Day 596 – When Things Get Hard (Call On God)

Y’all? It has been a hard, hard month. It is a hard, hard night. “If you don’t use your gifts, you get sick”. A colleague told me that not too long ago…

A few weeks ago, I went off to see a man. This is the third time that I have gone to see said man. I thought I would go see him, he would get me pregnant, we would start a family and live happily ever after. But it didn’t happen. None of it happened. The thing about this particular man is that he has mostly not done anything that a man who loves a woman is supposed to do… And yet I somehow believed that he loved me…

I am not delusional. It was not sex. It is not that I can’t meet other men. I meet other men quite often. Even serious ones who treat me well. I have been in love before, and I have moved on when I realized that the guys were not treating me well or they were playing games, etc… I have been able to accept that I won’t be with said guys and open my heart again.

But this guy? We’ll call him Lover. Even as all the things have happened and he has made it be known in every way that he will not be with me, I find it hard to believe. It is like the Earth is not the Earth anymore and everything I thought was real is not… Blah and blah and blah.

And in my living environment, blah and blah and blah…

And in my personal relationships, blah and blah and blah..

And there is currently no one in my life who I share hugs with. Most of the people who I spend most of my time with currently are in competition with me. To be fair, we are in a situation where many people want to do the same things and there are limited opportunities. And I keep winning. But the thing is, I’m not winning because I’m competing, which makes folks even more mad. I’m not even winning because I’m applying for things. I’m winning because people like me because I’m nice to them and they want someone nice around. But they hate me, too, because I’m winning…

Story of my life… And yet, I’m still losing. Because I have no one to hug and no one to smile to and I dare not tell anyone that I am doing well for fear that they will ask me for stuff if they think I have excess anything…

Can I tell you something? A part of me is giving up. A part of me is breaking. A part of me is angry, angry at you, God. Because life has been too hard. This has been too hard now… I have had no safe arms to come home to.

… I started the above words two weeks ago. Wow. So much has happened. I did, in fact, break in the past two weeks, and I found arms… My car cracked. Long story for another day maybe. It still drives, but it got in an accident all on its own and part of the bumper broke. My living situation got worse and I told the people I’d been doing life with that I’m leaving… Enough was enough. They asked me to stay and suggested I take some time away. So I did. And I brought an impromptu ticket to go and see the safest arms I know – a lifelong friend who has always been good to me.

And here I am. My friend is a massage therapist. He is a healer. I will call him Healer. He is kind and gentle and wise and giving. When we were younger, he used to be a pushover, but not anymore. He has learned how to love himself and honor his boundaries, and I am proud of him. Something in me wishes I could stay here forever, but I know I can’t. I’d have to marry him and he doesn’t want to marry anyone or date anyone. He’s been celibate for years and wants to stay that way… I could probably change his mind, but, again, I’d have to be certain that I want to marry him and stay with him forever.

Right now he is in the room with me, and I remember we used to do this when we were young. He’d be asleep or I’d be asleep, and one of us would be up doing work. And one of us would get the other tea or coffee or water. And it was how life should be. Easy. Peaceful. Safe…

Good morning world. I’m sure I had something on my mind when I came to this blog. I spoke with my mom yesterday and it was strange. Eye opening. She’s making some decisions that I don’t want her to make. All of my siblings are in support of this decision… and when I spoke with her yesterday, somehow, I was able to see the foundation of our family. Our values. And I saw why I’ve had such a hard time in my family. Our values are not my values. There is so much that I don’t care about anymore…

And I suppose I came here to write this morning so that I could sort out what I do care about. It is a new day and I was thinking about what I should do to start my day. What should my practice be? Pray? Exercise? Write? Read? Drink water? Meditate? Get to work? Lead? Leave? Belong?

My friend woke up and wants to talk. For this day, I will start off sorting…

And it is a new day now. Twelve days later… My body is trembling. I’m back at the place I was before. I did not leave. But other people did. Because they weren’t treated well. Someone got fired, because he wasn’t treating people (including me) well. Instead of leaving, I signed an agreement to stay here longer… And I am wondering who is reading this blog. Spying eyes of some of my haters make me hesitant to share all that is really happening in my world.

I will see if I can speak in safe ways and express myself. My jaw trembles. The haters I have are people who I never did anything to. But they thought I did. And they were so, so wrong in their suspicions that they spend a lot of time trying to find something on me to prove themselves right. It is easier than acknowledging that they spent years doing heinous things based on false assumptions. I am feeling very sad at the moment. Heartbroken, actually. I am not quite sure about what I am heartbroken about.

Perhaps it is my friend who just left. We couldn’t take care of her. Perhaps it is the recognition that I won’t be with Lover and life must finally move on. Perhaps it is this place where I am and the knowingness that they don’t take care of people like me. I will have to blaze a trail in order to be cared for and create a culture of care… and I’m a bit tired of trailblazing. Or maybe I can do it a different way. I generally blaze trails no one asked me to blaze. And although the future benefits from them and some are grateful, most are not. I do not get plaques or celebration.

I spoke with my mom today. She advised that I don’t put my focus on my past… Cover-up culture to prevent others from feeling guilty and supposedly to keep the peace. But there is no peace until things are healed. The wounds are just covered and they surface once instigated until they are healed…

Today I put some medicine on my scalp. Well, a naturally remedy. I have been wanting to do a natural remedy for a wound on my scalp for quite some time, but I haven’t been able to be consistent enough for it to work. So today was day two of me doing the remedy. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve done up to three consistent days in the two plus years since I’ve been wanting to do this remedy. I hope tomorrow is a new day.

So, what did I come here to write about? The particular subjects that I had in mind were “Listen to Your Soul” and “Take Care of Each Other”…

Listen to Your Soul resonates. The men are around. A guy who I haven’t spoken to in five years (Mean Ass), a guy who I haven’t spoken to in over ten years (Devil), a friend whom I haven’t seen in three years (Abusive Bastard), a guy from a year and half ago (Vampire), someone who I haven’t spoken to in six months (Yuck) and a guy who’ve I’ve been friendly with for some time (Stupid Asshole Yuck) have been sniffing around.

As I write about them all and give them nicknames, I see what to do about them. Let their asses go. Excuse my profanity. What they all have in common besides being mean asses is that they want to have a serious relationship with me. Marriage and family. And as I write about them, I ask myself what my current belief system is such that I am attracting these guys at this moment in time. They are also all haters. If I tell them about my farm, they will say something like “your little farm”. If I speak about my progress or newfound comfort in my skin, they will try and insinuate that I’m sleeping with bunch of men and covertly try and find a way to call me a whore. Or they will frown if I get too excited about something that isn’t them. Worstly, if I dare tell them that I have gotten out of the mud all by myself and life is great they will find a way to say how much better I would have been if I was with them or how awful life really is.

And this, my friends, is not love. I thank God for leading me to this blog this early morning, because this is what he led me to discover for myself. The why. I was getting fooled by all these guys’ intentions for partnership. And their reflection of my belief system is that I believe that someone who wants to partner with me must be a mean ass vampire who wants a servant woman wife and gets jealous if I do anything on my own and wants to dominate me.

I suppose I’m supposed to change this belief if I am to actually move on and be with the man species. But I am tired of doing all this inner work. So, God, will you just change it for me? I surrender. You tell me to at least hold the image and the possibility – at least write the words down – a partner who nourishes me and wants me to use my life force to live my dreams and gets excited and encourages and – my word – supports me when I do things on my own. A man who wants us to be our best and have healthy partnership…

My, my, my. What a concept. The truth is, I know that if I put this concept in my mind, there is a high probability that overnight, I might accept it. And my life might change. And I feel hesitant about my life changing. I feel hesitant about trying again. My deeper Soul says, “Don’t try. Do. I will help you. You are new now. Your vibration is new. Upgraded. Your life is new. You won’t understand it all. But I will guide you. I promise. I will make it easy.”

I have been used to this identity now. I have been used to these patterns… The almost life. The sick life. The abused life. The unexpressed life. Granted, I have also been used to having many miracles happen. The charmed life. The lucky life. The magical life. Allah, can you help me get used to having the things I want? Can you help me get used to even being willing to truly ask for the things I want? To ask for the things You want for me? I know you will help me, but nonetheless, I feel afraid. I feel like I have been writing about these things for some time and I don’t know if they will ever be real for real.

And you tell me don’t give up on myself. You tell me I have come a long way. You tell me listen to my Soul. You tell me all the things that I don’t want to hear. I partly want to get on a plane and leave here and never come back. And do the things I care about… This part of my life is hard. It is the best, I know.

I know I am on the brink. I know this is the breakthrough, finally. I know I can stay and learn how to mold my consciousness and I know this is what you want. This is what I needed. I needed to learn how to ask for what I want. And have it. I needed to learn how to have it. I needed to learn how to stand up against false accusations, attacks by Loved ones, etc, etc. I needed to learn that sacred word, “No”, and I needed to learn to say it without guilt. I needed to learn how to have what others don’t without guilt. I know… I know you have been leading me here.

I know that the lessons I am learning are the lessons that all thought leaders have mastered. I know I am a thought leader. It is hard for me to say that out loud, but you say I should say it out loud so that I can get used to being my full self whilst people judge… I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I am a thought leader. I have struggled so hard because I have tried so hard to be normal when I was never, ever created to be normal.

I am not normal. I have never been normal. Let me accept now. It is time for me to accept. I will need your help, God. And you say call on you now. Live with you now. Let you be my hand holder. Call on my father, may he Rest In Peace. My grandmother. My ancestors who have come before me. The angels who watch over me. Call on every good energy that has supported me always. My village and the strong men who pray for me. The crafty women who protect me. Call on help and let myself be helped as I am birthed again and again. This lifetime – this time and forever moving forward – will be the best.

Call on God. Call on God when it’s hard. Call on God when it’s easy. This is the lesson finally learnt. Call on God.

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you so much.

Sincerely,

Me

Day 596

When Things Get Hard (Call on God)