Day 594 – Taken Care Of

Hi there,

I wanted to not do anything before writing you – I’ll explain – but then I did a thing. I read an email. And it shifted the flow of my thoughts.

Can’t get back to the original flow, which is why I originally didn’t want to do anything. Because I had a flow. But it has weakened because of a quick email read. But I will write what I can anyway. Hello there.

I just came from a quick talk. By an awesome group. Two people. I think they are a couple. They spoke about a new way of relating to each other. Intentionally. They have a group that they created and they had a think tank in a place I love – the place my Lover is from. They mentioned his country and I immediately went there in my mind. To his country. With him…

What have I been doing with my life since? A lot. But not much that brings me joy… Let’s see. I came back from visiting him in September 2023. And I was devastated. And also temporarily homeless because I had sublet my apartment out and came back early before my sublet was over… And so, because there was no where I wanted to be, I went somewhere I wanted to be. To a retreat and wellness center that a friend had told me about years ago… That was in October 2023…

And now we are in February 2025. I am back at that retreat and wellness center. And I just came from a talk from some people mentioning my ex’s country. As fate would have it, earlier today I was talking about my ex and his country to man who later proposed to date me…

I miss my ex.

And I had the inclination to write him a letter and get on a plane to be with him… What have been doing since October 2023? I guess I’ve been healing. I have actually been healing. Sometimes I don’t want to say it out loud.

I was listening to a book on tape by Louise Hay the other day. She was talking about how some people get sick and don’t want to get well because being sick is the only experience they’ve had of being taken care of… That resonated with me.

I had been sick for a long, long time. I was in a lot of pain. I was very disabled. I couldn’t do too much and people had to help me… But it might have been the first time in my life that I felt willing to ask for help. I felt entitled to have help and care. I started saying no to any and everything that hurt me or made me feel unwell, because I was fighting for my life. And a lot of relationships ended or shifted. I saw all the places in my life where there was no love. And the big bulk of my life was loveless, with people just wanting things from me and not seeing me as someone to be poured into. I didn’t see me as someone to be poured into, either.

And so, I guess that from October 2023 and up until now, my paradigm has shifted. Being sick made people leave me alone. Stop attacking me. Stop asking me for shit. Let me do what I wanted to do with my time. Some even supported me just because I needed support…

Can you imagine that some people live life like that while being well? Their inner circle consists of others who support them and don’t just ask for things. They are interested in giving as well….

It is the next day. I fell asleep last night. Because I was laying on a floor typing…

Tonight I am in a lively place. The lobby of the center I’m at. There is a table/desk of sorts. Lights are on. People are around… There is a bump on my chin, but there is also an aloe vera tree behind me to heal said bump.

And I am back alive. Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day. I will wear my hair out. Wear red and black. I am my own Valentine’s… I just came from having dinner with friends. They wanted me around. One of the guys said that I bring light and joy even when I’m mad… That made me very, very happy. I made the right choice for Valentine’s Day… There was a man who wanted me to go see him.

And this is a redundant story. There always seems to be a man who wants me to go see him. And in the past, I go. This time, the man is ok, but not really. This man is someone I’ve known for about two years. One of my earliest memories of him was me moving furniture. I was moving furniture from my brother’s house. It was late at night. For whatever reason, I had a Uhaul and no one to help me move stuff out of said Uhaul, which needed to be moved by the morning. I told this man about my situation and he wished me luck…

He was new to my life at that time, and so I guess I didn’t expect him to get up in the middle of the night and drive across town to help some new woman unload a truck. But he could have. Some of my male friends would have, even without me asking… Put it this way. If I would have asked him to drive across town to have sex on that night, he would have. So…

I digress. This man has been in my life for some time. He has been there for me in certain ways, but not in all ways I need at all times… I wonder about this. When I was at my sickest, I don’t believe I saw him much. But he prayed for me at times and talked to me and advised me… One time he went with me and bought me some groceries. He had been relatively nice to me… When we first met, we went on a date. We kissed. I didn’t too much like his kiss. His mouth spit didn’t taste good and didn’t make my mouth feel good. My body didn’t like it. We kissed again, and my body didn’t like it again… He’s super handsome, but for some reason, I’m not the least turned on by him…

So there’s that. More recently, he has been telling me how he needs a woman in his life and he wants that woman to be me… And I need a man in my life, he says. Indeed I do. But there is something about him. He wants me to come visit him instead of him coming to visit me. And on so many instances, small and big, he has just been unwilling to come my way. And unwilling to be there for me at dire times of need. It’s all games. He wants to dominate me, is my feeling. I know that someone with greater awareness could tell me why I don’t want to be with this man.

I can’t see it too clearly. I would like to see things clear now, God. Because today, I told him that I’m not coming to see him. I’m sure he wanted to plan some Valentine’s thing. But I didn’t want to get in my car and drive for some hours to see him. I didn’t want to drive anywhere, not even minutes to see him.

I know why! Today, I was talking to my mom about this new thing I’ve been doing. I told my mom how I had been collaborating with these people and they liked how I do things and they wanted to offer me to work with them more. And my mom said, “No. What you’re doing (in my collaboration) is temporary. You have other things you want to do…” When I tell this guy about my dreams, though, he tells me I should go back to school and be a lawyer. Or be a psychologist… Anything except do the things I’ve always talked about doing…

And he lies a lot. He had a whole ex wife and child that he kept hidden from me for two years. I don’t know if any of these are the real reasons I don’t want to be with him… He ain’t sexy. There. That’s enough. Lol. I don’t want to. But here is the point. I don’t want to see him. I don’t want to be with him. And so I didn’t go see him. In my past, I would have gone because it’s Valentine’s Day and something about him seems eligible, but no… I am much more happy being right here typing my blog than spending time with a man that my heart just says no to.

This blog entry is not cohesive… But I am. I am back online. I come from a culture when you don’t tell folks your good things because the belief is that the enemy will try and sabotage you… I’m not sure how much of that I believe. I’m wanting to be ok with being ok. I’m wanting to be taken care of even when I’m well.

But my spirit is telling me something that my brother told me years ago. Stop looking for others to do anything for me. Not in that defensive, the world is going to hurt me stance. But in a mature way. Be Sovereign. That’s my own thought. Take care of yourself. That’s my own new thought, too.

That’s the best thought I’ve had in a long time. Don’t go driving hours to see some man you don’t even like kissing. Chill out… Let men you like kissing come find you.

This entry is all over the place… My thoughts are all over the place, and it’s nice to get them out. Thank you for reading my blog. It helps me to write things out. It helps me to have an audience. In my mind is my mentor’s voice… “Write the story of your life now… Write it out how you want it to be.”

Could it be how I want it to be now? Could this be the breakthrough moment? The choice is mine. Little by little, I have been showing myself that I can be ok in the world now. Little by little, I have becoming trustworthy with my own life force. I’ve messed up a lot, but I’ve been learning, and I thank you, God, for the grace to allow me to start again… In these past months, I’ve had lived experiences over and over again of being accepted at my worst and at my best, and so I know that it’s possible to be whole and be loved… And I’ve said no. No and no and no to anything that isn’t love. No and no and no. The truth is, it is me who had to learn how to accept my own self at my best and at my worst. It is me who had to learn to show up for myself when I’m doing bad. It is me who had to learn and I’m still learning to take my dreams seriously and put my money where my mouth is… It is still me who is learning to follow through on my best thoughts. It is me who is learning to accept love.

And so, a story I can believe in. Once upon a time, this woman, me, called herself a woman instead of a girl. She felt shaky about identifying as a woman, but she chose to identify as such anyway. And she chose to identify as God’s own woman. From now on, she would lean into God. For real. She would listen… She would build her capacity to accept her true spirit… And it would be more than a writing on a blog. Couldn’t she see how she was already showing up in community? Couldn’t she see that she was already making an impact in her life? This woman would now take it easy and move forward in life one step at a time. Nothing hard anymore. She would seek out support. She would seek out community. She would have fun and play. Slowly, gently, powerfully, she would keep her word to herself. She would honor this gift called life. She would use her tools to not only move through obstacles, but to create good things. Her life would be a good, good life and a blessing to all who know her. She would own that she is, indeed, a good person. A light. She would take her rightful place in the world. And although it all seemed so big and too much and so scary, and even though she deeply believed that people won’t like or love her or help her anymore if she is happy or if she is thriving or if she is no longer sick, she would face those beliefs and say, “NO! THIS IS NO LONGER MY LIFE! I am a born leader and I will shift my beliefs and shift my life!” This woman, me, decided that she will start a new life today. Over and over, she would fall down and get up. She would keep getting up. She would keep getting up. They said she was resilient. Well, this time, she would align her resilience with the will of God.. humble, certain, strong. She would accept her own strength and let it be a blessing. She would let power be a blessing.

She would face her fears and say, “I can do this”. Look at her, doing this. Even now. I am the woman. I am a woman now. The world loves and is honored to take care of me, and I love and am honored to take care of the world.

Thank you, God. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Ameen

Day 594

Taken Care Of