Day 604 – The Steward

I woke up in tears. I know, I am often in tears, but this time it is different. The tears are coming from deep in my heart.

I’m thinking about my mom. She recited something from her religious book to me yesterday. I couldn’t understand what she was saying, but it was so beautiful it made me cry.

I’m thinking of my brother and I’m thinking about how I can’t really write what I’m thinking about him because he’s in a room sleeping next to me. And this wasn’t what I was going to write about when I came to write this blog, but I’m thinking about how I can’t really write all that I want to write. People will get hurt.

I’m thinking about how interesting it is that my mind went on a totally different loop than it was on before I started to write this blog. What had happened was, I woke up, and I had all these thoughts on my mind – inspired, morning thoughts. I had just woken up and I had this well of emotion, and I thought, “let me write these down before the morning thoughts fade.” Like when you have a dream and you want to get it down before you forget it. I didn’t even drink my usual first thing in the morning lemon water because I didn’t want to forget my beautiful thoughts while pouring a glass.

But I needed to pee. The bathroom light in the room next to me was on, but I had thought I had heard my brother in a different room with the sink on. So I barged into the bathroom needing to pee, and he was in there. We both were shocked, and my beautiful thoughts shattered and scattered. By the time I had taken my pee, they had shifted.

Then, I couldn’t find my computer. I had to search the apartment for it and ask my brother about it. He knew where it was, but by the time I had had that interaction, my initial thoughts had shifted more. And by the time I started writing, my chest was welled up with emotion thinking about my mom and brother. I was thinking that I don’t really think my brother approves of me writing. I don’t think my brother really approves of me as I am… Those are the words that I didn’t want to write, but I guess they are important to the root cause analysis.

This is sooooo not where I initially wanted to go, but it’s what’s at the forefront of my mind now. My life. I am in my old life at the moment. I am in the city I grew up in, visiting one of my brothers. He continued in the religion we grew up in. The lifestyle. Everything. I have been away from all of this for a long time and there is so much I had forgotten. Not only is my brother a representative of my old life, but my city is… There are many, many beautiful things about this place… I am thinking about places and how places have agreements.

I have traveled and lived so many places in this past year. More places in one year than ever before. And do you know what I learned? Places have agreements. It’s not magic. It’s like plants. Certain plants only grow in certain places. They need a certain kind of soil, a certain kind of sun, a certain kind of humidity, a certain kind of water, or lack thereof. And certain landscapes do or don’t have the thing that certain plants need. And no matter what you do, a plant won’t grow outside of the environment that it’s designed to grow in. Now, you can artificially recreate an environment and it will grow, but it just won’t do it without the right environment. I think places are like that. I think we are like that. Like plants.

There is literally something in the air in different places that makes one know, “you can’t breathe like this here. You breathe like THIS here. You smile like this here. You relate to each other like this here. You do this kind of work here. And you, woman, you are to be like this here; and man, you are to be like this.” It’s more than the air, I know. It’s culture. It’s structure. It’s exposure. All of these things shape our identities and what we think is possible for us. And the original culture, structure and environment is our family of birth or our family that we grew up in…

These tears are flowing. I’m just going to free form write because there are so many thoughts in my head. I’m thinking of a man I know here. I’ve known for just about 25 years. He’s liked me since. Maybe even loved me since. And in 25 years, we have never made it past one consecutive date together. Fate seems to put us in the same places at the same time always. Whether it be that I just happen to take a trip across the USA to visit a brother in my hometown and he just happens to also have taken a trip across continents to visit his sister in the same hometown as my brother – which is what has happened recently. Or we both decide work in an international country at the same time in life and just happen to be going to the same country and just happen to be going to the same city in the same country and just happen to be living in the same city in the same international country at the same time 15 minutes from each other.

This man represents everything rotten about my past. He’s a con artist. He’s not nice. He’s rude. He plays a million games. In Landmark Forum, a popular self development workshop that I had attended some years ago – we would say that he has a compensatory personality. A personality that is not his real personality, but it is real nonetheless, because it is the way he has chosen to be. I can’t talk about Landmark Forum here. People will say it’s the devil. Maybe I should go to Landmark Forum this year…

Suddenly all my thoughts that I was inspired with upon wake-up are gone. And this is interesting. I’d like to track this. The movement of thoughts and how one thought changes the whole trajectory of others, like adding things to water… Some thoughts are more potent than others and change the color of the water more quickly.

I’m thinking about managing emotions and how everything I say here is profound. I’m thinking about how going away from the place of my upbringing, taking nine months to live and work at a retreat center, having just a teeny tiny bit of good fortune that allowed me to support myself while I was sick and ultimately get well, and even hitting rock bottom have made me into someone I don’t recognize anymore and someone I want to know. I have become wise, y’all. I know. I’m not supposed to say it. Other people are supposed to say it to me, but it’s true.

And the only way I know I have become wise is when I go back to the places I used to be and see where I came from. And behave differently.

Last night, I couldn’t finish some work I wanted to do. I wanted to read a book. Just a portion of a page. I got on the bed with the book and the book was right next to me, but it was sooooo hard for me to actually open the page and read it. And I wanted to put a skin treatment on my skin. The treatment was right there in the bathroom and the bathroom was right there, about ten steps away after I get off the bed, but it was soooo hard for me to get off the bed and go there. And I wanted to do some writing. Finish something out before the year ends. And my computer was right here and I had everything I needed to do the writing, but it was sooooo hard for me to get started on it. Eventually I did none of those three things. Instead, I went to sleep and my body felt a lot of pain. Oh! I had also wanted to go workout and get on this massage machine…

Writing just got uncomfortable, and so I switched for a bit and went and looked on my dating apps. I really want to track this. My breathing just became shallow. It is because I am moving forward. I’m getting to the root of things in this writing and my body is resisting. This is what I came here to write. I am butterflying and my whole self is resisting. I think I want to share this with someone.

It is an important piece of transformation that we often miss. The reason I did not do all the things I wanted to do last night is not because I’m lazy. It’s not because I’m undisciplined. It is because I felt full of emotion that I couldn’t understand and it is because I felt afraid of things I couldn’t understand and it is because my entire body was doing things, like feeling heavy, feeling tingly, feeling tight – resisting – and it made me very uncomfortable to the point that it was nearly unbearable and the way I saw to get relief was to go to sleep.

We have come to the answer, ladies and gentlemen. This is what I came here to write. For myself, really. And for anyone it resonates with. At the moment, it feels hard to breathe. My body is tingling again. I want to go and look at a dating app or jump off the bed or do something else rather than continue with this writing, because this writing is giving me all the bodily sensations that don’t feel good. Perhaps this is what they call anxiety? Perhaps this is what happens to my 25 year almost love. Every time he sits across from me, his hands tremble tremendously. He can’t open plastic wrappers on his food utensils. He can’t mix his tea. Perhaps his body has very visceral, very extreme reactions to being vulnerable, to the possibility of love, to the possibility of rejection, and so he just runs and sabotages when things happen like that, and so we never make it past one date… After I told him about himself, he told me to lose his number. So rude. I wrote him a long note back yesterday evening, loving, but I feel afraid to read his response. Because he might block me or do or say mean stuff.

He’s an ass, I know. He lies a lot. Might be a diagnosed compulsive liar. In my heart of hearts, I know that it’s not him. I know that he is like the Nefiti character on the movie Muana, throwing fireballs and things and doing all kinds of tricks to guard her heart. He’s not all these evil things. I know we don’t live in a movie and humans are not like movie characters. You don’t just love a monster and suddenly they transform into the best they can possibly be and the best they have been. Humans will kill you, now, and when they show you who they have chosen to be you should believe them. But somehow I don’t.

It’s not the best use of my time. It’s not the best use of my energy. But there is something in this situation for me. There is something massive to be learned, to be completed, to be mastered. There is something necessary in my trip here, back to my past life. Reclaiming my past. Facing my future even when it makes my body tremble and my heart rate rise and makes my energy want to go up, up and leave my head, like it’s doing now… Strong things. Woman things. It’s time.

Do you know what is true? Sometimes the people you Love aren’t going to Love you. Sometimes the people who you want to approve of you just aren’t. Oh, it is so hard to accept. Sometimes you won’t belong in the spaces you want to belong in… It is heartbreaking. And sometimes the people who you gave your very heart and your very life to for safe keeping will treat you carelessly. Sometimes on purpose. Cus jealousy or resentment or bitterness or selfishness or ego or whatever. Even if you are super smart. Even if you are careful. Even if you didn’t do anything to them.. I just want to accept that for a moment. And think this through to solution.

First off, what is the problem? Trembly hands. Massive resistance to forward movement. Overwhelming emotion. Feelings of not belonging and wanting to belong. Realizing the people I Love think there is something wrong or bad about me and it won’t change because its deep. Religion is very good for demonizing anyone who is not a part of it, no matter how amazing a person is. Over here being connected to an asshole, painful, abusive man and feeling compelled to see our connection through till the end even though he a asshole and I don’t really like him that much bc he is an asshole, but thinking he is more good than he presents himself to be but knowing he is exactly who he chooses to be.

-“Move towards the sun, butterfly”, is the voice whispering to my soul. Move towards the sun. Yes, you are like the books said. You know when you are on the right path and you know when you are not. And right now, in this blog, you are on the right path. There is no more time to restore the heart of Nefiti. That is not your mission here. Take your power back. That is actually what you came to do. And you have done it. You are doing it in real time. Break the spell of needing to save broken men. Release the need to be accepted by your family and allow yourself to be accepted by yourself and accepted by God – God as you know it – when you are living in your authenticity.

-Take time to commune in high vibrational spaces. You’ve lost a lot. You would not learn that your life is precious until we took it all. Now can you see? Can you see that there is no more time to cry? Can you see the magnitude of the gift you’ve been given? “Do (you) think (you) will say ‘we believe’ and not be tested”?

-Take back your power, now, from these last remnants of distorted belief. Let’s write it out one by one. *Trembly hands. Solution. Action. Box breathe and then take immediate action. If it feels really hard, sing a song. The song you wrote. *Massive resistance to action? Activate vagus nerve. Hands on chest. “I am safe. I am ok. I am loved.” Three breaths. *Overwhelming emotion. Feel it. Let it pass through. Move your body.

*Feeling of not belonging and non-acceptance? This is the hardest… I know, you don’t want to be alone anymore. I know, you want to belong somewhere and be a part of something. I know, being all lonely and talking about “I belong to myself” seems lame. You want humans. People to commune with and smile with and laugh with and feel good with. You want particular humans. Your family and people from your past. Listen… Grieve and accept. As if someone died. Some things won’t change. -And then what? Fly towards the sun. Find other humans who do accept you and who do think you are good and who do treat you well and who do allow you to be safe to be your authentic self. And let your family belong to you. Don’t hate them. Don’t judge them. Don’t repeat the offense. Love them. But Love yourself, too. Steward your life. I know this is hard, because how? You see no way forward. You see no people. You will have to reach out…. Pause. I have left my body. LOL. This feels very hard. I guess this it. The real splinter and thorn. The paralyzer. And it ties in with my most recent man interest… I kid you not. My lower back is throbbing and my leg is tingling as I write this. I can’t breathe. And so I will do the box breath… One moment… The box breathing works… One by one, let people know where you stand. You will do it through your energy, not your words. They will not understand, but you do. It’s time to be a goddess, Love. We have always been leading you here. Radiate Love to the ones you Love. Maybe one day they will Love and accept you. Maybe they will never. That is not your business. Keep yourself safe by checking in with yourself. “Am I safe here?” If no, go where you are safe. And find the arms that can hold you. Find the smiles you can share. Children Love you. You can always share with them. Also, grown ups. You are ready now. But this will take work. This will take intention. This will take action. This will take follow-through. This will take box breathing and self awareness. You have done sooo much work and I am proud of you. This last little part? It’s the butterfly part. Tadaaa! You just gotta be yourself no matter what environment you are in. Read the room. But no matter what room you are in, keep your energy. My sweet supernova. No more twinkle twinkle little star.

Go take your bath now. Then check your messages from this man. Let him block you if he must. Let him see you if he must. Stand in your power. You don’t really want his baby, because he’s mean, but you do want to Love him. Complete that chapter. Complete your work today. Find something supercalifragilisticexpialidocious to do for New Year. Just reach out to the people who inspire you and close doors. All the things that have been on your mind to do? Just keep doing them. You’ll mess up sometimes. Get back up. Get back clear. You can do this. This is your one precious life, my baby.

You are precious, OK? And do you know how wonderful you are? Do you know you are one of those people you used to look up to when you were a kid? You are her now. You are that woman who has found joy. You are that strong light that gets back up when things are hard. You are her now. You are that woman who is also soft and doesn’t need to do it all by herself. You can accept support and companionship. You are that woman who knows how to Love and how to protect and how to Create. You are her now. Accept it. Without guilt. With gratitude and humility. As your friend said, “Don’t let them diminish you.” You are that woman who can box breathe when you feel paralyzed and finally work through your emotions. You are led by purpose and that matters most. Beautiful steward. Steward your life now.

I Love you. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you… Ameen.

Day 604

The Steward