Day 610 – Believe

I had written another blog entry some days ago, and it was really good, but it just might end up in the “drafts” folder, because I have something else to write about. A lot has happened this month. It’s been a nonsense month – a month full of distractions, but it’s also been a month full of long needed realizations.

Right now, I’m sitting out in a lobby somewhere. This is really personal, but I’m gonna write it. I feel like people need to know, or maybe I just need to tell it. Today someone told me that I’m too functional to make helping me a priority, and that has been the story of my life. I will be dying in front of people’s faces, telling them I’m dying, doctor’s diagnosing me as dying, and they won’t help me. And then tell me some shit like, “if you were really dying, you’d be dead”.

This is not what I came here to write at all, but a wave of grief just hit me. From not being believed for so long. From not being helped for so long and from being resented by the very people who I would give my life blood for but who ignore me, don’t protect me, destroy me and kick me when I’m down. I feel very hurt. Can I say it out loud? I feel very hurt, God. I feel like you have let me down and my heart is breaking.

Someone stole something from me again. I let them. Kind of. They tricked me. Kind of. Story of my life. Demons and shit. Assholes. Parasites. Coming at me always. With all manner of tricks. They masquerade as friends, loved ones, coworkers, cohabitants, lovers. Full of shit. But here’s the part I came to write about. I know it. Yep. Truth said talk me.

This is very important. I have a gift and I have been in denial of it for the greater part of my life. And my denial of said gift has caused me much harm and destruction. And even though I lost just about everything in my life because I didn’t listen to my inner voice, still I am sitting here at night in a lobby somewhere because I didn’t listen again. This time, the deception came very fast. Someone came by my dwelling to offer me something. My inner voice said, “Don’t take it. It’s a trick. It’s a spell. This person is trying to get their energy into your space so that they can be in your space and/or take over your space.” It was quick. The offer was quick and my inner knowing was quick. But before I could open my mouth and say anything, the person had brought the item by and left it in my dwelling. I didn’t speak up. The next day, I had an opportunity to give the item back. Again, I didn’t speak up. Got tricked. The person convinced me to keep the item at my place during a quick conversation. The next evening, I mustered up the strength to give the item back, but the next day, the person was in my dwelling. Living with me. You heard me. Living with me. That was a week ago, and, with the exception of when I spent one night out, I haven’t slept well since.

Prior to me betraying my inner knowing, I had been sleeping perfectly well in a wonderful and safe dwelling by myself. And now, I am in a lobby somewhere at 12:39am because my nerves hurt and my back hurts and my stomach hurts when I go home. And I’m full of grief. And all of the grief isn’t even my own. Most of it comes from the person who now lives with me. I’ve picked it up. Absorbed it like an empath sponge… All because I didn’t believe myself. I didn’t listen to my inner knowing. And there is a through line here.

If I look back at my life and all the times things have gone wrong, it’s because I didn’t believe myself. Like, I knew not to trust a certain person. I knew what the downward glance of jealousy looked like. I knew when a gift was really a bribe or when it carried the energy of guilt because someone had secretly done me dirty or was about to do as much. I didn’t always have the words for things. I couldn’t always tell you why I didn’t trust a certain person or why my shoulders relaxed around someone whom I didn’t know very well. But it’s because somewhere in my body, somewhere in my intuition, somewhere in that complex network of neurotransmitters that highly sensitive people and empaths have, I’d picked up on the cues. I knew the intonation of a lie. I knew the particular way a back stiffened up when jealousy was present. I knew rage and disdain and unforgiveness. I knew when some man or someone who assumed they had the birthright to be superior to me was going to try and sabotage me because I stood with my back too straight. I didn’t know all of these things mentally, but I knew them intuitively. But I ignored them and deferred to my logic. Trusted my life savings with an asshole who, quite frankly, had been asshole as long as I’d known them because I wanted to believe that they’d prove they love me. So many things. Dated abusers whom I knew where depressed and not comfortable with me being happy, thinking I could save them and shit but meanwhile donating free life force to them in every interaction. And most recently? Let a demon cast a full blown spell on me and get into my home because I didn’t want to be rude.

Ain’t that some shit? Now my computer battery is on 6% and I’m gonna have to cut this blog entry short because there is no nearby plug in this lovely lobby and I don’t want to go back home and be inundated by demon chick energy.

Y’all? If you find that no one in your life believes you when things are happening? I implore you to check and see if you believe yourself. Do you take yourself seriously? Do you believe you know what you know? Will you stand up for your beliefs and tell people, “No. I don’t trust you. My back hurts when you come around. My eyes feel strained. I can’t breathe right. I don’t sleep well. I don’t care if I don’t know what it means. I don’t care if I barely know you. I know that what it means is that I can’t trust you. Whether it’s because you have ill will towards me or you just tormented with shit that’s going to transfer to me because I’m not boundaried enough or whatever… Hanging with you at this moment in time is not good for me.” I honestly can’t imagine saying that to someone. I said some version of it to a friend who likes me before and he had a nervous breakdown and then went on to deny my inner knowing. And then tried to eff me over when I wouldn’t eff him.

Five percent battery left, my Loves. I’ll post this. Please keep me in your prayers. I’ve been messing up by not trusting myseld and shit just got really real and I feel so afraid and I don’t want to suffer anymore.

Take care.

Love,

Laydie

Day 610

Believe