Day 576 – Over

Hey y’all. I’ve been wanting to write for some time. Keep starting and ending. This time I will post no matter what comes out.

I’m here. Processing. Crying. Not crying deep and overwhelmed. But crying surface and sad. And done. God always shows me the truth about things, and I’m glad about that, but if I’m being honest, sometimes the truth is so bad that – I won’t say it… I’ll just say that it’s hard to digest…

I’ve had a visitor. My ex-boyfriend from overseas. We’ll call him the Demon. Not my most recent ex, but the one before him… I haven’t seen him in over a year. We broke up because everything and anything folks break up for… I haven’t seen him in over a year and I haven’t spoken to him in over six months. And then at the beginning of this month, he reached out to me and said he would be in my country. It would be his first time, and it’s hard for people from his country to get to my country… He was going to be in another state, but he asked if he could come and see me while he was here. Long story short, I agreed.

He was coming on a work trip and I helped him extend his return ticket so he’d have time to come see me and also have time to go to another event in the states. Made phone calls. Drafted emails. Researched stuff online. Advised him on how to communicate… Transferred money and eventually used my own debit card to send money so he could change his ticket… Before he traveled, on his first attempt to board, he got stopped at the airport overseas due to a passport issue and he called me and told me he wasn’t coming to the states. I advised him not to give up on himself, made phone calls for him and encouraged him to follow through… I hustled up money and sold things so that I could sponsor a ticket for him to come from the state he was flying into and back to my state…

I’m feeling really sad, y’all. Why do people always use me? Why do people always lie to me? Who am I that I am always manure for other people’s lives? I let them. I want to be nice to people. I want to help people. But they treat me with such disrespect and disregard in return. And they hate me. And they don’t want to see me thrive unless I am thriving by helping them. And I am mad at myself for being in this kind of bullshit situation all over again…

I said I was gonna finish this post. I want to run from it. Why? I just found out that what I had thought was happening with my ex actually wasn’t happening. Someone had told me that he has a lady back home. A mutual friend who is here in the states. So I was hurt that my stupid ex is still here trying to play me… And now the mutual friend just called me to tell me something else. He spoke wrongly. My ex doesn’t have a woman back home.

Does it matter? Yes and No. Is he still a liar? Yes, he is. And here I am giving a week’s worth of time, energy, money, food and help to someone who I know just can’t wish me well to save his life…. It is well…

I’ve procrastinated all day and almost wasn’t going to finish out this blog. But I’ll finish it, even if it doesn’t go anywhere. I’m taking a class lately that talks about thinking problems out to solution.

My heart hurts. My ex instigated a deep wound. And although I’m glad to be aware of this wound, this pattern, it doesn’t feel good. This pattern of me giving always to people who never had any interests of giving to me. This pattern of not being able to keep my gifts and use them for myself, but instead working over and extra time to use my gifts for others… This pattern of neglecting myself.

I’m over it. Yeah. I really am. Even though it feels bad. Even though I feel resistance. Even though I don’t know how or when or who, I’m over it. I’m not feeling all excited, but you don’t have to feel excited to make a choice. I’m over it. I’m ready to move on to a different kind of life…

I feel sad that things didn’t work out with my Lover. Really sad. I Loved him. Now here is another man visiting me wanting exactly what I wanted with my Lover, but I don’t want it with this man…

It seems like it was just yesterday. For the first time, I was sure all the way about someone. I was all the way sure that I wanted a life with my Lover. And it was so lovely and exciting… And now here’s this other dude… I’m not even gonna say anything bad about him. There is so much to say. But we just gonna let it be nothing. I will only say that I feel embarrassed and ashamed that I’ve been in some of the relationships that I’ve been in. Relationships that were never designed to feed me.

Even my Lover was like that. It wasn’t like that from the beginning, but it shifted when I got sick. I guess I shifted it, but he shifted it first. I got sick. And he didn’t show up for me. Just sent me a text message talking about he’s worried. I got mad. And I got tired of him just talking and talking with no action to back things up and I dumped him. And since then, he stopped being nice to me. I started leading the relationship. And it went from bad to good to bad to worse until I broke up with him… He started lying about everything and asking me for stuff when he should have been asking me how he could help me because I was sick and really needed help..

Where is this place where men Love you? Where is this place where one is taken care of? Where one is not cheated on, lied to, betrayed, face smooshed to the mud? I’ve heard that such a place exists, but I’ve hardly been to it.

“Take your power back”, a voice whispers to me. “Stop giving it away… Will you be your lesson learned at last?”

I guess I’ll have to learn at last. I’ve never wanted to do much on my own. I don’t like being alone. But there are worse things than loneliness. Being partnered in a blood sucking partnership that leaves you depleted and sad and confused and unappreciated and feeling low is worse than being alone…

My house smells like stinky oils because my ex is in here using oils for only he knows what and denying that he’s using oils… smh. I guess I’ll go ahead and follow through on the things that have been on my mind to do.

My car has been out of service for over a month, and it’s had me moored to my apartment. I got it fixed yesterday and now I can join the land of the living. I went to a spiritual retreat not too long ago and my intention after the retreat was to step into my fulfilled life when I got out.

When I got out of the retreat, instead of stepping into my fulfilled life, I turned my attention towards hosting my ol’ ex. But it’s all good. It’s only been a week. He reminds me of a place I used to be, a person I used to be. Surrounded by things that don’t bring life to me. Giving all my life to others and being so out of body that I didn’t even realize it. Not happy.

Can you believe it? In juxtaposition to being with ex, I realize that I have been happy. Can you believe it? I don’t know how it happened or even when it happened because I’ve been fighting death these past few months, but somewhere, somehow, in the midst of all of it, I’ve tasted happiness and joy!

A lot has happened in the past few weeks since I posted. I guess I’ll catch you up. I reconciled my relationship with one of my family members. It’s not perfect. We never talked about the things that broke us apart, and it was something that made me feel betrayed, etc, and lose trust… I’m sure she has her own hurts that she’s never told me about.

But in one of my “I think I’m dying” moments in these past months, I realized that although I care about what happened between us, I don’t care that much. Meaning, I Love her. I just do. Maybe she feels like everything she did and didn’t do was right. Maybe she feels like it was wrong but just isn’t ready or able to admit… I did my part and I’m ok with that. I was tired of feeling sad and mad and hurt. I am tired of feeling sad and mad and hurt. That doesn’t mean that anyone else will change anything else, but it does mean that I can change myself and let love in and let love out when I want to…

And I stopped writing again, but finally finishing. Someone else called me. A friend. A different vibe. Someone I like. We weren’t always like this with our friendship. In fact, we had a long time of non-trust. I went off on him one day and told him about himself. We stayed apart for a while, and then we hashed out our differences and he’s a good friend now… I guess trust can be built and sometimes it is…

Well, I don’t know what else to write about. There is always a whole lot to say. I made amends with my mom. Went out and saw her a couple weeks ago. Talked like we’ve never talked before. My brother told me sorry. “For all that stuff that happened”. It was a complicated situation, he said. I let him make it… It was a lot of stuff that happened.

Two friends reached out to me today, asking me to help them come out to America. I’m sure they heard about my big mouthed ex who is here in America with me. Actually, I’m sure one of them heard about my big-mouthed ex. The other one had been wanting to come to America through marriage to me. He re-opened the issue again. Both of them want to marry me. I don’t know if real or fake. I think they both like me for real and also they both want their American citizenship…

My ex just came in, but I’m going to finish writing this blog… Somehow I am lifted from the place I started. You don’t have to condemn yourself. That’s what I learned from the retreat I went to the other weekend. My ex smells like alcohol and spell oils… Lawdamercy.

You don’t have to condemn yourself if life seems to condemn you. You can say, I’m feeling really sad right now and I’m an awesome person and I’m a kind person and I’m a generous person and I’m a loving person and I’m a good person and I’m a beautiful person and I’m a radiant person and I’m feeling sad and I’m a wonderful person and I’m an intelligent person and I’m an intelligent person and I’m a loving person and I’m a good person. See how I tried to help an asshole live his dream? And I’m a visionary. Lol.

You can do things that make you feel better. What are your options? Really? I do believe that for once I’m not going to quit on myself. Even though I made a mistake. I’m going to give myself grace and allow myself to move forward. Even with my ex here. I had plans. I don’t have to bend them or change them because a man came around. And I don’t have to wait till a man comes around before I begin executing my plans.

I can start now. Finally. I don’t know if I’ve said this before. I don’t feel like I’ve said this before. I don’t need to wait for someone to give me completion. I can just say “this is over” and move on. I don’t need to wait for someone to give me permission to make money or be happy or any of that. I don’t have to be mad all the time. I don’t have to announce anything to anyone before I do it. Just declare that this is over.

This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. I don’t know if I’ve said this before or blog titled this before, but I’m saying it again and with more conviction this time…

This is over. This sad time is over. This victim time is over. This time without Love is over. This depleted time is over. This unfulfilled time is over. This time with no trust is over. This hurt time is over. It’s over.

I declare love over my life. Someone close to me cut ties because she thought I did something I never did. Story of my life… This is over. Open up your hands and let her go and don’t be bound by her opinion of you. Don’t try to fix it. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over. This is over.

A new day is here. Step into it and let it step into you. Love and fulfillment is its name. Let it be real now. Fantasies are over. Let it be real now. Time for being all sad and rotten and beat up and sick is over. Clean up. It’s over.

Love is here now. You just have to choose it. Even right right now. You just have to claim it. You just have to use your power now. You can do this. You have to do this, baby. Forget about how folks judge you. It’s over. Forget about how you judge yourself. It’s over. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done. It doesn’t matter what you haven’t done. It’s over. You don’t have to be sad anymore. It’s over. You don’t have to feel abused anymore. It’s over.

You deserve a good life, too. You understand? If everyone else deserves to be forgiven for all their heinous acts, you deserve forgiveness, too. What they taught you is a lie. This sad time is over. Over, over, over, over, over. It’s over.

Let it be so. Choose it so. You are here by the collective power of the entire universe and you are not just here to suffer. You are here to thrive…

Day 576

Over