Day 554 – Stake In The Ground

Y’all… So, I just want to write a bit because I have work to do. I am overseas. It has been the hardest season of my life. It’s a new moon. My sis is here with me. The one I punched in the face a long time ago. She’s my friend now. I am glad to have her here. Relationships have been falling apart. Relationships have been falling together. I have been deeply depressed and heartbroken and mostly out of body for the past few months. A fall out with my little sis made me realize the nature of my relationship dynamic with her and also with other family members whom I was close with. Made me realize what she really thought of me and what her real intentions for me were. Nothing that filled me up. I was sad and mad and bitter and resentful. Still feel some of those feelings, but the bitters are finally melting away. Just today. Just today they’ve started melting. My farm overseas needed attention. Needs attention. Lord, don’t ask my why I’m over here overseas starting a farm in the middle of nowhere talking bout some community development. You bound me here. It wasn’t of my thinking or ambition. This is really one of those instances where I feel like some ancestors just pulled me into this Godforsaken country and obliged me to do some work. I could have done like my sister. Just in and out with some impactful project and a temporary team. But noooooo…. I’m over here talking bout I’m a do a farm. While people are trying to land grab, back stab, sabotage, and my number one teammate is traumatized and having a meltdown. And I’m traumatized and been having meltdowns, too. I’ve had a lot to say. I’ve been holding a lot of anger and pain. I’m talking to my therapist today and very excited about talking to a therapist. She loves me. When I pay her. It’s better than nothing. So, it occurred to me in a really real way that I can’t go out like this. This life I’ve been living has been entirely too sad. Entirely too unfulfilling. It is not that I’ve not been trying. I’ve been trying so many things for so long, God. Structure and capacity building are my needs. Capacity building within my own self. But first and foremost, accepting responsibility for my life… I was in deep meditation today, feeling all sorry for myself. Feeling all sad and depressed as usual. Trying to count how many ways nobody loves me. Feeling so unLoved. And then I asked for help. I remembered something one of my mentors had said about transmutation. And how, in order to do alchemy, you let in a higher frequency in order to transmute the lower. So I imagined that light was coming into me from above to try and change all this murky darkness that has had me running in circles and circles for years. I tried to imagine that this time could be done. Like, all this tread milling and depression and lack and not having needs met and not expressing myself in ways that I wanted. I imagined that maybe God cared about, against all evidence that I could see. Why not? It’s my imagination. I saw that I had been shirking all my power. I didn’t want it. I associated power with my experience of it. Just having relationships where people expect you to be giving and leading and supporting, but they don’t really give you anything you need and in fact get very upset if you dare demand being cared for in any way or God forbid get sick where you need to be cared for. I associated power with sacrifice and constant busyness and loneliness. I associated power with war and drama all the time and fighting for someone else’s right. I associated power with absolutely no fun and no love and no care and no hugs and no sex and no ease. I didn’t want it. But not having it hadn’t been working too well for me, either. Being all small and stupid hadn’t been working for me. So I made a decision today. I made a commitment. To end this shit. In spite of how I feel. Because of how I feel. This is that moment y’all. This is the climax or the turning point in my own story. The place where the hero of the story finally realizes her misbehavior and chooses to resolve it in order for the hope of a happy ending and for the hope of problems solved. So what is my misbehavior? Could I really admit it? Could I say it to the world. Misbehavior is a character trait that is the source of the character’s problem with the world. God, I want to know. Not accepting my power, you say. I have my reasons. I have been hurt because of power. There’s more, but all that other stuff is a false personality I’ve built up to try and survive in a world where I felt powerless. If I were to just own it. Own I am the goddess – the world would fall in line. K. I have to get to work now on my script. I am safe. I am comforted. I am powerful. I am Loving. I am kind. What does a life other than sadness and depression and unfulfillment look like? What does it feel like to be appreciated and supported and loved and have my love and support received and appreciated? I don’t believe I’ve ever had a good life where those things happened for me. I’m not gonna get all overly zealous and say my life is going to change presto chango just because I wrote a blog and had some inspiration today. I will say, though, that I’m thankful to even have a thought that maybe things can get better. I haven’t been able to think that in a long time. I will say, though, that I’m thankful that I have food and water and a bed that doesn’t hurt and somewhere to lay my head. there is so much more to write, but it’s time to get to work. So, to summarize. I don’t know how it’s going to happen. I don’t know when it’s going to happen, but it could happen very soon. The stake I am putting in the ground today, though, is to choose to end this dynamic of sadness, unfulfillment and depression. It’s over. Today. Now now. And not to dream too big. Be systematic and structural with it until I find some stability in a new thought. Do my very very best to finish this last edit of this script… Do my very very best to put structures in place and build capacity so that my farm can thrive… Do my very very best to tend to my wounded psyche and broken heart and broken sense of self and keep myself safe from abuse so that I can faith in the possibility of goodness again… Gotta go. Ttyl Day 554 Stake in the Ground