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Day 61 – Listen To Your Heart

October 25, 2011

61 days (give or take)- First trimester just about over… Baby is formed. Almost know the sex…

Change doesn’t take that long, they say, but oh this brain of mine. Such resistance. Don’t even know why. How to live with integrity? I don’t know anymore. I guess you just have to tell the truth.

The truth is today I am missing everyone. I’m bored. I feel sad. I want to go somewhere, run, to outer space, but I can’t. I have a “to-do” list that I’m looking at and only half of the items are checked off. My edited script is due today and I’m procrastinating…

I’m at another crossroads… Big projects that I am in a position to complete, but I’m afraid of all of the responsibility that will come with them. Men have been falling off my heart, and I thought it would be good for me, but it leaves me with an empty feeling, like I just want to be close to someone, like I just want someone  to love, someone to have a crush on.

I know, I’m not supposed to talk about this stuff. You want to hear the good stuff, that everything is OK. The truth is, everything is not OK, and it is. I am falling apart and I am not myself anymore, which, I guess, is good, because I really didn’t want to be the self I have been for the past year or so anymore, but the issue is, I don’t really know what’s going to happen next, and that scares me… It always works out, I know, but knowing that doesn’t take away the feelings.

I wish I knew someone who knew what to do at these times, when nothing makes sense. When there are clouds and rain outside and everything seems like a dream… I miss it, God. I miss feeling alive. I miss Loving people. I know I’ve been doing much, much better, and Im not going to get down on myself, but my heart is open again and it hurts so bad. I had just blocked everything out and I didn’t realize that my heart was missing Love, but it is, because, you know, my heart is pretty big and you know, I like to Love. I forgot that I like to Love…

What am I to learn from these things? This is what it feels like to come back to life, you say. It ain’t always pretty. What do you have in store for me? Much more than I can imagine, you say. When do things change? As fast as I can walk, you say. They have already changed.

Listen, You say. To your heart. Listen and be blessed. Do not be uncertain anymore. No one knows the answer to your life more than you. Listen. And Trust me. Stubborn, stubborn woman. Trust Me. You are learning to be dis-attached and connected. You are cultivating the ability to be patient. You are learning to trust and you are coming into your favorite word, commitment. This commitment that you have made to yourself will be necessary for your future work and your future relationships. Listen. You are special. Just accept it. Not better. But different. Stop trying to be what you are not. You have a calling on your life that concerns more than you. And so you have to understand these things: pain and Love. Openness and closed fists. You have to be wise. You have to be humble. You have to know how to say sorry and mean it, and yes, you have to know how to say goodbye and march on in the face of grief. You have to know when to sit still. You have to be discerning and all the while you have to remember the importance of Love… You don’t have to do any of this, but if you are to do My will, then you have to be a Warrior,  a Queen, and a Priestess…

God, I don’t understand everything. Is it all in my head?

No, it is all in all of your heads. But I Am in your heart. You have answered my call and so I am cleaning yours so that you may hear Me clearly. Do not despair. I have not forsaken you. I am with you always. Just listen. Hush, now, and listen…

Day 61

Listen To Your Heart

One Comment
  1. O. B. permalink

    Bill Cosby once said, “There are three kinds of people in the world: yesterday people, today people and tomorrow people.” We are all three. Sometimes we spend more time on yesterday, other times we spend more time on tomorrow. The challenge is to be more into today.

    Often, tomorrow is planning and dreaming, yesterday is reminiscing joy and regret, today is free of all of that. Today is being awake: less thinking and more noticing, engaging our mind and spirit, moving on to the next thing when it pops up. That’s what we did when we were kids. It was fun, more peaceful.
    We must be yesterday, tomorrow and today people, but today should get more of the attention.

    When we are living today, we notice more. Have you even noticed the third dimension of objects? The whole world seems to stand up like mushrooms. It’s a joy to notice someone with some spirit. I just came back from a Univ. of Texas Volleyball game. You see a lot of expressions during a game. I found it interesting. The team was focused. Why? Iowa State U. was losing, but they kept on challenging. They had to give their full attention to them. I’ll bet they never even noticed that we were noticing. Then again, we probably didn’t notice what they were noticing. We were too busy noticing them — they were the home team.

    It’s amazing what we notice when we are looking.

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