Day 612 – With and Without

I can barely breathe. Everything has changed for the better. I am at my alma mater. In tears. I’ve had a miracle happen. Several, really, but I haven’t told many people yet.

I feel afraid and think that they might hate on me once they find out how much good stuff has happened… I feel like a little kid. Is this why I have delayed so many things for so long? A part of me has been afraid that many people I love will hate me if I shine too bright.

It has been a long, long road, y’all. I told one of my friends about my most recent news. Via text. She disappeared. I knew she would. Because she is happy for me but sad for her. Because she has had a rough season. And I have had a rough season, too, but mine has turned around and turned into the best season of my life.

I kind of want to brag. Kind of want to cry and hide. Kind of want to stick it to them for the rest of my life, whoever them is. Kind of wish they were for me instead of against me and I ask myself if I am for them? I have always been and I am even now, and that makes me feel the saddest.

“I belong.” “I am safe while being my truly authentic self.” “I am Loved, Loving and Lovable.”

I stopped writing for a bit. Watched some videos on instagram. Got in touch with what I’m feeling. Heartbreak. I had another heartbreak recently. Old stuff. Breaking open again. Being dealt with again. Family. Friends. Men. Grieving.

I fell in love again. I remembered that I had been in love before. I had forgotten. I remembered that I had had good friends before. I knew such awesome people. We had so much fun and Love together. And, oh, my family. I had lived so much life with them. And now I don’t know them anymore. And every time I come around, everything and everyone seem so unknown.

Life has changed us. People have changed us. Circumstances. Or maybe they have made us who we really are.But what does that even mean? Can I tell you a secret? It is a secret I’m just now fully realizing in real time as I type this blog. Who you really are is a choice. Yes, there are predispositions and patterns and certain personality things that start from birth. But there are a lot of choices along the way. Even now.

Even me. In this very moment. My predisposition was to feel sad. I got on this blog and I was going to feel all sad and write about all the sad things and process all the sad things and then maybe find someone in my phone to bother so they can be mean to me and validate my sadness and then I’d not do all the things that were on my list to do because I felt afraid and sad and I would sabotage this breakthrough that has really only come about once a decade, if even that much. That is a choice. One of my asshole friends told me he was waiting for me to sabotage myself. Now, I could sabotage myself, as I have done in the past, or I could not.

What are my other options? I could stick it to him! Tehee. That sounds fun. Pure spite could carry me through this potential pipe blockage. Spite, shall we be friends today? And friskiness? Shall we just say toodleboodledeha and decide to be strong?

As I type, two friends message me. They offer me Love and support. And I cannot pretend anymore. I cannot pretend that I am not Loved. I cannot pretend that I am not supported. I am not always Loved and supported by the people who I want to Love and support me and the people who I Love and support do not always see me as someone who Loves them nor acknowledge my support… but I cannot pretend like I haven’t been Blessed all of my life. I have. It is a matter of perspective.

Today, I ate a really good breakfast of fruits and. tahini sauce and also a scrambled egg, english muffins and water with vinegar. I went to a spa and soaked in salt water, sweat in a steam room, a clay room, a salt room, an oxygen room… I stretched out on a jade floor. I am sitting in a wonderful place with students, all doing work for their future. Soft music plays in the background. And I am crying. My jaw trembles. Life will never be the same. Life has changed.

I don’t have to be a wounded child for my one whole life. If I was writing my one whole life story, and I was my own hero, this would be the moment. This would be the moment that the heroine overcomes her character flaws. But contrary to her pervious behavior, which is usually grandiose and dramatic, her change would be subtle. It would be full of tears and joy intermingled. She would be all of her and she would be ok with that. Because that was the mission. Not to be super strong untouched and unfeeling. But also, not to be so overtaken by emotion that no progress can be made.

The mission was wholeness. The mission was to find peace in the midst of grief. The mnission was wisdom. The challenge was to be comfortable in my own skin no matter how big or how small I was. Even if it made my best friends feel uncomfortable. Even if people didn’t understand me. The mission was to Love who I Loved even if they didn’t Love me and to trust that God would always send me what I need, as he always has.

I am sitting at my alma mater, grateful that I even got accepted into this school, which transported me into a life that I am starting to finally Love. I will get offline now. I still have about five things to do tonight, but I want to go home. Can you believe it? I used to be the kind of person who always wanted to be out. I never wanted to go home, especially if I didn’t have anyone to go home to.

I have a big ol’ king bed now and when I go home, I will enter the deluluverse and call forth the man and all the things. I don’t believe I’ve ever in my life been ok with being alone until now. I’m grateful. I can manage my emotions and do the things I want to do now WHILE still feeling things. Go figure…. Go figure.

Day 612

With And Without