Day 600 – The Final Chapter – Gifted and Talented

Y’all. I’m writing this in the library. Of my hometown. With my eyes closed. I had already written a blog just now. About what is. I deleted it because I was cussing people out.

Now I’m writing another blog. I will write about what is. And then I will write about what shall be. And then I will get to it.

What is so. I am in a library. I have to move soon. Because God said so. To a permanent place. To one place. In this town. Where I can unpack. And decorate. And paint walls. I haven’t unpacked in over a year. And now I have to.

I have been unpacking my inner life bit by bit. Thrown things away. Repositioned things. Found roaches, rats, termites, bedbugs, even vampires lurking in my cells. Got rid of them. Still getting rid of them. And also saw what’s underneath them. Me. The Golden sweetheart. I don’t think I realized how awesome I am until this time in my life. I hadn’t even known that I had had low self esteem…

What is so? Now that I have unpacked so many inside things, there is space to see what is so. I am here. In a library. By myself. I’ve been sitting here for a couple hours because I’ve been feeling afraid. I have to move. Soon. But I don’t know where I will go. I will go somewhere that I don’t know yet. And even as I type the words, I want to stop writing, because it scares me.

You see, prior to last year, I had lived in one place for thirteen years. I had thought that I would keep that place forever and only move out once I bought a house. And even keep that place after that. But it didn’t happen like that. I moved out. Because, you know, God told me to. And I didn’t have a place to move to. But God led me places and I landed somewhere. And I lived somewhere. Somewheres. And things were good, bad and in-between. Phenomenal, actually. Life changing. My life was changed. Or more accurately, I was changed. Forever.

I started loving myself. I started Loving others in different ways. I started healing myself and others. I started seeing myself and others in different ways. I started being myself. I honestly don’t recognize myself these days and sometimes feel very, very sad when I think about so many things that have happened to me and to others that I know.

Many relationships fell apart. I put gasoline on the burning bridges and made sure to wash out the ashes so no remnants remained. They were built on shit. Or rather, they were built on unspoken agreements that no longer represented who I had become. I ended up very much removed from most of my past life, which is where I am today…

But you see, I have never been here before. I know this is the place. This is the place in every hero’s journey. The place where one detaches from everything and steps into the new thing. Everyone doesn’t do it, but many have as they pursue a life of authenticity and purpose. And Truth.

For about a month now, since The End of Fantasies, I have been seeing things as they are and grieving, grieving, grieving. Weeding. Tilling soil unintentionally. And on this auspicious day, there is nothing else for me to do except move forward or move backwards. I have been wanting to stand still because I am afraid of forward or backwards, but Spirit won’t let me. It will give me bedbug bites or make me sick if I don’t listen.

It feels scary…

So I am here at his library, delaying the inevitable. I’m only about 20 years later than the books say in my individuation from family. I am Mirabel from the Encanto family. Living in a child’s world long into my adult years, not willing to embrace my gifts.

Because my gifts are strange, you know? And I never wanted to be strange. Can I tell you a story? When I was little, about 7 years old, my school put me in a “Gifted and Talented” program. Once a week, they would bus me out to this school with other Gifted kids and we would have a school day of working on complex puzzles, Venn diagrams, etc. I didn’t like being gifted and talented. I wanted to be normal and fit in.

When I got to middle and high school, I asked my mom to put me in normal classes. And she did. But in my junior year of high school, I realized that one wouldn’t get considered for certain college and scholarship opportunities unless they were in gifted and talented or “Honor” classes. So I asked to be switched back to those classes, and I was, but it was too late. Even if I had made all A’s in my classes by then, I would have not been able to compete for opportunities with my peers who had been taking GT classes since 9th grade. I went to college, but it was a normal people college. In fact, it was a college for people who barely made it into college. It was me wanting to be with the normal folks again. And it was my last choice because I couldn’t afford to pay for the college of my choice. I had gotten into the college of my choice, but my school counselor hadn’t sent in whatever documentation I needed on time, and so by the time I followed up and realized I had gotten accepted, it was too late for me to get a scholarship…

I loved my normal people college. And after college, I got a job. I thought it was a good job. A teacher. It was a big deal for the community I came from. I was a bonafide, certified teacher. Even more, I was voted “Rookie Teacher of the Year”. I had my own place, I was fine as wine, I ate what I wanted, I had money in my savings and never even thought about how much rent cost, and I got a marriage proposal at least four times a year… I had close friends that I spent life with. I loved them very much and I believe they loved me, too. And I was close with my family and siblings. Well, at least I thought I was. I loved them all very much and tried to do things to help them and help my mom.

And then, somewhere, somehow, things changed. Over time. Bit by bit. I won’t get into all the details, but things happened. I guess that’s how things happen. Things happen… Things started to fall apart. First, with my mom. They had been cracking over the years, mostly because I always liked boys and she always didn’t like me liking boys. But boys weren’t boys anymore. They were men. And I wasn’t a girl anymore. I was a woman. But I didn’t realize it. My mom didn’t, either. Then me and my mom had a very life shattering incident. As I write about it now, I don’t know how it happened. Or why it happened. But it shook me. At the time, I didn’t realize it shook me, but now, as I am writing, I realize that it broke our trust for each other…

I went to grad school shortly afterwards. This time, I was in a gifted and talented grad school… The rest is history for another day…

It is two weeks later as I write this blog entry. I had stopped writing two weeks ago. And today, I felt compelled to write my blog and went back and read my past two blog entries and this draft. I liked the beginning of the draft and it’s still relevant, so I kept it. I’ll go from there.

My mom. Sometime after my mom and I’s life shattering event, everything changed. I am only realizing it now. Today… I became sad and sad and sadder. I’m not blaming my mom. There is a time limit on blaming parents, and I have passed mine. But it is good to know the who, what, where and why’s of life. It is only in this moment that I realize that incident wedged the thorn that became the wound that festered between me and my mom for so many years. And that thorn was just representative of the smaller issues that were already there…

And it is over now. It is time for it to be over. That is what I came here to write today… It is over. So much is over… in a good way. I realized something. These things are supposed to come to an end. This crying every day is supposed to be a season, not an entire life. These relationship and life loops that are continually unsatisfactory? They are not meant to be an entire life. I know, they are an entire life for so many of us, and they have been an entire life for me for so long that I almost forgot that it is supposed to end. I don’t like using the word supposed so much, but I’m using it for myself. It might apply to you. This is supposed to end.

The point of me starting this blog was so that, after I got to the other side of happy, I could remember how I felt during my sad days and maybe write a book about it or give a testimony or whatever. My book Oneness advises “joyous anticipation of the natural result of ones efforts”, but I forgot about that part.

The natural result of processing my emotions via blog and so many modalities is that my emotions should be processed at some point. The natural result of me taking over ten years and finally seeing the thorn between me and my mother is that I pull the thorn out now and stop festering and internally bleeding. The natural result of all this healing work is that I heal at some point. And after healing, the natural result is that I get on with it and do the things I’ve been wanting to do for an entire life.

So… I’m gonna post this no matter where it ends up. I’m still at the same place I was last two weeks. Except slightly different. I got some really good news, which I can’t share yet, but I need to make a choice on the timing of said news…

I used to be a big picture dreamer, but I’ve been in this beat down vibe for a few months now, and it’s challenging to access my big picture brain. This is what I mean: I’d be the kind of person who has two digits in my bank account and no job and I’d say something like “I want to live in a house on a hill by the sea” and then work on that until it happens. That literally happened to me recently. But now, it is challenging for me to think like that and I am thinking on the lines of, “I have two digits in my account. What can I do with that?” That’s survival thinking. I get it now. It is hard to imagine a house by the sea if one does not have what it takes to get a house by the sea in hand. The catch 22, though, is that you will never have a house by the sea if you don’t think about a house by the sea and plan a way to get it. And some people wait till they have the things to make the plans. No judgement. It works for them. But not me.

For me, though, if I make my plans based on what I have in hand, then I will forget exactly what I wanted and just be stuck thinking of what I think I can get and what I think I can get based on what I have is very little. I have to plan from the idea of limitless. And this is what I came here to this blog for.

Gifted and Talented. I have to use my gifts now in order to move forward. And my gifts are not what I thought they were…

And God tells me to be quiet. So I will (finally) listen. But I will leave you with this. Your gift is your way out. Your gift is your way out.

Peace and countless Blessings.

Sincerely,

Me

Day 600

The Final Chapter – Gifted and Talented