, self-absorbed, what else, pathetic, victim, blamey blamer, self -righteous (those are all for you, Red Feather. I read your mind), weak, despicable, want more than I give, always thinking about what I don’t have, ungrateful, if I’m just too damn lucky and I don’t deserve it… If I am all those things, than what am I gonna do about it? Should I ignore my good sides and pray to be redeemed of it all so that finally I will be good enough to be loved and accepted? Should I lean in to all the evil and really show people what it means to be bad on purpose? Should I forgive myself over and over again and write positive things about myself until I can at least imagine they are true and write about boundaries and divorce everyone who doesn’t like me, even if it means I end up all alone, lol? Should I just wallow in hopelessness and stay stuck in my room forever, like I’ve been doing, so nothing can hurt me again?

How can I be free when I’m carrying around all this badness and how can I possibly have the courage to feel safe in the world after all of the pain I’ve experienced just for being myself, mostly not trying to hurt people on purpose… I’m tempted not to post this blog. I sound a bit like a jerk… Sometimes I am a jerk. Can I be ok with that? I think that is what this posting is about. That’s what I’m processing as I’m realizing that I have been stuck in this place for far too long because it is safe here. It’s not rewarding to be on a constant treadmill. But it’s safe. If I don’t fall in Love or be in relationship, no one can hurt me anymore. If I don’t finish my projects, I don’t have to worry about them being rejected or the pressure and the judgement and demands and jealousy that will come if/when I have more money and notoriety. I feel afraid to be happy. Feel like people will come for me.

Something in me knows that I can break free of all of this. That if I choose, then, like magic, my life will transform, and because I know this, I choose nothing. Why am I so resistant to getting out of this place? Why do I not feel good about my own power and why do I choose not to use it for the good of me? Is it because I think I’m bad? Is it because something deep in me is out of agreement with anything good? I fear a real choice for myself. I defer to confusion and helplessness. I’m spilling the tea today. The question is, what am I gonna do about it?

Am I really gonna stay here forever? Writing sad blogs and being sick and lonely and mad at everyone, including myself, and letting life pass me by, regretting much? I keep thinking that I need help, and my Spirit tells me that I have all the help I need. And I know it. Yet still, there is conflict around this Truth. To accept it… to accept this kind of luck and freedom, feels like blasphemy.

-Accept Being Bad. Accept Being Good. Accept Being Safe. Accept Being Unsafe. Accept Action. Accept Sitting Still. Accept Being Ugly and Unwanted. Accept Being Desired and Beautiful. Accept Their Judgments. Accept Your Own Non-judgment. Accept that you are the hero. Accept other heroes. Hold on to control. Release control. And finally, accept that you know what to do and how to be and how to get out of here. Are you ready? Choose. Yep. Choose.

Dare. To. Choose. Dare to Use Your Power for Yourself, even as all parts of you scream and flail blasphemy. Dare to allow them to judge you but you don’t judge them. Dare to be better than them. Ummm hmmm. Better. And worse. Dare to be worse then them. And be OK with both. Don’t judge you. Don’t sentence yourself to prison or hell or a room. Don’t demand Heaven, either, or success. Or Love.

You. Know. How. To. Do. This. Laydie. Just accept it now. Or would you rather just keep life out there as a fantasy, like the glass shop owner in The Alchemist? It’s OK if that is your choice, but let it be your choice. Would you rather bring the fantasy into you and see what happens next? You don’t know. I won’t tell you. Yes, you could die. That is a possibility. Yes, you could fail, but you have failed already and deemed yourself a failure more than once. Yes, you could be awful and they would hate you, but they think you are awful already. What is there to lose except for all of your identity? Haha. What a thrill! And you say you are no longer a thrill seeker, and We know. You are an adventurer embarking upon uncharted territory.

Let’s not make this just a motivational blog, something to feel good about. Feel bad if you do. But feel. Let’s make a choice. In fact, a commitment. I want you to go in the world with your hair falling out and choose, commit to Love anyway. Love yourself anyway. This is not everyone’s mission, but it’s yours, Laydie. Love yourself anyway. Love yourself because of it. Love yourself because you have chosen to stay in this excruciating experience called humanness. Love yourself even if the experience is easy. Love yourself because it’s easy. Or because it’s hard. Because you did a bad ass job at being bad. Or being good. Because you honored who you are. You are honorable.

If you need to start with the self help or the self talk or the mental stuff, then that’s fine. Start where you need to start. But you have advanced past that, Laydie. You can start at the root. At the real Source of all of this. It’s choice. Choice, surrender, acceptance, intention, practice. That is your religion. Choose to be Yourself now. Choose to align your will with the will of Creation and see a greater life than you could even fathom… Watch… Take it off this blog today. Today. Today. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Take it out of your mind today and put. this. in. to. practice. now. Now. Today. Today. Today.

And be OK. This will be different. Feeling OK will be different than anything you’ve felt in a while. BE OK with it. Remind yourself that it’s OK to be OK. Get used to it. You can get used to it. I can get used this. I can get used to this. I can get used to this…

Ameen

Day 539
Bad, Safe and OK

From → moving on

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