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Day 514 – Have (Success)

June 17, 2019

Hello. Good afternoon. Back. After month’s pause. Same American Embassy. Same keys that are hard to punch. Same amazing energy. It is true. Places have energy. Collective will. Something brightens places and darkens places. Here, it is bright. Progressive. Hopeful. Alive…

Here it is easy to love, write and have fun. I am interested in being here. My body relaxes. I am alive…

What is next? Shall I tell you what happened? I might write a book or movie about this time in my life, because it has been so eventful and I have been inside of a world that most people don’t get to experience. I’ve been and I am in Africa. I’ve never spoken about my race or my age on this blog, because I know that once I put those labels on myself, people will feel like they can or can’t relate to me.

I know you are surprised, those of you who thought we shared a common journey until you found out I was black just now, or right now, rather. I am black. My parents are from Africa, and I am still just as human as I was before you found out this information. I have been in Africa, in the heal the world country where my parents were born, for the past four months. It is a long, long story.

My mom moved out here almost a year ago to take care of her mom. Then a friend of mine – the last man standing in my heart – moved out here to accept a position with the new government here. Then, through this friend, one of my sisters got a meeting with the First Lady out here, and during and after the meeting, she told the First Lady and others that I would be coming to Africa to work on some development projects… Many years ago, me and several of my siblings had spoken of working on some development projects out here.

My mom came out to Africa and she was having a hard time adjusting. I could see that the stress was impacting her physical and mental health negatively. And so, for several reasons – to check on my mom, to give myself a chance to see if my friend was “The One”, and to start work on some development projects- I came to Africa last December. Stayed in the same bed with my mom for six weeks, left and went back to America for two weeks, and have been back in Africa for the past four months starting a cacao farm right on the land where my mom was born…

Why I chose to come here, to this heal the world country, at this particular time in my life and start a chocolate farm, only God knows. But here I am. I was committed to staying here until I put some cacao trees in the ground, and yesterday that mission was accomplished. In the midst of family members trying to sabotage my best efforts, children dying, a bee invasion at the place I’m living, sleeping and waking next to a mom who’s transitioning into old age and confronting lifetime issues with said mom, and the disappointment of my lovely friend not really giving our love a chance, I gathered and employed 36 people who walked about 2 miles into the African bush with me daily in order to brush a forest, map and peg out a plantation, dig holes, and finally plant some chocolate plants. We planted a little over 1400 cacao trees, 3 avocado trees, 2 soursop trees, and 2 plantain trees on the land where my mom was born. We stood in a circle and prayed and sang songs every day. My employees were the guys who everyone thought were the troublemakers in town, and women who had never worked a day in their lives.

My mom and I fought almost every day until we got tired of fighting each other. A new love interest came to help and I discovered that, although something healing and magical happened whenever he hugged me, he was not the person I wanted to be standing next to me when times got rough. And they did get rough during the planting… I lived through it all, smile in tact. I am proud of myself. I am grateful. I am no longer depressed…

I feel like I’ve been through an initiation or something. Like those stories you hear about people who would try and pass through the gates of the sphinxes, and the sphinxes would zap them and kill them if their heart wasn’t pure. I went through the gates. I found bravery and pure intent inside of me, and I became a hero. It was that serious. I know that in many instances, my life was on the line. When I lost courage, I had loved ones giving me encouragement and providing tangible support.

How did I get so lucky? A tinge of survivor’s guilt tries to steal the moment, and I lean into acceptance. I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I can get used to this. I can get used to success. I know it’s been a long time, but it’s been a long time coming. I can get used to success. I can get used to success… I choose to make a definite and firm decision to accept success.

I am not the same person I used to be. I keep being tempted to say I can’t believe it, but I have to train my brain to say “I can believe it.” I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe that I actually accomplished my Africa dream. I accept it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it. I can believe it.

I thought that I would inspire people to believe in themselves by giving them a tangible project where they could see results quickly. And that happened. What also happened is that I inspired myself to believe in myself. God took me through it. God made ways where I couldn’t see them. I learned to get deeply in touch with my intuition and rely on it. I learned to release resentments and recognize abuse at the onset. I was forced to take ownership of my project at the risk of hurting people’s feelings, or watch it fall apart and be sabotaged…

I am writing too much… What next? Energy is flowing through my lower back, seeking the hands of my Beloved. Spirit says it’s time to leave Africa for a while. Have is the word resonating with my soul. Work on transforming and transmuting my identity into someone who has. Make your life joyful. Make it a life worth celebrating… Life finally forced me into paying a $1300 overdue light bill. I am interested in being joyful and fearless… There is a fine line between doing what you think needs to be done to serve others and doing what you think needs to be done to meet your needs and make you come alive. I believe happiness comes if you can find the harmony between the two.

Even though I feel afraid, I am going to turn towards my fears and feed them with all the Love I can muster. I have been so sad for most of my life. A thought bubble tries to enter my awareness. “Anything is possible for you now. Take action on your inspiration, even when afraid… You are ready now. You have proven yourself to yourself, and I did not give you this magic and power for naught. You have My permission to LIVE! You have learned humility. You have learned patience. You have learned faith. You are beginning to accept your strength and power. Yes, you are a magician and your heart has qualified you to use the magic given. Relax into your bigness. Be bright now, baby. Be open and choose to Have. Accept. Have. Accept. Make a definite decision to have and accept your heart’s desire, even if you don’t know what that is. Have. Share. Have. Share. Have. Share… Have.” And so is life.

Ameen

Day 514
Have (Success)

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From → Planting Season

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