518 – A Lucky Posture (Accepting Luck)

I just read one of my recent posts – “The Way Forward”. It was good. I am sitting here in my sister’s house. My rich sister. I have a rich sister. She is out of town and I am here.

Synchronicity had its way again, and I came to visit her right at a time when she would have wanted a family member around to help watch her kids. So I’m here. The kids are all right. They are at school and daycare. I am ni a spacious room and in the energy of a home where people have learned to be ok with having money. It’s a big deal. It’s an energy.

Everyone can’t hold it. Everyone is not ok with it. My sis has her own challenges in life, but being able to hold and have money is not one of them. I am glad and grateful to be in her home. I am glad and grateful to have this moment to sit still before I move on to whatever is next in life.

I am feeling lucky, and trying very hard to be ok with feeling and/or being lucky. Lucky because God is always on time. God always takes care of me, even in my lowest moments. Even when things don’t go like I would have wanted them to go, I land somewhere that has exactly what I need. Why am I not ok with this? Why do I feel guilty about it?

Why are we not ok with being ok? In the kitchen, the babysitter talks on the phone with her boyfriend. She giggles. She is happy with him. She is ok with being happy with him. I recognize that even the thought of me actually being happy and ok with a man is foreign to me. I recognize that even the thought of having a home – a home… a clean place with a big bathtub and a backyard – is foreign to me. I recognize that even the thought of having a lot of money, enough money, a cash flow, a big cash flow that allows me to move around like I want, is foreign to me.

All of these things that I give lip service to, when I think about them truly, when I try to see a picture with me in it… it is hard. My head hurts. I start crying. And I see. I see a whole identity matrix that is out of alignment with who I say I am and what I say I want.

And now we come to the root of today’s musings. I have been avoiding this question and I am here to face it. My teeth are chattering and I tap into my stronger attributes. I am brave as can be, and my intuition is strong when I tap into it. It brought me here today because my sense of self has been completely pulverized, thankfully, and I am not who I used to be. Of course, I am who I have always been, but I am no longer who I thought I was.

I thought I was this sorry person. I thought I was ugly. I thought I didn’t deserve shit. Don’t ask where all these thoughts came from, because I don’t even know. Trauma or whatever. I never was willing to accept that I was “lucky”. Things that were hard for others to get often just fell into my lap by chance or with very little effort on my part. Magic would happen in my life. I didn’t want to accept it. Somehow it was bad to be special. Somehow it was bad to think I was different than others. And so, subconsciously, I tried very hard to sabotage anything that made me special or different. I tried very hard to be normal. In high school, I asked my mom to put me in the “normal” classes instead of the “gifted and talented” and “honors” classes like my teachers suggested. I didn’t want to be not normal. I thought it was arrogant.

But try as i tried, I was still never normal. I just never was. And truth be told, if any of my dreams actually came true, then by default, I would not be normal. I definitely would not be normal compared to where I come from. If I actually had one of my movies produced and distributed large scale, then I would be rich and maybe even famous. Not normal. If my heal the world project kept going in the direction it’s going, then I would be a trailblazer in my mom’s country. Not normal. If I found a man… wow. If I found a man… If a man found me and we were able to love each other and be at peace and in harmony… It would be the most profound thing I’ve ever witnessed. Not normal at all…

So I am here, contemplating what’s next in life. A crossroads again. The biggest crossroads of my life. In order to go past it, I will have to give up my identity of being normal, because normal people don’t make it through here. At least not normal according to what has been normal in my life thus far. So far, it is only the extraordinary who live in integrity with their souls, and this is what I am endeavoring. It is a big deal.Finally, this is what I’m choosing.

It had to come to this.

One day, it will be normal in our world for people to want to live in integrity with our souls, for people to live their dreams and their destinies, but for now, I have to get over this idea of trying to stay lock step with the world around me. I have to get over this fear of people being jealous or not liking me if I succeed. I have to be willing to accept myself for real. Not just the bad. The awesomeness. Yes, awesomeness. I can call others awesome. Why can’t I call myself awesome, too? Why can’t I be awesome, too? Why is it so hard for me to accept the good within my own self?

The tears fall. The teeth chatter. I came here today to get clarity on my next step. You say don’t take too long writing and get into action now. I am stalling. I already know my next step.

What I have to do is do what I’ve always had to do. Finish up on what You’ve told me to do, God. We see now, where the blockage has been. I have been in conflict with my own self, wanting to live a life which, by default, makes me special, unique, gifted, lucky, but not wanting to be special, unique, gifted, lucky.

You say I have humility. I have passed the test. You say I care about others, finally. I have passed the test. You say I have decided at last to love, and this is the greatest lesson of all. And yes, I have decided at last, to Love. And so you give me permission to participate in the world like never before.

Shift.Into.Alignment.With.Me. Accept that I, God, am your partner, and you have chosen to live my Will. You have the power of the universe backing you. I am backing you. Can you get that? Yes, you can. Get that. Accept that. Yes, you are lucky. Yes, you are blessed beyond your fondest dreams. You all are. Accept that. Please. Carry my Blessing and experience a life that you never even dreamed possible.

Accept, Allow, Surrender, Submit, and Choose. For today, my baby, accept that you are lucky. Don’t care what others say. They’re gonna judge you if you’re sorry, too. Much better for you and the work you have to do for the world if they judge you because you’re lucky. So, this is your practice for the day. Hold your head up, Laydie. Hold your head up. You have a right to be here. You have a right to be happy, too. I want you to walk around the world as if you are the luckiest person ever today. Accept that side of yourself. It is important for you to accept just how good you are. And you have been denying your luck for so long, not walking in it, being ashamed of it, pushing it away, not using it in ways that help you, not allowing yourself to have your heart’s desires, not even daring to dream of them. Today we are going to dream of them, and then we are going to change our posture and walk around like the luckiest person in the world, a person that walks hand in hand with the best friend you can have – the magical hand of God…

Ameen.

Day 518
A Lucky Posture (Accepting Luck)