Day 563 – Intentional

He told me he is always worried about me

And my heart busted open with grief

He wanted to take care of me.

I felt it.

I hadn’t felt it in so long… I hugged a friend. I’ll call him Friend. Had forgotten the feeling. Been water wells for hours since… I ended up in a hotel using hotel points and also couch and car surfing. My friend made me realize just how scary and sad my situation is.

My friend made me realize how long I’ve been struggling. I’ve known him long… My friend made me realize what I really wish for. That I could be close with the people that I used to bond with, but that our relationships would be different than they used to be. My friend made me realize that maybe it’s not possible. My friend made me realize that I have grown far, far away from so much I used to know, but everyone doesn’t see it as growth.

The fakeness in families is flabbergasting… I’ve been crying for a few hours. Sobbing, really. I don’t remember the last time I sobbed. My friend busted my stone cold heart wide open… I’m grateful for a friend. A real friend who has known me since back when. A friend who finally thinks I’m worthy of being protected and taken care of and treated nice… Somewhere in his hug and glance there was an apology. Maybe I’m making it up, but that’s what it felt like… We have come a long way with this Love.

My chest literally feels busted open. My back nerves and thighs busted open. I won’t write too long, except to say hello. I felt afraid after meeting with friend, like what am I doing? Could I just go be with family? Why do I feel so far away from them? They mostly don’t mean no harm, but, oh, I feel so hurt and unsafe still…

I want to reach out to my sister. I miss her. I hope she is well…

You, reader, I want to reach out to you and encourage you. Sad feelings are not necessarily something to run away from. You see, they don’t go away by avoiding them. They go away by looking at them, processing, letting them pass through and touching them with Love. It’s not easy to do. It hurts. It might be too much to do all at once. They may never go away fully and I’m not giving you no advice, just telling you my own experience.

I’ve been out of body for a long, long time, trying not to feel stuff. I didn’t even know I was out of body. And I’ve been running in circles for a long, long time, not going most places where I wanted to go. Where I want to go is Love. Where I want to go is belonging. Let’s stop pretending that anything else really matters to me. Yes money and success and film and farm and heal the world, but more than that, Love. Belonging. Arms. Safety.

I got all discombobulated after feeling the feels with my friend. I’m avoiding stuff a bit by writing this blog. Avoiding making a decision on where to go next. Where to live next. Feeling all the fears. I do believe I will face at least one fear and reach out to someone who can actually help me this evening.

I’m grateful for a friend. I’m grateful to have at least one, but really many more, people in my life who have the capacity to help. I’m grateful that I finally see the loop I’ve been in and I’m willing to face fears to remove myself from it. I’m grateful that I’m able to face fears. I’m grateful that my brain works and can be resourceful. I’m grateful that I can feel the ache in my hips and the ache in my shoulders and the ache in my feet and the ache in my belly as I even write this blog and call resistance to progress by its name. And give it love and tenderness instead of anger and judgement…

This part of life will be intentional. The most intentional part we’ve ever had. Living fully. Finally. Making choices we can make wholeheartedly. Finally. Finally finally finally.

Ameen

Day 563

Intentional