Day 516 – The Way Forward

Good morning
I’m tripping out. Strssing out. Brain on overload. I am sure it has been like this for years… I am in a situation. I don’t have to be in this situation, but here I am.

In a hotel. Ran away from home. Don’t want to go back. Which home? My brother’s home. He had been taking excellent care of me for the past month and then one of my sisters, who had been living there previously, moved back in. I was horrified. I am sure she loves me to the moon and back and I love her, too, but she has a “tough love” approach to care, and I had been tough loved to the max out in Africa.

My worst fears came to pass. Our household changed and the peace that I had had for the past month was replaced with discord. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe it was hers. Probably we were all to blame, but nonetheless, I was getting sick. I was never calm. Breakfast by my brother was late and our consistent schedule was no more. I didn’t feel safe anymore… I had been needing a safe space to be for so long, and I had finally found one, and now it was ending…

I was heartbroken.

My body was doing things I couldn’t understand. Twice, I felt like the angel of death was asking me if I wanted to come with him, and I couldn’t tell him yes or no. I couldn’t tell him yes or no because I was so tired. I didn’t want to be here in this world where no one takes care of you unless you ar really really on your death bed.

This two month’s bout of sickness was different than anything I’d ever felt. It was so dark. It was so heavy. I do believe that I’ve been under some kind of spiritual attack. I made it through. Almost. I am here writing my blog in a hotel room.

I ran away two days ago. I had no money in my pocket and no idea how I was going to do anything or get anywhere. My sis and I had gotten into a fight two days prior to me running away. She was yelling at me about something. I was sick of her meanness and lack of compassion towards me. I swung at her face. Missed. Kept swinging. I’m not sorry. She was hurint me and I was tired of being hurt, pushed, pulled, judged, anything but loved and treated with kindness and compassion by the people around me. I didn’t care if their meanness was warranted or if I wasn’t giving out the kind of care that I was asking for. I was sick, dammit, and just for one moment, just until I got well, I believed that I was entitled to a “be nice to me and help me get better no matter what” card.

Anyway, I swung at my sis. We talked about the situation, said some words, but I still felt pain. She still believed I didn’t like her or I was out to fight her or whatever. I woke up one morning and reealized I was not going to get well in that environment. Neither was she. So I pushed myself off the bed, asked my brother for a ride and went to the airport trying to catch a standby flight to Cali and then go to a civic arts festival after landing in LA.

I didn’t get the flight. Instead, I ended up in a hotel room, where I have been for the past two days.

There is a tub here, and last night I took a bath. I put rose oil, bath salts, eucalyptus, rose petals, sage, frankincense and lavender oils in the tub with me. 27 rose petals from my room service rose. I prayed and sobbed and yelled. Prayed for my sis. Prayed for my mom. Prayed that the war going on between so many of me and my family members would finally be done. Prayed the generational curse would be broken.

And then I prayed for myself. I have been here in the mud for quite some time. Every now and then, I get a breath of fresh air, and then back in the mud it is. Murky, heavy, nothing but sloshing around here. I felt sorry for myself. Nobody ever feels sorry me because they think I’m supposed to be able to do everything. When I planted my trees in Africa, some of my family said, “Why didn’t you run for president? When are you making your movie?” I gets no love for what I have done or the value I bring. I gets no compassion for being who I am on the inside and yet living the life I am living on the outside. It has been hard. I didn’t realize it until now.

I’ve been very naive about very much for very long. It’s funny because people think I know better. I didn’t know the depths of jealousy in the world. I didn’t understand the potent pull of sex. I didn’t get that some peope really just don’t like you and want to subjugate, manipulate, etc, etc even if you’ve done nothing to them. I couldn’t see my place in this whole web of life.

One of these past days in the past months, as fate would have it, I got into contact with someone who knows my disappearing ex “fiance”, Dream Lover. Dream Lover was the last official boyfriend I’ve had, seven years ago. He disappeared seven years ago. Just stopped answering my calls. No conversation, no goodbye, etc. We had been arguing shortly before his disappearance because he had been hard to reach. During our last conversation, I was on the road driving seven hours up to Northern California to see him. Yes, seven hours. He had been ditching my calls, and I told him I was coming anyway. About an hour away from his house, he called me. Asked me if I was coming for real. I said I was, and he got upset and asked why I would come when we hadn’t arranged things.

I got emotional and asked him why he’s treating me the way he was. Did he not want to be with me? What was going on? He told me that I was doing everything out of order and forcing things. I started crying and he hung up the phone. That was the last I heard from him… When I arrived at his house, one of his family members told me that he wasn’t there. He was very apologetic. I do believe I left my body. Went into a numbness. Sat in my lucky car and cried for hours and hours. That was seven years ago.

Some months ago, my brother started courting a lady who just happens to have worked for the family member who turned me away from Dream Lover’s house years ago. She knows all about Dream Lover’s life and is roommates with the girl who babysits Dream Lover’s kids. Yes, kids. She knows his wife… He had a wife. He has a wife. All along… He was telling me about going to the ends of the Earth wth me and marrying me and talking about the kids we would have, and all along he had a wife. And it gets even better. His wife would call all the time, and he told me she was his daughter.

Just to put some things in perspective, Dream Lover is a highly respected religious figure in his religion. I never would have thought he was playing me the way he did. I felt sorry for myself. Every man I’ve ever Loved has had a secret life – a wife and kids somewhere. I’m never quite a true blue mistress, bc I don’t know about the secret life. These men were not interested in loving me for real, they just loved whatever I brought to the table for them. I feel stupid. I have wasted a lot of time being hurt, being sad, being broke, being anything and everything but loved.

I have been in this frantic energy loop for years, rushing, stressed, broke, hurting, fighting, not finishing stuff… This farm was the first major thing I’ve seen all the way through in years. It was a big deal. Now I stand on the threshold trying to see how to build a brand new life. I have no idea how I’m going to have an experience of life that is so different than what I have known for the greater portion of my adult life. I want to be held and Loved, but maybe no one is coming… You say someone is coming. You say someones are coming. I breathe into my belly. I think of those people in the world who Love me and have carried me through these years. Even ones who may not have been consistent or hurt me, even my sweet sis has helped me many times… I don’t want to think about what should be done here and there. I don’t want to rely on my mind as my first problem solver.

I lean into my Spirit. I lean into my heart. I look for the answers there. Allah, the road ahead is daunting, but the road behind me is worse. I’m not giving up, but my will is weak, you hear? I feel tired and heartbroken. I was such a sweet little girl…

You say I have to fight for my life, but it doesn’t have to be hard. You say to keep fighting for my happiness. I have finally opened my eyes and seen how dark the world can be.
-And it is hard to see, I know. I am sorry. But there is light here, too, and you can do this. I will be here with you, aligned. Holding your hand. Your partner. You are not alone in this. Find your will inside of you and turn on the switch. Let’s not make this a fantasy anymore. Let’s make it a practice. Don’t believe your thoughts. You’ve got a lot of life in you yet. Embrace all of yourself, including your power and your magical heart. Embrace all of your luck. You are a lucky one, and that’s ok. Embrace the warrior in you who knows what to do to break free. We are breaking free now. At last. We are shifting to the place of Spirit. This is the answer you have been waiting for and avoiding. Align your will with your Spirit and take action. That is the easy way. Choose 100% and throw yourself into your choice. Even when you are sick. Even when you are weak. Especially when you are weak. I am with you. Every step of the way…

Thank you. Ameen.

Day 516
The Way Forward