Day 603 – Love

Guys. I’ve got a lot of emotions these days. I’m just gonna write a quick one and get on with things. Do you know you are Loved? I’m writing this to myself, but writing it to you as well.

Someone sent me a message the other day. “I want to see you happy and in peace”… “I Love everything around you that gives you peace of mind.” Such simple words, but I feel that the person meant it. This is not someone that is a deep part of my life. It’s someone I know from a distance. But its someone who has always wanted to be closer to me… Who it is is not the point.

The point is, it opened something in me. Such a magical day today… As I type this, someone else is literally calling me. I won’t answer. It’s a different vibe. A taker’s vibe. There is a difference. We give and we take and it is good to know when we are being given to and taken from so we can keep balance. Sometimes, what seems like giving is taking and vice versa…

I just was thinking about love. And how I ate a banana today. How nourishing it was. That is love. And I was thinking about the warm floor with the mats at the spa I go to… That is Love… And as I write this blog, literally, someone is messaging me telling me they are praying for me. That is Love. And I am sitting at a desk with my shoes off with internet in a room with others at 11:27pm. Doing things that move me in a direction I want to go. That is love for myself.

The love didn’t come in the ways I was looking for it. It doesn’t always come that way. But it has always been here. Everything is here in this world. Everything is always here. We can’t always see that there is love when we are in a war, and we can’t always see that there is war when we experience love, but they are always here…

I ate some brownies today and the best breakfast sandwich… Can you tell I love food? Food is love. It is the nourishment that makes our bodies function. And it comes from the Earth. And it’s always there…

And so? God kept me alive. I could make it mean many things, but I won’t. I will only say that I’m still here and at a time when I thought I was dying, there were things that I was sobbing about because I wanted to do them while I was alive… and I’m still alive. And I know what is important to me.

And all along, even in my worst days, I’ve had help. I have had blatant, magical miracles, if I’m being honest. Random opportunities for money that manifest from a conversation with a stranger at a coffee shop. Invitations to be in rooms that people spend years petitioning to get into. Mentorship from giants for free. Paid care… I have been loved. And in this moment, I feel an obligation to honor the love I have been given. There are people who have bet on me… There are people who have watered this plant called me in the hopes that I would grow and bear good fruit. They saw something good in me.

You know, when life gets hard, and when we’re getting hurt from left and right, sometimes we forget that there is something good in us… But tonight, I remember…

What happens is, we are not always loved by the people we love in the ways we want. You know? I have loved people with all my heart only to find out that they had a plan to use me all along and never thought about my feelings. And to be fair, there are people who have loved me with all their heart, and I never even noticed and dismissed them without regard. And I have had the best intention for others, and thought that I showed it with all my action, only to be accused of ill will, malintent or whatever negative fill-in-the-blank at some point. And I have been there for others in their hardest of times, only for them to be the very ones to throw me into my suffering.

And these things hurt. They hurt so bad. They can break you. I’m sorry. For some of us, they break us and we don’t return and that is a life. But they can also break you open and mature you and make you see the fullness of life and the fullness of yourself.

It is not all pretty. There are dark things out there and there are dark things within ourselves. I can’t tell you what to do or not do with them, but I can tell you that it helps to stop pretending that they don’t exist. It’s a starting point.

But there is also Love. Lean towards the sun and you will find it. Give it to yourself and you will know that it is real.

Bless you.

Sincerely,

Me.