Day 599 – The Cure For Fantasies

Guys. Something happened today. Well, several things happened. I have the cure for fantasies.

Y’all. A big change has happened in me. So huge. I am not myself anymore, but perhaps I am my Self for the first time in my adult life. I have stopped crying in the ways I used to cry.

Let me just tell you what happened. I took a trip. Overseas. About a month and a half ago, I had wanted to come to this particular place. A workshop being held by some people I like. Overseas. I imagined it would be exciting and had it on my radar. Then, I met this guy online. And you guessed it. He just happened to live in the same city as the workshop I had been considering. And this city is a very remote city in a very remote country. I took it as fate and confirmation that I should come to the workshop. I liked the guy and he professed to like me, so, the minute I got the money, I booked my ticket to this workshop so that I wouldn’t change my mind. I scheduled my time so that I’d have a bit of time to see and visit him before and after my workshop.

Me and the guy kept talking and I realized something: He was dating other people that he didn’t want me to know about. Heck, he’s probably living with other people. We’d be on a video call, and then I’d see him look up as if someone entered his room, and then he’d hang up the phone. Then he’d reappear in another room, talking real low. And then he’d look up and hang up the phone. Or sometimes, I’d see him playing with his phone and then the phone would get disconnected (because he turned off the internet to disconnect it). And I wouldn’t hear from him till the next day. This would always happen at night.

He would make up glorious stories about what happen. He’d never tell the story the same way twice. Sometimes he’d even say that he went to an office for an emergency in the middle of the night. Offices that are closed in the middle of the night. By the time my trip date was coming up, I realized that this guy was full of games. But I kind of liked him still. And my trip date was coming up at the beginning of my ovulation dates, so I was hoping that he’d get it together and we’d be together and I’d get pregnant this month like I wanted to… Me and the guy had begun to have problems because, you know, him lying and stuff and dating and/or sleeping with whomever whilst telling me he loves me and wants to be with me. Our communication had become shaky. He would pretend not to see my messages. Call when he felt like it and act like nothing happened. I started leaving evil voice notes for him and then deleting them, but I’m sure he listened to them and acted like he didn’t. And we hardly talked about anything.

He’d send random texts saying hello and not addressing stuff and I’d send rude texts back like, “what do you want?” I had been here before. In these nonsense relationship dynamics… and I finally had been in enough healthy relationships to know the difference. Sometimes I feel ashamed when I realize how much nonsense I wasted time on, and then I just have to forgive myself. My past self might have spent a good year entertaining a man who pretends not to see my text messages. Imagining and fantasizing about our life just because I had a bit of a connection with him.

So, anyway, even though me and dude were not on the best terms – we were on no terms – I still decided to get on my flight and come out here to this country. The flight was not exactly non-refundable, but the refund policy said that maybe it might be refundable and if it is, then maybe it will take months and I have to cancel my flight and put in some kind of application to see if it’s refundable first. I kind of still wanted to go the workshop, so I just took the flight and thought that maybe I’ll see dude and if not, I’ll spend the free time touring this country.

On the transferring flight, I was in another country and someone called me. A friend whom I’ve known for more than half my life. He has been trying to date me for a long, long time and I have been rejecting him for a long, long time and he called me yesterday to ask to date me again. I told him no again. He actually asked to marry me, not date me. And he tried to understand why I don’t want to be with him. And I tried to explain to him why. And he had an answer to everything. I said my Soul said no and he said my Soul’s guidance seemed so arbitrary. At some point, I realized that there was nothing I could say that he was gonna hear….

Then I boarded the flight to my final destination country. I was having issues getting online to finalize my lodging plans and just decided I’d do it when I reached my destination country. When I got here, I received a text message from another dude. This guy is someone whom I’ve been talking about having a baby with for about two years – the two years since I’ve been talking about having a baby. It’s been two years. It doesn’t take two years to meet a man or make a baby. But it has taken me two years because I’ve been wasting time in fantasy over fantasy. I forgive me. This particular guy had been telling me he wanted to start a family with me for over two years. We don’t live in the same country. And so, what he would do is make all these plans. He would even say that we could do IVF stuff and he’s coming around on such and such date and then never come… So, the day I arrived in this country, he messaged me. He is in my country, he says. He knew I’d be traveling on this day. He says that if I was there, we’d get pregnant right now. He tells me how much he loves me and how, for some reason, we just can’t seem to get together. I messaged him back and tell him I will come, and he says I should stay for my workshop and come afterwards. I tell him those are not my fertility dates. He asks when my fertility dates are and I tell him… And then he pretends not to see the message… And then I realize the reason we can’t seem to get together. Because he doesn’t want to. Because he pretends not to see the message or doesn’t come or doesn’t call every time there’s an opportunity.

And then I had the last communication that led to this blog. A friend. More recent friend whom I had met at this amazing program I was a part of recently. Me and friend were really close and then we fell out. We fell out because he was telling people my business and in ways that could have negatively impacted my employment. Someone told me what he had said. I fronted him. He lied. We fell out… He been lying about stuff since… Today he messaged me. And asked me if I’d be willing to talk. He said he wanted to repair our friendship. He said nice things about me. I could feel the sincerity in his message…

In the backdrop, I’m just getting over grieving over someone who stole from me and detoured all of my plans for this season of my life. Someone I loved and trusted. She will say it was a mistake, but this kind of mistake wouldn’t happen with everyone… She will say it wasn’t stealing, it was borrowing, and she planned to pay me back, but it wasn’t borrowing. It was stealing, because she didn’t ask or inform me, whatever her future plans were… She took money that was mine and spent it. And when I asked for it, it wasn’t there. And so I suffered. She used the money to get her a new place and live in luxury with choices on what delicious food to eat every day. My lack of money caused me to have no place and not be able to eat the foods I wanted. I was mad. I was hurt. I was heartbroken and have been grieving over the situation and finding ways to restructure my life without the money I thought I’d have for the past month and half..

And today, I was sitting at the airport, thinking about whether I’m gonna see my dud in this country, thinking about alleged baby daddy who is always saying we are going to do the thing but never does, thinking about my friend who wants to marry me and won’t hear my no… thinking about my money thief and wondering why she did and what will become of our relating… Thinking about my friend who finally did the right thing and approached with accountability, grace, honesty and a giving hand..

And something dawned on me. It is the end of fantasies. I see things as they are. All of these relationships were built on fantasies. I had been participating in them, hoping things would be this way, that way or the other. My friend who wants to marry me had also been perpetuating his own fantasy. He helped me see the ways I perpetuate my own.

It is a weird thing, and sometimes a very, very hard thing to see things the way they are after having been delusional for quite some time. I can’t believe it took me so long to see things as they are. I can’t believe I’d been played over and over again by guys who had been selling me dreams. I can’t believe I trusted my come-up with someone who had sabotaged my come-up before. I can’t believe I’d been holding all these guys hostage. All these guys in love with me calling me their friends. They’re in love with me and I need to set them free. They will not go on their own… I had been making all these choices based on fantasy. Again and again and again. Wanting things to be a way that they are not. Trying to make things be a way that they are not.

And me? Here I am on the other side of the world chasing men who ain’t never showed they love or respect me in the least. I wish I could say it’s my first time doing this, but it’s not. I don’t care about the workshop here. And the country looks peaceful, but honestly, I don’t care about touring this country at this moment in time and I’d rather spend my money and time doing things aligned with what’s important to me. I don’t like the men here, and I’d rather be in a place during my ovulation dates where it’s at least possible for me to meet the kind of men I like.

I will go home now. Get my life together. Finally. Because I can. I don’t think I’m mad at anyone. My feelings are hurt because I wish I was more Loved by the people I wanted to love me. But Love is such and abstract word. Forget about the love. I wish I was treated better. With respect and consideration and care.

Today, I realize that sometimes I will get it from the people I want to get it from, and sometimes I won’t. And sometimes people will complain about me, too. I could talk about them, cuss them out, complain, advocate, and sometimes those things are necessary. But what is also necessary is for me to see things as they are and then find ways to focus on the kind of life and relationships I want… I deserve to be loved and treated well… I want to find a witty outro to this entry, but I don’t have one.

I just wanted to share with you that this is it. It’s over. The end of fantasies. All the things I had been caught up in are unraveling. And what remains is me. With stories to tell. With Love to share. With faith and agency. And friends. And family. And relationships that continue to shift and end and start as we all make new choices for our lives.

What I know is that life is getting better. I am a golden sweetheart and I deserve to be taken care of. I start by doing it for myself… Have a Blessed day, reader.

Mwa.

Day 599

The Cure For Fantasies