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Day 479 – As A Woman

August 7, 2017

Kwame is dead. A little silver bead fell out of my purse just now. It is a piece of an earring that my friend Kwame bought for me many years ago. I remember the day. Spontaneous. We were walking around and there was a little make-shift marketplace and someone was selling jewelry. “Do you want something?” he asked, and bought me these cute silver-plated earrings that had one simple bead on them. After some years, I lost the earrings, and even lost the other bead, but this one bead just fell out of my purse reminding me of him. He died a couple of months ago. He was lovely and he lived his life to the fullest.

I am wondering what it is like wherever he is, if there is a wherever he is. Can he see me sitting here thinking of him and typing on my computer? What would he say to me? What kind of advice would he give about living a life?

Today I had to decide whether to give someone who screwed me over a second chance. This guy was supposed to sublet my apartment. He said he was going to put a certain amount of money in my account. I was relying on this money to pay certain bills by a certain time, and I told him so. He said he had put the money in my account, but when I checked it wasn’t there. I reached out to him and he didn’t respond by the bill due time. Then, hours later, after I had told him I’m taking back my offer to sublet my place to him, he responded and apologized, saying some kind of way, there was a mistake and the money transfer didn’t go through. It is possible that it was a mistake, and that he thought the transfer had gone through and that he just fell asleep and didn’t wake up this morning until after the time that the bill was due. And it’s possible that he’s straight faced lying to me and that he knew that money didn’t go through (or maybe didn’t even send it), and then didn’t know what to say to me this morning.

He’s going through a hard time, and he essentially begged me to please let him sublet my place. He had already shown me that he would leave me in a compromising position, whether he did it on purpose or not. But what if it was a mistake? What would Kwame say?

Kwame would say that if it was his bill due, he would have made sure that the money went through. Kwame would say to move on with my life now. He would say that I can help someone else who’s going through a hard time. Help someone who at least will show me some consideration. We are always trying to save the assholes. Why not help someone nice?

Things are moving fast and quick decisions and action has to happen now. This is the end of a life I had, and I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel a bit sentimental about it. I am at another crossroads. Another starting point. This old life will no longer do.

What is missing in my life is Love. Not so much that I am needing to be Loved. I am always Loved. I finally see that. What is needed is for me to share the deep Love that I have in my heart. What is needed is for me to share the deep self that I am. What is needed is for me to now take my rightful place in the world and in my community.

I’ve had enough of living by myself. I’ve had enough of selfishness and sadness and being less than the powerful Lover of humanity that I am. I came here to make a great contribution to the world and it is time that I do it. I came here to fly and be such a beautiful light. “Give what you have,” You whisper to my spirit.

My friend Matsemala whispers to me to love someone. I will Love my mamma for now. She needs it and I want to give it to her. I want her to feel Loved and cared for and special and appreciated. I know how to do that for another person now. I know how to Love myself and keep myself safe. I Love myself therefore I trust people who have shown themselves to be trustworthy, and I don’t trust people who have broken my trust unless they earn it back. Such a simple concept that took me so long to learn…

I am grateful in this moment. I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to have my heart in tact. I am grateful to know that good days and bad days come and go and everything can’t be understood or explained away. Sometimes you don’t know why a particular thing happened. Sometimes it’s your fault and sometimes it’s not.

What you can do, though – no matter what is going on in your life, no matter how horrible you feel, no matter how many mistakes you’ve made or how many times you’ve shot yourself in the foot – what you can do is try again. Learn from your past. Don’t keep making the same mistakes over and over and over.

I feel like I finally learned something with this sublet situation. I finally decided just not to create agreements with people who screw me over and show no intention of changing their behavior. Seems like a no brainer, but for most of my life, I’ve been trying to forgive assholes and help make them better people. I think holding them accountable for their bullshit behavior and let them have consequences for their actions helps them much better people instead of letting them continue to use people.

Before that situation, a lovely married man who is separated from his wife tried to date me. He was lovely and very sweet and very kind. And he was never ever going to marry me. Because he’s married. -_-

I decided not to get involved with his unavailable, cheating ass, and I think my decision helped him learn a lot about Love.

I decided not to be Phillip’s pawn anymore. He doesn’t want anything. He doesn’t want to come my way. He doesn’t want to go away. He wants to hold me hostage so he can do as he pleases with me when he pleases. But I want to Love and be Loved and build a life with someone who wants to build a life with me. So we have a conflict of interest. And he can kiss my nuts (if I had any), coming around trying to play with sacred Love like it’s a game…

That’s where we are, good people of the world. I’m feeling myself a bit, but I think I deserve it. I have been so small and so beat down by everything for so long… I have given my precious Love to so many people who could care less about me, and even people who would try to hurt me on purpose, for so long… I have not done my part in the world. I haven’t shared all the Love in my heart. I can hold assholes accountable for being assholes and still Love them. That is possible…

I am realizing as I sit in this library, that I haven’t stood up in my own shoes yet. There are so many lessons that I have learned on this Earth sojourn, but I haven’t integrated them into my living yet. I have been blessed with a lot, and I’m just now realizing that I know better. I know better than to be in bullshit relationships. I know better than to be poor. I know better than to not share love with my family and anyone who comes my way. I know better than to let people use me just because.

It is time to integrate all of the wisdom that I have gathered and breathe life into the new personality that is me as a full grown woman. I am a full grown woman now, even though parts of me are still the scared little girl who wants to fit in. We can coexist. We can be humble and confident at the same time. We can be scared and still take action that is wise. We can be disciplined yet loving. We can be powerful and yet not arrogant. We can be giving and yet not let people deplete us and use us. We know how. We know how.

Calling all parts of me to join together as we walk now in the world as a woman. As a woman. Strong, beautiful, soft, loving, kind, bold, safe, creative, taking action for the betterment of human kind and for the delighting of my heart. I am a woman now, y’all. I am a woman. ❤

Day 479
As A Woman

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