Day 601 – About Awakening (Spirit Says)

Hello. It’s been a while. I hope you are well. I am at a crossroads again and have come here to process. This time, it is not a loop. It is a breakthrough.

But I have lost everything, even my old identity. I don’t want most of it back, but some things I do want back, like feeling safe with others. I don’t know if I WAS actually ever really safe with others, but I liked feeling like I was.

You know what they don’t tell you about awakening? When your eyes are open, you see all the ugly things. You see things as they were. And as they are. And if you’ve spent a lot of time thinking things were beautiful and good and then you wake up and realize you’ve been in parasite infested mud the whole time???? Well, it’s hard. And quite confusing.

And then you also might realize that most of the mud dwelling was your choice. Maybe not on purpose. Maybe you didn’t know. I will give you grace. But mostly, you did know. Something in you knew for a long time that something wasn’t right about so much. And you ignored it. Maybe because you wanted to fit in. Maybe because mud dwellers around you convinced you that you weren’t bleeding when you were. Maybe because you had no idea how to live any other way.

But then one day you prayed. Or you begged. Or you focused really hard. And you sent a message out somewhere that you wanted to be free. You wanted to feel safe. You wanted to be expressed. You wanted to feel Loved. You wanted to be happy. And slowly, your whole world upended itself.

And it is not as romantic as it sounds in this writing. You lose your closest friends that you’d spent your whole life with and now there’s no one to call every day and share the details of your day with. Your family calls you the most heinous, ratchet things and leaves you on the street to die. Some guy or girl you love betrays you or tries to bully or abuse you, never even thinking of offering you love, whilst you had been giving them your whole heart. An asshole that you let into your inner circle steals your whole year’s worth of savings. You lose things. Jobs. Home. Car. Health… This is what upending looks like.

Every reason that you used to do every thing will be no more. You will not care about the things you used to care about, and the relationships that you had built will be based upon values that you no longer share… Just because you have changed doesn’t mean they have, and for some time, you will try to rebuild the things you lost with the people who made you lose them. But that will not work unless they, too, are committed to their answered prayers. And mostly, they are not. Mostly, we are not. Because it requires work. And death. And loss of control. And transformation. And transmutation… We will have to be the student, not the teacher anymore. We will have to say, “Yes. I did not listen. I had enough information to make a better choice. I did not love myself. I do not love myself all the way, still.” We will have to say, “Yes. I failed.”

I would like to say that now. Yes. I failed.

It’s freeing. I had a master plan for this time of my life. This season. The season that just passed. And it didn’t work. I failed. I can blame others, and you bet you I will, but mostly, I will own up and say I should have known better by now.

I had a plan, but I partnered with someone who had sabotaged my breakthrough before. Whether intentional or not, only they will ever know. But it happened again. And I, like a fool, put my future in the hands of someone who had never shown me that I could trust them with it. But I wanted to trust them. I wanted to have a certain kind of relationship, you see. I wanted to say, “Yes. This person will be there for me.” And so I left my future vulnerable. And they sabotaged it. Stole my money that I had been saving for a year. Derailed everything I had planned. I couldn’t plan anymore. I was in the middle of nowhere with no idea when I would get more money or how or where I would live. The asshole blamed me for it. And some of the people close to me offered no compassion. Some rejoiced at the prospect of me having no where to go. It meant I would come and be with them… Most of my inner circle didn’t ask what my original plan was.

At first I was heartbroken, and then I became numb. I still needed to eat, sleep and pee and so I descended back into the world of struggle survive, and there I’ve lived for the past few months, alternating between struggle survive and ascend, and becoming conscious of the shitty shit shit relationships I’ve had all along.

“How could they?” is the question that I ask myself when someone from my past transgresses beyond bounds. And the answer is, “they always have.”

And then the real question comes. “How could I?” And this is the part that is hard. Because I have to accept that no one has ever put a gun to my head in my life to make me make a single choice. How could I waste so much time doing so much stupid stuff? I want to beat myself up and start blaming me now, for everything, but that won’t help. But what will help is taking accountability, taking responsibility for my life, and calling my power back.

The truth is, my Spirit told me not to put my future in said person’s hands. I couldn’t think of a good reason. At the time, it had completely left my mind that said person had sabotaged my future before. So, I overrode my Spirit’s voice and did what my mind said. I put my future in their hands.

And if I’m being honest, everything else that I’ve lost since? It’s because I didn’t listen. Spirit told me not to do this, that, or the other, but mind thought it was no big deal. Spirit told me not to park on a particular street. Mind said it was no big deal. When I came out to check on my car, the window had been broken into and my luggage set and everything in it was stolen…

Blah and blah and more and more and here we are now. At a crossroads. I’ve been at a place for almost a month. An amazing safe haven that has allowed me to take the steps that were in my original plan. I didn’t take all the steps, but I’ll give myself an 85% passing grade. I made “powerful decisions for my long term good rather than immediate convenience”, like my coach had advised me several years prior, and I am beginning to see the results of those decisions.

I will have to leave this safe haven soon, and I was feeling afraid, because the only things I know are the things from the past, and some of them sound pretty good, but Spirit is adamant in its “NO” when I consider making those decisions. And I’m not gonna lie. It is hard to listen. Because my mind thinks some of the choices are good ones…

That’s why I came here to write today. Because I need to take immediate action. And I wasn’t sure if I was gonna listen to Spirit because it’s telling me to do EVERYTHING that is terrifying to me and comes with no guarantee. And my mind says, “Why don’t we just do the thing we know?”

But deep down, I know it’s not the answer. October is always the month when my transformation portal opens. I believe I started this transformation many years ago, in October, when I first went overseas to do the heal the world project, but the real metamorphosis started three years ago. In October again.

When I came back to LA. And was given opportunity after opportunity to heal. You see, the body, soul and energetic field will heal itself if you put it in the right conditions, but often times, we don’t even know that we’re broken, and even if our conditions aren’t that great, they seem to be good enough, so we don’t try very hard to heal or change anything until things get really bad.

My lovely body blessed me by breaking down and becoming sick. And in my sickness, I was able to see what life was like when I was in need. How people would treat me. Who would bring me water. Who would check on me. Who would pretend that nothing was wrong and seek no answers. Who would try to exploit the situation. Who would help me. And who would tell me to check back in when I was better… Who would be jealous of the care I got.

It is easy to write about now, but it was devastating to live through. My sickness forced me to find the conditions that make me thrive… Something in me had already knew, but I had refused to accept that it was that important.

Side note. Yesterday, I was able to offer counsel to a young man and he reminded me of something so important. Everyone is different. For some people, survival is enough. A house, a family, a job that pays well enough? That fills them up. And that’s ok. For others, they want to talk about things like soul fulfillment and being one’s authentic self and all this deep stuff, and they feel depressed and lost when life is out of integrity… I’m one of those others.

But I never honored it up until recently. Survival was never enough…

I guess I’ll get off the blog now. I have processed my process. I know what to do. I will listen to my Spirit. It feels scary, but I will try and reframe it in my body. When I have fully trusted my Spirit before, it has worked out. And literally, as I am writing, I got a new idea! A safety net for my new plan… If I keep doing the same things with the same people in the same environments, I can expect for life to be the same.

Here is an opportunity to possibly create and participate in the conditions that will help me thrive… And we move!

Spirit says…

– One more thing, Spirit says. Don’t give away your gains. It’s a message for you and a message for me. Given to me by a friend some time ago. I know you have been groomed to feel guilty about having more than zero for one reason or another. Whoever taught you that had good intentions. They wanted everyone to win and they thought you could help everyone… But that thinking is distorted. It does not mean that as long as you are not sick and fighting for your life, then you have to give any and every bit of your above zero energy to anyone who wants it. Keep your energy. Keep your gains so that you can get where you are going. You will be able to help and bless so many more people from a place of 100%, rather than a place of 1%. Let them call you names. You know who you are and what you came to do. You are a good person. A Blessed, Blessed person, like your grandmother said. Protect your Blessings and cultivate them now.

Time to go. Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here with me. I Love you. I Love you. I Love you.

Ameen.

Day 601

About Awakening (Spirit Says)