Day 550 – Ameen

My last post was “Apply Knowledge” three months ago. Very timely. Hello world. I’m brand new again. Wanted to touch base with you. I’ve been hesitating on telling the truth, even to myself, and definitely scared of telling the truth here because so many people I know read this blog. But I need to tell the Truth so I can move on. My life sucks. It’s amazing, but it kind of sucks. My relationships are not what I want them to be, especially my relationships with family. And if I tell the Truth, I’m gonna say a lot of mean things about family and friends, and maybe they’ll say a lot of mean things about me, too, but I’m kind of carrying feelings that I don’t want to hold, and so I need to unload. I have run away. From my house. Because I have some work to finish and my living environment was not the ideal place to get it done in the timeframe I need to complete it… I don’t want to say too much, except I feel guilty focusing on me all day at home, because I feel like my housemates want my time, attention, and help and they resent me for focusing time on myself instead of doing whatever it is they want me to do when they want me to do it. My key housemate is my sis. Let me tell you bout my sis. Or rather, let me tell you bout this relationship dynamic. When my sis was seventeen, my mom left town for work for a while. I was an adult and I had just faced the first real disappointment of my life. Up until then, I never even realized that everything I had ever put my efforts towards, I had always gotten. I didn’t even know that failure was an option until I failed real big. I had joined with other siblings to buy a big house for my mom, and, through a series of events, we lost the house. I tried my very best. I had did my part to make sure we kept the house, but my partner in the house buying didn’t do her part. And we didn’t have the money to keep paying the mortgage. I found out late. I hustled as much as I could, gathered people together to pay mortgage, but I couldn’t find a job to save my life. And at the time I was in grad school. And grad school was hard. And it was around the time our thesis was due. I failed. We lost the house. I didn’t do my thesis on time. And I took a year off. I had an apartment with my 23-year old sis, and my youngest sis moved in with us. She was 17. Long story short, she was doing teenage stuff and lying about stuff. My spidey sense suspected as much and so I looked through her phone to see what she was up to. I found out that she had had a plan to skip school. Talks of boys and friends were in the plan. And so I fronted her. It was actually kind of interesting. She was supposed to use my mom’s car to execute her ditching plan. I, too, needed to used my mom’s car so that I could go somewhere that day. So I asked her to use the car that day. Said I’d drop her off at school. She made up a bunch of inconsistent lies about why I couldn’t drop her off. At the end, she dropped me off and then I asked her what she was doing that day. She told me whatever and then I asked, “Are you sure you’re not doing such and such (whatever I had seen on her phone)?” She was shocked. She started crying and saying I violated her for reading her phone instead of apologizing for lying and trying to play me. Later, we talked. I told her I wanted us to be sisters and share things. She told me she didn’t feel comfortable sharing things with me… That was many years ago. And that’s the dynamic I feel we’re in today. I had written a whole thing about our issue today, but WordPress deleted the middle of my entry somehow and only left the ending. So we don’t need to talk about our situation today. It’s for the best. The root of the situation with sis is not what’s currently happening. The root of the situation is me not feeling Loved or valued or appreciated or respected… My sis not feeling like I’m there for her and constantly guaranteeing that experience by asking for help at the very most inconvenient time possible with little notice and being downright unpleasant, disrespectful, closed off, sneaky and ungrateful when I’m there for her, thereby shifting my interest in wanting to be around her, ‘cus I ain’t tryna abused or disrespected or taken for granted, and therefore I leave and end up not being there for her or being there for her but not really feeling it… This will be funny to the people who can’t stand my guts. God told me to not change a doggone thing. Learn to forgive myself more. Apologize and/or make amends for whatever hurts you’ve given out and then forgive yourself on behalf of all the people who won’t forgive you. Set boundaries and expectations in your house that include emotional safety for yourself and others. Lead and encourage the youngers to be leaders, too, and stand up and participate in the creation of a positive home life. Now is the time. They won’t believe you’ve changed. Just stay consistent. Forgive yourself, Laydie. Over and over and over. Forgive others. Over and over and over. Don’t hold back Love. Just keep Loving. Even if people don’t appreciate it. Some things – very few – are family emergencies and obligations and responsibilities. Participate and accept those with Love and an open heart. Anything else? Go where the Love is. Go where you want to give the Love. You’re not a martyr, or even a hero. The most heroic thing you can do is be good to yourself and kind to yourself. Don’t worry about being good and kind to others. That’s a given with you. When you are good, everyone around you always wins. And your family? Like Claire says, “(You’re) entire family is blessed by… (your) ability to advance… (your) success and level of influence in the world. At the center of their being, they are deeply supportive of and grateful for… (your) success and fulfillment.”… I’m grateful for this blog. It is a place for me to sort things out. Nothing does it like this blog. Even my journals don’t give me clarity like writing in this blog. I’m grateful for all the gifts I’ve gotten in this world. My journey to this fantasy place called happy has been arduous, but it has been worth it. I’ve come a long, long, long way from where I started and I’m proud of myself. Can I just say some good things about myself for a minute, and then I’ll get offline. I’m proud of myself for this moment. These are life long dynamics that I’m dealing with. An empath with no boundaries is a recipe for death and finally I am learning and healing… You know, I have a friend who reads this blog just so he can judge me. Stop my reading my damn blog and find something better to do with your energy than judge everybody. Let me work through my issues with Grace. Please and thank you…. Please and thank you… Ameen Day 550 Ameen